FYI - this is sorta long.
It's me, Mama Toots. I thought I'd share the whole "Doctor" thing...because I just feel like talking about it, but I don't want to actually talk to someone about it.
Let's start from the beginning...over the Christmas holiday I was admitted to the E.R. for abdominal pains. You don't understand, I can take pain. If tolerable, I just ignore it. C'mon, I have two kids to take care of, so if I'm not having the best day, well, I just suck it up. But this time, the pain was too unbearable. Like a super looooong contraction that WOULD NOT go away. Anyways, 20 minutes on the paper bed I was feeling much better. As much as I wanted to go, I couldn't. 20 minutes turned into 6 freakin' hours! The results of my E.R. visit was gallstones. My blood work also revealed "some" inflammation, but I didn't want to stay longer to find out the cause. So I signed a release of Medical Advisement just so they would let me go. I promised to talk to my Doctor once I got back home anyways.
So I'm home. I talk to my doctor, see my doctor, and well, I ended up seeing other kinds of doctors too. One thing lead to another. It was test after test after test.
"I see a mass but we want to find out more about it, so I'm referring you to a GI Specialist."
"You have a mass in your gall bladder that's bigger than normal, so I'm referring you to an Oncologist."
Oncologist. Yeah, say no more. After all my tests, I have a mass in my gallbladder that's malignant. So my gallbladder needs to go. The good news is after my last CT scan, my organs surrounding my gallbladder are in tip-top shape. After my gallbladder is removed I will have another scan to see if chemo or even radiation is necessary. According to my doctor...or doctors, it's unlikely. But shiet, when it comes to me, nothing ever comes that easy. I just found out today that instead of having the easy procedure of 3 little incisions, there's a possibility for "open" surgery because of the mass. Yeah, right now I'm feeling NOTHING is every easy for me - a breast lump, anemia, hypoglycemic, miscarriages, high risk pregnancies, and now this!
I was telling a girlfriend about my situation. She said something I never really thought about. She asked me if all this was hereditary. I told her, no and I was the first for many things in my family. Then she told me it's because I'm the strongest. It was comforting to hear, but at the same time, ENOUGH! I'm tired of being strong! I'm tired of having to go through shit! I'm just....freakin' tired already of all of this. I don't want to be strong...at least for now.
From time to time, people ask me "How are you doing?" I always answer "fine" because I really don't know how I'm doing. I haven't had the time to think about everything, yet absorb it all. When I'm home with the kids, I'm with the kids. There's no time to think about anything else but the kids. I was going to my appointments, listening to what they were telling me, then hurrying home to the kids. But thinking about it, how am I suppose to feel? How is someone with C suppose to feel? I know it's nothing compared to breast C or lung C, but the point of the matter is it's still C! So, for now I will answer "fine" if that's alright with you. And yes, I've talked to my hubby, but he's just way too supportive for me right now. I know that sounds funny, but to tell him my fears or even my angry thoughts would probably squash all positivity in him. So I'd rather keep him where he's at. He's the best though, I'll give him that.
This past weekend, I did nothing but drive all over SF running errands. I'm trying to do whatever needs to be done the next few weeks just in case I don't recover all too well. I was in and out of the car, driving in the pouring rain, checking things off my list, writing more stuff to do on my list - sheesh! But it was a good weekend for me. A good time where I was actually able to think about everything. I mean EVERYTHING! I think I was thinking so much I was able to go through it all - sad, pity, anger. Not @uck the world angry, but why me angry. I thought about things so much I couldn't stop crying. And it doesn't help I have slow jam mixes playing in the background - ha! I just couldn't understand why this was happening to me and why now. Why? I don't really need an answer, but at times we just need to ask why I guess. So for now, I'll just take whatever comes my way, have my surgery on Friday, and see what happens...
