Sunday, October 28, 2007
Here I go...
I haven't done this blogging thing in a while, and never thought I would be doing it again. So here I go...I finally feel accomplished. This weekend has sealed the deal for graduation. There was a big gray cloud over me for the past two months, and I guess you could say it was obvious. I didn't know how obvious it was until my instructor told me that I seemed like a totally different person. You get three chances to take the exam. I had already failed the first time. Before the first exam, I felt ready and was pretty confident. I thought I had prepared enough and was going to pass with flying colors. After submitting the last question, I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes to see my score. I literally barely failed. It was that bad. I was devastated. I didn't know what I was going to do and thought it was all over. I called my boyfriend, he said that he was still proud of me. He knew how hard I had worked, and even when I didn't pass, he was supportive. I called my mom and gave her the bad news too. She was also supportive. I guess I expected them to be a little disappointed because I'm supposed to be the "smart" one in the family and it should've been expected that I pass. Though, my mom didn't really know the struggles that I went through in nursing school. Whenever we talked about school, I always told her that everything was ok and that I was doing well even though there were some semesters where I wondered why I even chose nursing in the first place. And even through these struggles, I always seemed to pull through. So when I cried to my boyfriend again a week later because I continued to feel frustrated, lost, and helpless, he gave me the strength and the push I needed. "Two more months," he said. That's all I had left of school. "You can pull through it, you've done it before. Just focus." I kept this in the back of my head, and each day I focused, I kept up with school work and clinical hours, and I studied. My life was pretty much at a standstill so that I could take care of what I needed to do. My days were routine. Depending on the day of the week, I got what I needed to get done in the morning, and spent the rest of the day doing case studies and practicing questions.
A few days before the exam, I became a little anxious. My score on the first exam was so low that I didn't know how I was going to pull it off this time. My instructor (who is the best ever!) told me to improve my score even if I don't pass. But in my head I thought, I am going to improve my score so that I pass. As supportive as she is, I wanted to take it to the next level and challenge myself. I knew it would be tough. I kept telling myself, "You are going to pass." I said this over and over again until my nerves where calm.
At the exam, I took my time. As instructed by my instructor, on the top of my scratch paper, I wrote, "Do not change your answer!" and "Think like a nurse!" I didn't need to look at this everytime I answered a question, but after writing it down I kept it in the back of my head. When I got to the last question I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and was ready to look at my score. I passed! What a relief! A weight lifted off of my shoulders! Graduation! Accomplishment! My boyfriend was proud of me. He said that he knew I could do it and believed in me. My mom couldn't have been happier. She even advised me before this exam not to study so hard the second time around because she knew I studied too hard for the first one. She said that she prayed and prayed for me and my friends to pass. She knew I could do it too. My instructor was in shock just because I had such a low score for the first exam. She said that she has never seen anyone jump back in the second test, and that they'd usually have to take it a third time. She was so proud of my improvement.
This exam is literally make it or break it in nursing school. But as my boyfriend said, "They wouldn't give you 3 chances if they didn't want you to pass." We are given more than one chance. And if we can't prove ourselves the first time, then we can do it the second time, or even the third time if we have to. Take advantage of the chances you are given. You get lots of chances in life, and can improve yourself each time. But it's all up to you to do better the next time. Focus and surround yourself with people who support you. Without the support that I had, I would've crashed. I wouldn't have had the determination and drive that I needed. This was different from anything else that I had to overcome. I have crossed one BIG thing off of my to-do list. Now, I can move on and focus on the other things on my list. So here I go...
I actually signed up to receive daily affirmations through e-mail to help me get through this time, and this was one quote that helped me focus.
Set your sights high, the higher the better. Expect the most wonderful things to happen, not in the future but right now. Realize that nothing is too good. Allow absolutely nothing to hamper you or hold you up in any way.
-Eileen Caddy
mowatch at 11:50 PM
Monday, July 16, 2007
to be honest with you...
I just shot off an email to one of my long-time best friends. I wish I could kiss it and wish it luck before she opens it...I just wanted to tell her that I missed her. She could be sitting right next to me and I'll miss her. Why? Because something is missing. I could very well be off my rocker and at this moment she's reading and thinking I'm a huge-ass fool. I wrote that I don't mind being wrong, so long as I let her know that I love her and that if I didn't know who she is as an individual and as my best friend, then I'd be rather disappointed with myself.She's been acting weird sometimes. We could be hanging out with our friends and she'll have this "whatever" kind of look and attitude. Yea, those of us who know her are used to her nonchalant - oh well - what can you do - get over it persona. That's what we love about G. It's just different as of late. There are highs and there are lows...I can't tell where she's at anymore...I always feel the need to figure out how I'm gonna be around her based on her current mood. Really though, my question is - if you and your best friend/s are as in tune as you believe you are, do you feel absolute freedom to be completely honest with that BFF of yours and still have him/her love you and understand where you are coming from? I would love to be able to say a confident YES! I know I can be completely honest, because I expect that of my close friends and family. BUT, it's HARD! It's that thing where I need to tell you something, but you're gonna be pissed off at me for it. Or, I'm telling you this to be honest with you, but you'll think that I'm just attacking you. So in my email, I told her what had been weighing in on my heart and mind - Are you happy? Will you let me in? Can I be there for you? If you're cool, let me know and I'll back off...I'd rather check-in with you than not at all.
Honesty is interesting..."truth hurts". I understand there are some "truths" out there that, depending on the people involved and the situation, are beneficial and some not. Yea, I got into a huge argument with my boyfriend last year because I was super honest with him about him - ooooh, child. He hated me for that! After screaming at each other and almost getting into a car accident (yup), he said, "I'm sorry, I know I do that and I need to work on it...can you help me?" If I hadn't said anything, how would he have known? At first I thought I was crazy...I was nervous and anxious. It felt like I could be jeopardizing my relationship with this person I love if I said what I wanted to tell him. I took a breath and talked to him. WOW - if ever there was a blow-up between us, THIS takes the cookie. I had never been in that situation before...it was indescribably BAD. Even so, I'm glad I was honest with him. Because of what went down between he and I, our communication improved THAT MUCH more. Guess it had to get REALLY BAD before it got REALLY GOOD.
A few years ago, I shared something extremely personal with my best friend, K, who lives in SoCal. My decision regarding the situation broke her heart...I knew she would be disappointed, but I told her anyway. She did what I believed in my heart she would do...she told me she loved me no matter what. A few days later, she emailed me a long piece telling me what was in her heart...her honest opinons and feelings. Really, I had no idea it would hurt like hell to read that. I felt I had let her down, but I had so much faith in our friendship that whatever was to happen between us thereafter, we were in God's hands. I did what I could - I let go and let God. Thing is, we both knew that from this painful hurdle in my life and in our friendship, we discovered how intricately our lives were intertwined. The fact that we could be so vulnerable and truthful with one another brought me to my knees. She loved me despite my broken-ness. I loved her knowing that she'd be disappointed and sad...yet, she didn't judge me, shun me, abandon me, leave me. She forgave me because I still hadn't forgiven myself. Now that's my BFF...
When I talk to God during the day, I try to remember all the people in my life I am thankful for...those that I am blest to have met and crossed paths with...basically everyone who's been in and out of my life. A great friend of mine from college taught me so much just by being around him. I valued his presence in my life as a fellow student and friend. He became our "big brother" at school. I had the utmost respect for him because of his appreciation for learning from others, especially those who were ignorant and mindless. Our last year of school, he became the first black student president of the student body. He was the one who taught me that I need to "check" myself before I can check anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I don't look to "fix" people...of course not, who am I to say anything. But, I want to learn more from others and help those I care about. What my friend taught me to do is to be self-aware and to help others do the same. What irritates me most about some people is what irritates me about myself - I don't like being a hypocrite. How can I tell someone to be more like this or more like that if I don't work on my own shortcomings? I defintely am not perfect (hell-nah). But, I am attempting to work with my imperfections and help pass along what I've learned from great people in my life.
Just another entry of ramblings from the "chun"...
tiyan at 4:34 PM
Monday, April 16, 2007
entries
Sometimes I flip through some of my journals and read past entries about where my mind was, what my life was like during those times...it's funny, because I get so caught up in the words and the emotions emitting from the page. There were a few entries I made during 2004 and 2005 that I love going back to now and then. They blow my mind because they were about a love I thought could never be again...because then it would just be too good to be true. During those years, entry after entry, I attempted to put down in words what I was feeling at those moments. I wrote about this one guy who took my breath away by just being himself. In one entry, I wrote a list of words that described him...there wasn't enough room on the page. In another entry, I wrote that if I were ever to look back on this, I would think that I was hella stupid for thinking, feeling, even writing all of this. One entry talked about laying with him and seeing his hand intertwined with mine...even though I knew it wouldn't last forever, I was grateful for that moment. He adored and treasured his family...they were #1 in his life...I wrote how I loved and respected that. He had a great love for meeting people and brightening up their days with a simple "hello, how are you", even if he didn't know them. I wrote how I loved his ambition for life and his passion for just wanting to do well so that he could give back to people. I wrote that everytime I looked into his eyes I saw who I really was...it was scary because I knew then what I had known all along. In another entry, I wrote how I could just spend forever looking at him and thanking God for this person; for everything he has taught me. Even if things didn't work out...I would still want for his happiness, that he achieves his dreams and reaches his goals; simply because he deserved to. Yup, I was sprung off of this guy...but he inspired me to be a better person. My respect for him grew with every moment I spent with him. He was such a great example of being a "man for others"...how could I not fall for that? Not to mention that my attraction to him was so incredibly strong...his face, his touch, his sincerity, his genuinity. I also wrote of how valuable his friendship was to me. He lifted me up when I was down and carried me when I couldn't walk it alone. He was the first person I wanted to share with at the end of the day and the first person I thought of the next morning. From reading those memories, I remember laughing for what seemed like forever...he did anything and everything to make me smile. At the end of a journal entry I wrote, "Thank you, Lord, for this person in my life". Because we had a past, all of these entries felt like a dream. I would think to myself...this dream isn't gonna last long...just be grateful for this time...I was living in those moments, yet preparing myself for the worst.People may think that I was sprung, that I was a typical girl who over-analyzed everything that happened...well frankly, I don't give a fuck. I was aware of what I was experiencing with this person...human emotion...appreciating every single part of this person...falling in love. For me, it was realizing each moment spent and basking in its wonder...God had given me a miracle. The miracle of bringing this person from long time ago, back into my life. From pre-teen to adult...I still look at him and think...you're my miracle...the one who gave me goosebumps...the one who kissed my tears away...the one who brought the very best out of me...
So this guy, that I wrote about in my journals...not only is he my boyfriend, he is my best friend and I want to thank him for being who he is. It's interesting for me to think about, but last week I told him that as difficult as it may be, I can live without him......I just don't want to.
Thank you, Lord, for this person in my life.
tiyan at 9:17 PM
Monday, April 09, 2007
allergies...and then some
Ah, Spring...the grass is greener, flowers are blooming, birds are singing, the sun is warm...it's rebirth and transformation. Yes! It's Spring...my nose is ready to get rubbed off, my eyes are itchy and baggy, there's wonderful pollen to inhale, teenagers are rampant and hormonal...it's the best, freakin' season of the year (yay...woo-hoo...). I knew this season was coming with students prepping for sacraments, retreats, and all of the other regular spring events at the church. I mean, I definitely knew this was coming, it does every year! Long hours at work, working on the weekends...I shouldn't be surprised. I had fun events planned for the teens, I facilitated sacrament retreats, I had lock-in planning meetings every week....anyway - kids everywhere! Don't get me wrong, I love kids, I love my teens, I love my job. And! - I know that I am not the only one who is tired, burnt out and busy. Is it pointless to ask people, "Have you ever felt so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted...that you felt like you've been in FAST FORWARD and REPEAT for a period of time...that you break down because you have no energy left to care or be your normal self...you feel like a robot or a walking zombie...take everything out on those closest to you...or feel like a failure..." because they know exactly what that question means already? We had our spring lock-in the last weekend of March. This was the most prepared we had ever been and I was so grateful to and proud of those who helped put this big weekend together. But, why was that weekend so different from all the other times? I seriously walked away from that lock-in feeling that I failed...I was miserable, disappointed, and upset. What happened...well, it started off great - losta fun. I never use the word mandatory because it scares teens and parents away. Anyway, I made it clear to everyone prior to the lock-in: "PLEASE commit to staying the entire weekend. This helps our participants as well as our facilitators. Thank you!" Well, it worked for the most part, but I did have a handful out of 38 who came at different times of the day. Once "free time" came in the afternoon, things started to change. My youth leaders started to get frustrated because no one was listening to them, not unless it was me; some girls were acting sassy and had major attitudes with me (oh, HELL no); a group of guys, whose reasons for being there were not the right reasons, didn't listen, participate, etc. (oh-my-dream-come-true). One of my teens has some major anger issues (background: he had to leave the last lock-in) and he wanted to last throughout the weekend this time...but he couldn't; he followed me around and I tried, I really did, to help him figure things out even though I didn't have the time. My facilitators were frustrated and emotional with everyone and I knew they were doing their best. I decided not to sleep because, even though there's curfew, some teens couldn't sleep and were breaking rules left and right - what's so f*ing hard about girls in one room and guys in the other...if you're a girl you shouldn't be telling me that you "just wanna talk with my friends" in the same room where the guys are SLEEPING at 5:00 in the freakin' morning! Get over yourself! I love you, girl, but it's not fair if you get to be the only girl who gets to talk to the guys in a room where they are supposed to be sleeping...I was so done at 5:30 AM - I walked out of the building. It was cold and dark, but I was alone...I let it out REAL GOOD. I told God I was sorry for not doing my best that weekend, for sucking at my work, that I couldn't do this...I called my best friend in socal and sobbed for a good half hour telling her I don't like teenagers and I didn't want to do this anymore and that I failed everyone on this retreat and that there's someone who's way better at this and that I was weak and I had nothing left to give, but I WILL finish the rest of the weekend ...really, it was pathetic. I had been burnt out from the whole month and I didn't want to do anything anymore...I know - you're probably reading this and thinking that I'm a dumbass...I know that already. And, yup! I am not even a parent yet, so why should I be complaining - this is what also makes me feel bad. After that, I collected myself, got ready for the day and finished the rest of the lock-in through until we cleaned up and I got in my car and went home. During the short drive home, I had this overwhelming feeling all over my body. I parked on the driveway, got in my boyfriend's car to go to lunch and once I closed the door and clicked the seat belt, I fell completely apart. It wasn't the quiet crying, it was the wailing type...it felt good to let go. And even though he had no idea what the weekend was like, even though I looked tore up with raccoon eyes and that I hadn't showered since the day before...he hugged me and said, "I am so proud of you and everything you do..." After the whole weekend, I finally exhaled.I am over it now...now, I look back and laugh at myself. That was the lock-in/retreat from hell, but I'm so thankful I went through it. That was just one month. As for the rest of the season, imma just suck it up. If life wasn't so hard, how else would I learn and become a better person for others..
tiyan at 12:20 PM
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
inspiration
So bad, I'm doing this at work...I had another team meeting on Sunday and I asked for their feedback..."i felt motivated and encouraged"..."i felt it was the most productive meeting we've had"..."it was very helpful and there was a better sense of what our roles are"...so that's awesome. Needless to say, I love working with the youth. Kicks my ass though...On Sunday I was mentally drained after two meetings. I went to mass with my boyfriend at 7:30, the mass that R usually sings at. Everytime we hear him sing, we get goosebumps. He's amazing! So of course I felt the spirit move through me...it reminds me of what I'm doing and to keep going - such an uplifting feeling that I would wish for anyone. R gave us a cd he made and now my boss and I are listening to it as I type. YAY for inspirational music!
tiyan at 9:36 AM
Friday, February 09, 2007
already february?
The meeting last month was interesting...THANKS to Voodoo and my boyfriend, I gained some new perspective, re-focused on what I was doing, and ultimately, was able to be REALLY honest with the team...I let them know how I was struggling and it felt pretty liberating. They talked more this time around...shared their thoughts and opinions. I paid attention to their body language, tone of voice, facial expressions...brought me back to "Interpersonal Comm"...we didn't have enough time for the second half of leadership development, but I think that's good. I hope they had enough to chew on before our next meeting this Sunday. They're great kids...they just need great direction - I'M TRYING...or am I? Overall, I won't say if it was good or bad, effective or ineffective...I can't decipher results after one day...just that it was interesting to see them take their roles seriously and really participate; to see their minds at work. It's an ongoing process...but it's a great challenge...Two weeks ago my brother and I went to go visit our new baby cousin, Mykel (my-kel). So tiny and beautiful. She's the newest addition to the cousin clan - #12. Really, she's the size of a football, heh. She wouldn't open her eyes when we cradled her, but I knew she was peeking. While I looked at her I thought, "If our family saw her, how could they all not melt inside?" If we saw her, how could our hearts not be softened towards one another? I guess I'm hoping for some miracle...that with the blessing of another beautiful joy, that our family could come back together...I think I better keep dreaming...actually, not dreaming...hoping.
2007, huh...family...work...purpose...hope...discipline...faith...I've got work to do this year. Peace.
tiyan at 10:05 AM
Friday, January 26, 2007
I know I know....
I keep telling myself to stop comparing myself with others. That everyone has different timing when it comes to life's milestone events, but I can't help but feel so.....left behind by the bus of life. It's like I'm waving my dollar (is that how much a ride on Samtrans cost these days?), but the doors close on my face and all I get is exhaust fumes filling my nostrils....At least for the moment, I'm not talking about marriage or receiving "precious bling." I know I'm far from it and I can live with that. In fact, I can't help but think I'm unconsciously trying to distract myself from thinking about all that marriage stuff by dabbling in some sports....I have a half marathon on February 4th, a Olympic relay triathlon (I'm doing the swim) in May, a sprint triathalon in June, another half marathon in October and possibly a Century ride (100 mile bike ride) by fall. I just need to buy a road bike. shoot. This is coming from an ex-smoker that couldn't run a mile a couple years ago.
Anyhoot, so that's not what's bothering me today. I'm glad to be in a happy and healthy relatiionship. I found a good man that treats me well. I'm sure to write more about that later as I've had another blog that's been brewing for awhile now. It will be "What I look for in a man, part 2: 3 years later." I will have to resurrect the original post from here on Girls Night Out. Gosh, I've made major revisions to that list for sures.
Anyways, back to business. I went out to dinner last night with a bunch of ladies. There was 9 of us total. I was the eldest. I only knew two girls and one of them offered to pick me up and drive me to the restaurant. At first, I welcomed the idea, but when I found out there were other girls in her car, I told her that I'd rather meet her at the restaurant.
I didn't want them to see my ghetto apartment. Strange, how a few years ago, I invited everyone to visit and hang out at my place..Now, I can't help but feel a little embarrassed. Perhaps it cuz the demographic of my apartment complex has changed for the worse - that's another blog in itself. I just wish everyone was respectful of each other in our complex.
Anyways, thank god I decided to drive sepeartely because seems everyone is a homeowner or bought a home with their man except for me. I started to get a complex. Am I the only one renting and living in a ghetto apartment?
Then, seems everyone has lucrative jobs except for me. My friend tine suggested that I tell the girls what I do for a living. I told her, "Oh gosh, it's not worth mentioning."
Suffice to say, I had a wonderful time with the girls. They are so very sweet and down to earth. Although I felt a little left behind, I'm actually inspired. I need to get my ass out of this job. I've been here way too long (8 years in the company. 7 in the same position) I need to make more money! (I know money isn't everything) I need to pass my test in April!A test with an average passing rate of about 5%. haha. Three times is a charm, right? I'm excited for a career change into Import/Export....but I really need that Customhouse Broker Licence first....
Now that's off my chest, I can thank god that I am healthy, that I have a roof over my head, that I have food to eat, that I have a wonderful boyfriend, a decent job....wonderful friends and family....a short commute, an office, easy going coworkers....
Things can always be better, but I really dont think I have much to complain about. :)
piaadoll at 9:47 AM