Over the weekend, I was at a dinner party with Nate. It was a different kind of dinner party. Four couples, three of whom were married, and all three have kids. It was at a beautiful house in St. Francis Woods in SF, which, if you knew SF, can be considered the Hamptons of SF. While the adults sat around discussing music in the likes of OMD and ELO, the kids were downstairs screaming and yelling over the playstation. It was a dinner party that was the sign of the times. First of all, the women were out in the living room sipping wine, playing mahjong and occasionally getting up to set up the tables. The men, were in the kitchen cooking, discussing how to make guacamole with a smoother zing. Secondly, the dinner conversation involved the different types of child raising- both men and women participated in this discourse. Montessori, constructivist, private, public, structure, no structure, etc etc. and the outcome effects of such upbringing. And perhaps all this doesn't seem quite so strange to anyone else; even when writing this, I can hear myself wondering, what's wrong with this picture... absolutely nothing; but for me, it felt like I was peeking into the future- where I would be in a um... five, ten years maybe?
Then the hyperventilation started. I held onto Nate's hand, trying to keep calm and hoping no one would notice the wide eyed fear I had in my eyes. So this is what it looks like?
I've started to think that maybe I'm just not the marrying kind. I like the idea of marriage. I crave stability and marriage seems to be another state of stability- but it's the getting there that scares me. It's like a chemical reaction you know... from one state to another and in between there's all that instability, reactivity and expense of energy. Well, I don't like the in between parts.
During the course of dinner, I felt raw and naked in front of the other three couples. Their lives seem settled, and they could sort of go on, with whatever else life has to offer, whereas I felt, more than ever, trapped in my instability, in my wanderlust. I can't even say for sure where I will be this time next year. A big part of me wants to be here with someone, and all my questions answered but these kinds of plans belong to variables that I can barely control.
And someone of course had to ask when Nate and I were going to have kids. I laughed and got up to get more chocolate cake. It almost flew out of my mouth that we barely started dating. But we managed to successfully avoid answering the question and I managed to not pass out in anxiety.
So many boys at one time you may ask? Mot from last week, Alex from a month ago, and now Nate... I'm getting the feeling that I really shouldn't do this. I'm trying them on for size and it's like nothing fits. I'm seeking safety and stability... and granted, all this needs to be established in a matter of time but I still feel a lot safer at home or with my friends. And the thought of all that effort and instability, waiting for someone to call, or wondering if they like you too, just does not quite appeal to me anymore.

Surprise delivery

um, yea. Mot the chef, came by my work today (surprise surprise) and brought me lunch. It was chicken and prawn soup (the chicken was de-boned btw) and for dessert, macaroons. I was on the phone this when this happened. Someone knocked on the door and and I opened it and I see this lunch bag being put on my desk and look up... there was Mot. Talk about being totally surprised... I almost cried... it was really really really sweet and I can't remember the last time someone planned a surprise for me.

And now I'm just totally confused... but at least my belly is full.

Random Message

um, yea. Opened my friendster inbox today and here's what I found:

I obviously found your profile on Friendster. Not a big user of online dating although most of my friends are...so here it goes.
I have lived in San Francisco for the past 5 years nonetheless; my consulting job had me travel extensively so I have not seen much of the city.
I am originally from Milan, Italy and lived throughout Italy and the US (including CT, New York City and Texas).I am looking for friends, dates and maybe more. Overall I am looking for someone who can hypnotize me with her personality, wittiness and overall sense of humor.I like to scuba dive, play soccer (of course, I am Italian), work out, travel (although I do travel globally quite a bit for my job), dining and discovering new places.
I know this may sound very outdoorsy...I am truly a city person and yes, I do like to shop...One ingredient that is missing from all this is that I would like to share it with someone special. Someone who would care about me and a potential relationship. So far, I have met several people but they all turned out to be either complete "psychos" or simply not a good match.
You seem to be attractive, smart, funny and geekish in a sexy kind of way.Let me know if you are interesting in starting a conversation.I am currently on vacation and am writing you from Rome and will return to SF next week nonetheless, feel free to reply to my message.
All the Best,

so... to reply or not to reply?

eat drink woman man

I think my life has calmed down a little bit- seems a little a ways from three to four weeks ago when I was confused, deranged and upset just about life. School has kicked in and I've started tutoring again, which means I work 12 hour days three days of the week. That my students are back and I've started once again, focusing on their lives and helping them, has helped me in turn. It's redirected all that mental energy and anxiety. There's still a mild sting thinking about Eddie, but it's not so bothersome anymore.
I'm went out on my second date with Mot the chef yesterday. Our first date was on Labor Day and I guess I didn't write about it because even though I had a good time, I felt rather drained from it. Dating is so draining. I think I make a pretty good first date cos I can read people pretty well and I react to what I think they want to see or hear- which is bad in the long run because I end up playing a role that I might not want to play later. But I decided to go on this second date anyway. Amongst other more noble reasons for agreeing to this second date, was the fact that Mot got tickets to opening day with the Niners.
Mot is the chef at a highly rated San Franciscan restaurant. We arrived at the tailgate with baguettes, 4 types of award winning cheeses, prosciutto and pickle appetizer and a dish with fresh anchovies and roasted vegetables soaked in olive oil. Very classy. Everyone loved Mot. He seemed to have a spectacular time explaining the food to everyone who tried it. I had an equally good time eating it all up. One friend said, Mooncake, you really know how to pick your men and food. This friend hasn't obviously read this blog and the secret life of Mooncake and her issues with Men.
Tsk tsk.

the weatherman finally got it right

blazing hot sun on all three days of this labor day weekend. the sun makes you feel sexy, especially when you are in shorts, halternecks and bikinis all the time. No wonder people say socal folks are ditsy. How can you not feel crazy and silly in this weather?

Date Processed

I promise this is the last time I will talk about Alex and the date. I've been thinking about it, and wondering what is up with me. While on the one hand I like the idea of meeting people and considering possibilities etc, I have been getting the heebie jeebies after a while and feel really scared about going beyond a casual friendship. Am almost wondering if I have caught the cold sweats otherwise known as commitment phobia. It isn't though that I'm afraid to be with someone for a long time. It is however, this immense fear of being hurt and rejected.
Did I ever mention I've been proposed to three times before I hit 25? I said no to all those proposals of course. I just couldn't imagine being married that young. The last 3 years I've dated about 4 other guys, had one serious relationship with one, felt very rejected by 2 of them, another two just fell off the radar... just cos neither of us wanted to pursue it. And in the last three years, what I've missed most is the comfort and security of the knowledge that someone out there loves me and loves me enough to spend awkward silences with, fight about the inane things with, grapple with the issues of "growing up" with, do the mundane day to day with. But at the same time, I'd much rather be alone than enter into a risky relationship. I've rolled the dice and I've gambled and it's just so much easier to sit alone in my kitchen and sip coffee to Lucinda Williams.

phew!

I got out of my date with Alex. Phew. He was weirded out by me and rightfully so. I was all enthusiastic last week and this week, I just was like a cold fish. Right now, I just feel relieved. There's nothing wrong with Alex, I just don't feel it's right. Probably the same way Eddie felt about me. Reminds me of a line from the movie Before Sunrise- that when someone breaks up with you, you think they're going through the same shit but really they're not cos when you break up with someone else, you realize how litte you think of that person and just how relieved you are that things aren't the way that they used to be. I'm paraphrasing of course, but I think it's totally true.