Everytime I hear Beyonce's single "Irreplacable" I have to roll my eyes just a little. The song is rumored to be about her boyfriend rapper boyfriend Jay-Z and how she can find another man just like him if he ever fooled around.

Uh, yeah right. Maybe for about 99% of the female population, this is true. But not for Beyonce. Now, granted Beyonce is a hot piece of ass...but she's not even close to being the icon Ms. Jackson was in her heyday nor is she even Christina Aguilera status at the moment. What she is, is a good, not great artist who is very marketable right now.


Now let's talk about the man to whom Beyonce keeps saying "to the left" repeatedly. Shawn Carter is something of a music mogul. Multi-millionaire: check. First non-athlete with a shoe deal with Reebok: check. Best MC alive: check. President of a record label: check. Owner of an NBA basketball Team, the soon to be Brooklyn Nets: check.

In the world of music, the next hot female icon / singer is always in the making and as fast as the first one rises, the next one is never far behind (see: Rihanna). Jiggaman would have his pick of the next crop of younger, hotter starlets fairly easily. He's Jay-Z..he gets more ass on his lap than the mall Santa it just comes with the territory. If Beyonce were to drop Jay-Z I bet any of the other ex-Destiny's Child members would be at the door right after they broke up. Its not hard to see Kelly Rowlands giving Beyonce a hug and whispering "I'm sorry, gurrrl..." and in the same motion push her aside and say "Step aside,bitch you had your chance...where is he?"

I got love for Beyonce...but if she was ever to dump Jay-Z, she'd never really be able to truly upgrade unless she got with one of a very short list of dudes that include ohhh lets see: Russell Simmons, P.Diddy, Babyface, LA Reid and that dude that owns the Charlotte Bobcats, Bob Johnson ...and I hear he's pretty old, but hey you never know.

Most of us dudes are pretty replacable but if there ever was a dude that was irreplacable...it's probably a music mogul that owns an NBA team.

Sure, Beyonce could get with some better looking guy, maybe in all likelihood one of those new jack R&B dudes...but that'd be like dating the busboy after you dated the owner of the restaurant.

The way I see it, stop the posturing and give the man his due. He IS irreplacable and she should take pride in the fact that she snagged him. She should take it from Kobe's wife and know he's the best she'll ever do. Sure, you might say she isn't doing so bad herself because she's a millionaire too...yeah, I'm sure...but we all know how fickle the music business can be. One day you're singin' to the left to the left on Jay Leno and the next thing you know people won't even download your bootleg album on Limewire and you're seriously hoping The Surreal Life next season jumpstarts your career. The smart play is, if dude ever cheats, she should treat him like the irreplacable asset he really is and squeeze him for cash like Mrs. Kobe Bryant! To the bank, to the bank if anything, but enough with this Irreplacable nonsense.

When I was 15, I had a massive crush on this girl and I told my cousin about it. He was like "GO for it." And I said "Ahhh she's too pretty..she's out of reach." He looked at me and said "Listen to me! Nothing is out of reach! Well except Pluto...cuz that mofucka is out there...but yeah..otherwise, nothing is out of reach." So after this chick resoundingly rejects me...I realize that there are in fact OTHER things out of reach besides Pluto.

Snakes is to Blame

So the lowly snake is the villain again huh? I guess when the Old Testament gives you a rep you can't exactly shake it. People just love seeing snakes in movies...i mean, the success of Anaconda will attest to that...and even a bit further back Conan the Barbarian had to battle with James Earl Jones when he turned into a giant snake. (Remember when dude took a snake and somehow made it stiff enough to use as an arrow like projectile? Blew my mind). What I don't understand is...WHy isn't our natural nemesis the MONKEY featured more? I mean planet of the apes was a phenomenon...yet only one series featuring our simian rivals? They're stronger than us and quite wily..yet we aren't using them as villains enough. (The Outbreak monkey doesn't count because that monkey was just diseased). Dane Cook had it right when he said that it would be fantastic if you kept a trained chimpanzee in your house that you would only feed if it would battle you with a sword and a shield. He said "How stoked would you be at work if you knew that when you got home...somewhere in the shadows a trained monkey was readying itself to do battle with you?" I mean seriously, come on...that's totally worth it. But no, we pick on the poor serpent because it happens to pack venom and can squeeze through places and surprise the shit out of you while you're looking for your shoes or something. I say boo...I say enough, bring on the monkeys.

Top 5 animal villains

5) Dogs -Cujo, those resident evil dogs.

4) Pirahna - them pirahna movies...you know, they can eat like a whole cow in a minute.

3) Alligators - Always lurking in the sewers or your pool. Sewage or chlorine...its all good to them. Never flush em because they turn giant.

2) Snakes - see my comments above. Bad rap...boring to boot.




1) Sharks - THat's right bitches sharks is the A-#1 badass animal movie villain of all times!, Mr. Spielberg made it okay for you to hate sharks. They're from the devil himself supposedly.



ps. No, gremlins aint real animals ...so I don't wanna hear that sh*t.

Costume Party

Ever been invited to a costume party when it's not around halloween? While some guys might think "AWESOME!", I've always been kinda on the leery side and I'll tell you the reason why. The party usually sounds good when you initially hear about it. You get a call from your friend talking bout some crazy party...

"Hey dude, house party ...it's gonna be sick, that girl you dig is gonna be there, I'm sure it'll be a bender..."

But it seems your buddy always leave the most important detail last.

"Uh...oh and uhh dress like a pirate, it's kind of a theme party. Later!"

You call back real quick and say "Yo, hold up...what? Pirate? What if I don't...what I don't dress up?"

"Aw man, they'll make you walk the PLANK! See you there!"

FACK. Now the reason I don't like costume parties is not because I'm a big ol' stick in the mud who takes himself seriously...it's that I don't trust the other guys who go to the party to be as fun-loving as I am.

I can picture it now, you stroll in the house and yell "Ahoy Mateys!" and look around expecting to find a motley lot of folks looking like blackbeard and captain hook and jack sparrow, the girls all in skimpy outfits dressed like maidens waiting to be ravaged! They'll all raise a frothy mug of brew and yell out "Yo ho ho!!!" But what you will actually find is that most of the guys will be wearing a Raiders baseball cap, maybe a shirt w/ a skull and crossbones print on it, and at most one dude might be wearing an eyepatch which he'll have tired of sporting so its already flipped up to his forehead. Otherwise, everyone's in streetclothes. Meanwhile...you'll be at the door with the big floppy hat, black wig and painted beard, a plastic parrot strapped to your left shoulder and a big red penguin tail blazer with a fluffy breasted shirt underneath. You've the ol' "hook" on one hand and on the other you're clutching a toy sword n' scabbard from toys r' us. You're standing there with baggy white striped pants, an oversized red sash for a belt and big black fisherman galoshes that smell like real fisherman galoshes (a lil) bit as these guys holding plastic red kegger cups all stare at you. The girls are dressed like sluts...not so much pirate sluts or anything, they have on the regular slut outfits that they have on Halloween that they claim is supposed to be either a "sexy fairy" or a "sexy angel". Your buddy emerges from one of the rooms wearing a shirt with a pirate face print on it with a caption that says "ARRRR you busy on Saturday?" and says "Wow, uh NICE! You REALLLY...you REALLLY got into it."

You're first reaction is..."YES! APPARENTLY. What the fuck? I thought...? I thought if we didn't dress up we'd have to walk the plank or some shit like that...!!"

It turns out "the plank" is just a beer bong and you gotta line up for that thing if you don't dress up. What's funny is that everyone decides to do the beer bong anyway. Everyone that walks in the party thinks you're that weird kid that thinks Star Wars mythology is applicaple in real life and goes to those Trekkie conventions. And you realize it's just no use trying to explain that you just happened to have a plastic parrot in your house to a crowd of people wearing designer shirts from Nordstrom. All in all, it's a good time except for the fact that everyone refers to you as that "dude with the fluffy shirt". Fantastic time had by all, mostly at your expense because YOU put too much faith in fun-lovingness mankind.

This event is based on a true story...except for a few things I've decided to embellish for artistic reasons but the overall effect is that its left me scarred and bitter. I think I'm willing to take a chance again...but maybe not until Halloween.

Suck'D

I got a prank pulled on me this weekend. The long and short of it is that my friend’s girlfriend called me and pretended to be a girl I met. When they dropped the payoff on me, I thought it was funny but something seemed a bit off. I realized that the payoff sucked twofold because I was of course embarrassed and disappointed simultaneously. If you watch Punk’d, the reason people sign off on their embarrassing moments on film is that they are relieved that the prank situation isn’t real. Ergo, the relief is a greater feeling than actually embarrassment. In my case, the letdown is worse than the actual embarrassment…hell I didn’t care that I was embarrassed, I was more pissed that the girl didn’t actually call me. This prank crosses over into cruel intentions territory so I have kind of a hard time letting go of it. It still kinda bothers me.

Annoying Gym Person # 88

The elderly lady with the horrific melting candle-wax body wearing a very revealing 80's mid-riff leotard set. She's got her gut pouring out of the damn thing and she always comes around the lower end of the free weight section where only maybe 10% of the women go. Since Im not built like a gorilla I can't really avoid her b/c the dumbells I can curl weigh the same as the big box of detergent that you can purchase in Costco. She's always there...and she's always sweaty and her face looks like Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas if she didn't stop using heavily years ago. I wish she only looked like this once in a while but she consistently looks this way and she's probably not going to change anytime soon so I guess I better get used to it.

More Cowbell!!!

Went to my aunt's party and this fellow started hitting this cowbell for like 7 minutes straight...imagine listening to the length of this video 14 maybe 15x in a row and you will imagine how I felt.


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Annoying gym person # 45

Then there's that guy that interrupts your workout by catching your eye because he wants to ask if you are using a certain machine that he wants to use. "You using this?" I can understand that he's just being corteous...but enough is enough. I'm always like 20 feet away from that machine so its fairly obvious I'm not using it at the moment and if I was I would probably be kinda next to it. I always reply "Nah, it's all yours..." but what I want to say is "Are you serious? I'm nowhere near that thing...seriously, I don't know why you are asking me that." But I don't because I'm a nice guy. I don't know why but I don't like my private thoughts (about how terribly out of shape I am)interrupted by sweaty people who I'm trying very hard to ignore. This is the gym after all...and it's bad enough that I pay 60 dollars a month to sit in someone else's poorly wiped sweat puddle so its just acting too much to make me interact. That's it, I'm done.

Couple of things that's been going through my mind, it's all just been running around here unwritten...well, not entirely because I've been randomly hitting the VoodooChild with some chat blogs. She advised me to pour what's in my head into a more accessible forum and here we go...for your enjoyment.

1) Never play "Defend What's in your IPOD" with a girl, you will always lose. Guys can take a girl's ipod and scroll through and be like "Hah! Vanilla Ice?? So lame!"

And then she'll scroll through yours and be like "Well what about this mandy moore track, fag?"

Game over. You lose. I don't even think I need to explain this one any further. When I pondered out loud "Maybe I'll just change the titles to these songs to disguise them...." A friend replied "Maybe you should stop being a fairy and quit listening to that crap." I guess there IS more than one way to skin a cat.

2) Why is it whenever Im looking at sunglasses on that spinning rack at the Nordstrom's, Macy's or more likely 7-11...someone always joins me?? YES, that rack could be vacant for hours and the minute you start checking out the selection, some goober will immediately come from nowhere to peruse the suddenly VERY INTRIGUING shades along with you. Not only will this goober join you, he will almost always try to make that rack spin the OTHER way you had it going. He will spin it right when you are trying on a pair so that the empty slot you took your shades from will disappear to the other side and you'll be left fumbling for an empty slot to place the pair you just tried on. It aggravates me so much sometimes I just wish I could give that rack one good hefty spin like in the Price is Right just to see how many revolutions that thing can take before the G-forces fling all the shades around like an exploding grenade...just once, juuust once... before I walk out the door of the 7- er, Nordstrom I'd like to do that.