32
As my summer starts to fade into fall, I realize more and more each day that it's time for me to switch gears and start letting go of things. Not just work, as many of you know that I'm ready to peace the hell out of my job in less than 3 weeks. But there are some things eating at my brain that have been affecting me in deeper ways that I cared to realize.
I recently started feeling certain things that I haven't felt for three years, more specifically, since I got married: you know who your friends are, and you know who really gives a shit about you when things start to hit the fan. And BTW, someone said, "It's just hormones, don't take this stuff too seriously." Get the hell out of here. Hormones are one thing. Bitchassness is another.
I think it's been interesting to watch the ebb and flow of people both at work and in my personal life, so see what comes in and more specifically when it does.
I guess there's a question too I've been asking myself, and that is, how the hell do I contribute to the funk that I've been experiencing with people? It makes me want to lock myself away from certain individuals, yet I'm drawn to others in ways that make me want to keep it all separated. I wish I could go into more detail, but I'll keep those to myself.
Maybe it's just me, but it's harder to repair damage than to keep putting it on thick. I'd rather hear the truth than be led on to believe other things, and what sucks is that I ALREADY KNOW THE TRUTH and I'm just watching certain people lay it on. God I feel bad.
****
So on a happier note, I was reading Wolf's post the other day, and I was feeling where he was coming from. I know I can relate to watching babies in another way, watching how parents interact, what stroller they bought. It's interesting, but I also do that to the new 1st years at my job: how the parents interact, what the first years do, how we all interact with them. But when it comes to being a new mother, it comes down to feelings of "okaaaay. that's going to be me soon enough."
Parents now tell me to enjoy this time because there's no time like the present. Soon enough there are changes ahead that are going to impact not only me, but others around me. The soccer player in my tummy makes me laugh, but has deprived me of the best of the best EVAR: thin mint ice cream. Rude. JK. I'm excited about it, but as always I have a very guarded excitedness about all of my projects, so this isn't any different. Maybe it's my guardedness that is offputting? I don't know. Bitchassness.
Let me tell you guys a story. I probably have mentioned this before in this blog (Side Note: did you know I've been blogging for at least 8 years now?). Anyways, it's really personal, but I'll tell you anyways. I never saw myself with kids. No lie. I was one of those women who could see themselves single forever, doing lunch, hanging out with other old biddies, shopping and having tea. No kids. Travelling. Seriously. I wanted nothing but handling my business, come what may. This is how I went through life, even with boyfriends through high school and college and even through grad school, this was how I was vibing my life. I'd be with some guy, he'd be talking marriage, I'd be nodding, thinking to myself, I wonder how he's going to take me heading off to Paris for months at a go. Hope he doesn't mind being second place. What a Leo.
All of this changed during one day when I was working on some homework at my apartment. I was 32, bent on single up until this point. I had a boyfriend at the time, a long distance deal that didn't keep me tied down. I was home alone, the day was nice, and on a Saturday working on my papers it hit me.
What is all of this for if I can't pass this down to someone else?
It was a simple, innocuous question. I thought about it for a few minutes, and the next thing you know, I'm bawling my eyes out because I couldn't find the answer anywhere save for one place: kids. It was literally like a light in a dark room: life now had more meaning, and it all made sense. Who literally gives a ickypoo about a dissertation and an education, goals and material things if it's not meant to be passed down to someone. I could easily give all my riches to my parrot, the Green Rock, but you know.
It turned out that bf at the time had a feeling that something changed, and I really couldn't tell a brother because how the hell do you tell someone that you felt The Call without making homeboy feel like you are talking about his donation in the matter? I wasn't about to tell him; it was too important to me to just share with anyone. I don't think I really told anyone about that revelation for a very long time. I just told him that I realized something. He thought I was cheating on him I was so giddy, and you know, now that I think about it, we broke up not too far afterwards, and well, that's life for you. Maybe he couldn't handle it. Oh well on that.
So since that day, this is the seed that's been growing: to be able to share this with someone(s) else. And 32 weeks into this journey (after 70 something weeks of trying and oh lord I mean trying) it's all coming together for me. And despite the earlier funktitude of people trying to step on my game, I won't let it break me down. I've waited too long for trifling people to get in my way.
Ready or not, here she comes.
Voodoo
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