commitment phobe

Alex, my date from last week has called twice. And although I made an arrangement to go out again next week, I'm already dreading it. First dates are usually fun. It's what happens after that usually gets to me. If I like the guy, then there's that eternal fear of rejection. If I'm not sure, then I'm always uncomfortable and I feel pressured. If I don't like the guy, well that's the easiest. Right now, I feel pressured. I don't feel as if I know this person and get that sense that he's only after the goods... you know what I'm saying?

I'm learning a lot about myself over the last month. I never really had time to think about what my own psyche is like. The past few weeks, I almost feel as if I were watching myself- observing my own behavior and to a certain extent, feel a sense of non-control. I watched myself get upset over a breakup, watched myself feel disdain for places, watched myself crumble over a friend's passing, watched myself play the desparate for friends/ boys role, watched myself look foolish in front of others. I wish I could say I processed all of this and can tightly sum it up into a platitude or two but it's more complicated than that. I think my biggest fear is that I end up like Robin Williams in One-Hour Photo where he becomes no one and literally lives through the lives of others and fantasizes about having other people's lives. Except I'm not even sure that I want to live like other people.

It's always awkward you know? I mean, I don't feel as if I fit in particularly everywhere, hence this sense of discomfort all the time. I don't know if that's natural. Some groups of friends are just a little too this way and others are a litte too that way. I'm happy with all, but not completely comfortable. It almost feels like being in first grade again. Few things change when you grow up don't they?

SAF seeks laundry mate

Went on a date last night with Alex. I met Alex at the parking lot outside the docks where I teach sailing. Was funny cos I was in my foul weather gear, with an ugly sweater on, and my yankees beanie cos it was cold as hell that morning. He smiled and said, "Good Morning". I replied, hello.
"I've never seen a woman in fishing gear before"
"It's sailing gear. I teach sailing here"
...
Three minutes later, I discover, he's from New York, lived here for the last 20 years and still hasn't gotten rid of his new york nasal. Kinda sexy. I let him ask me out for a drink later that day. This was the day after Eddie and I split.

Last night's date was ok. He's blunt as hell, which I like and although I'm attracted to him, I feel like holding back. I liked the fact that we were laying our cards out there. He doesn't know what he's looking for- which I think is frank enough. Sometimes a wife sometimes just fun. Depends on the woman. Then I had to say what I wanted.

I used to say i didn't know what I wanted but I know what I don't want. I think I've managed to move beyond that a little over the years. And I think it would also suffice to say that this definition is amorphous and changes as life goes on. I came up with this:

SAF seeks mate for laundry, grocery shopping, coffee on sunday mornings, cuddling while watching espn, someone passionate about his profession, intellectual but also crazy on the dance floor. Have an eclectic taste in movies and understand also a girl's need for chick flicks. Be comfortable in awkward silences and enjoy the moments of strangeness. But most of all, love sundays in pjs, coffee and the new york times. Persons looking for instant marriage need not apply.

How does that sound?

can't think of a title right now

talk about shitty cards

For about a year, I've kept it secret, that K's ex boyfriend M was hitting on me. Last Thursday, he did it again, and I finally told her on Saturday morning.
I contemplated and considered this decision for a whole year... and yea, i should probably have told her what happened as soon as it happened but I didn't. I let it slide cos I thought M was drunk and I didn't want their relationship to get any worse than it was already. Whatever...
This Thursday was the last straw. I ended up telling.
Somewhere between saturday morning and evening, I suppose K confronted M and I've got hate mail coming from M now, and K will not talk to me or pick up my calls. I've been told I just ruined my friendship with both of them, which to be honest I kinda saw it coming. I was really upset this morning that K would not take my calls or anything like that. I figured somewhere along the way, the storyline changed, and I've become the bad person. But after a few hours, I just couldn't care less anymore. I called multiple times and i've tried contacting her, but to no avail. This shit's been going on for about a year already, and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm kinda glad the information is out there. I'm kinda glad I'm not living with this secret anymore. For all that it's worth, I'm throwing all this crap out to be sorted. I just don't want to deal with it anymore. If K doesn't want to talk, or listen, or believe what I have to say, then so be it. I'm tired of pandering, I'm tired of feeling guilty, I'm tired tired tired. As for M, I could care less what he thinks and the friendship is over. It was over by last thursday already.

getting sh*t done

just finished filling out the LSAT applications... such a long winded procedure. this weekend I've got to figure out how to turn my World Bank application into PDF format- and it's off. Been sitting on it for the longest time. And then I just found out the UN is hiring Singaporean citizens. So I've got another damn form to fill out so I can take an exam to work for the UN.
There's just way too much shit to do. I think I'm quitting sailing. At least am quitting the racing part of it. I don't have the mental capacity to do it at all. I paid a shit load of racing fees already, but I just can't do it. Thinking about going to oakland and jack london square makes my blood boil. I have strong associations with places. So for now, i'd like to keep my sanity... by filling up forms at least.

happy smiles

i thought i'd post this anyway. someone asked me in an email today, the top ten things that make me smile:
1. coffee in the morning, in my kitchen on my yellow kitchen table
2. lounging around in pjs, waiting for/ watching law and order
3. stupid funny movies
4. horror movies, which I'm inclined to say always look stupid funny in the end
5. christmas, christmas trees, christmas cookies, christmas ornaments... christmas anything really
6. karaoke... especially when people are drunk and think they sing very well... like me...hahaha
7. cards, letters, emails... cards and letters always make you feel special. emails... well they help you survive through the day.... even when it's spam
8. sailing.
9. road trips to anywhere... especially since i have an ipod and itrip now.
10. brand new pair of shoes.... how can i resist.

kinda glad that i could name at least ten you know

28 is the new 40

I didn't acknowledge it until this week, how hard this summer has been. I'd been holding up and holding up wondering what was wrong with me and wondering why I wasn't quite where I wanted to be or even if I knew where I wanted to be.
I broke down on Thursday/ Friday night, when Grace called and I had to explain everything that had happened over the last 12 weeks- beginning first with a huge transition from not being in school, graduating, the death of one of my best friends and then being rejected by someone else.
It would be so much easier if someone had told me what was wrong with me and then I could just fix it and deal with it. But no one tells you that. And no one can tell you that.
I couldn't I guess throw myself deep into the depths of sadness and depression because I didn't know what was wrong and I couldn't quite verbalize it. How can I possibly be sad when everything looks so fine and dandy? I have everything on the twenty something's guide to happiness: my own apartment, car, career, money, loving parents and friends. It just doesn't seem as if I have any justification to be this upset, this sad, and this dishevelled. People keep saying how strong I am, without realizing that I'm really about to fall apart.
I remember distinctly this line from Ally McBeal, when Ling (lisa liu) asks Ally why she was so bothered, upset and neurotic about her issues, trivial as they seem. Ally replies, "because they are mine". And I remember thinking to myself, how true. At every instance in life, I will always have to be me, and I will be the only one dealing with heartbreak, loss, sadness, happiness, friendship, love. No one else is there to be me. I got sick of being me this past two weeks. I got sick of dealing with the anger, the stress, the loss, the grief, the I'm supposed to be strong through all of this shit.
I think I went on for weeks thinking, ok, I've got to be strong and I've got to stop thinking about all this and I really don't have any reason to be this upset. But fuck, how can you stop thinking when the minute you tell yourself to stop thinking you start thinking about it? I've just been fighting fighting all these feelings- I don't want to feel them but I still did.
I know I said I didn't want to be angry at Eddie, but I am. I didn't want to cry at Tim's funeral but I did. I keep myself busy so I have a life, but I feel like I have none.
I don't even know if today's me is a facade of who I really am because I honestly don't know who I am. I'm working to keep myself from not falling apart. That's all I'm doing. And it's frickin hard as it is.

Missing you

I really miss Tim. I really really do. This summer's gone by so fast and so many crazy things have happened. I want to halt time, but I also want it to go by really quickly.

In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.

"In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
To-morrow or to-day.

"Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver's brilliant bow.

"O plunge your hands in water,
Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you've missed.

-W.H. Auden

Relief x 2

So I did it. Drastic change number one. I cut my hair. It's short now. A little below the ears. It's a cute bob. I can't decide if I like it or not but I like the change that's for sure. I've been told I look like a little girl, and that I look more professional... opposite views.

And for the second time this year, I had that clear rational thought when I woke up this morning. The first time was in deciding to leave and not go back to my ex. It was a morning in february and it was just so so clear already that we were fighting so bitterly that it just seem clearly irrational to continue with it. I chose to let it go. Today, I woke up and decided I didn't want to be angry anymore. It's too hard. It hurt. And I still have that fantasy when eddie sees me next, he's going to regret it... you know that sorta fantasy.

There's this great line in a song by Vienna Teng, and it says "wrap life in the brilliance of death to humble us all". I've been thinking of Tim. And how he passed away. I don't want to die angry like that- not over this. If I died tomorrow, this isn't where I want to be. So it seemed the only rational decision was to let it all go. I even contemplated writing a letter to eddie to bridge a friendship. I don't know about that yet. I don't see a reason to work so hard at cutting him off. It just seems easier to explain why I was upset and then to just let it all go.

I still have some hesitation about the letter writing bit. I'll give it a shot. But the decision to let it all go was a relief, as it was in february.

Lays, Discs, Cuts and Stacks

Went to my first ultimate game last night. I totally freaked out yesterday morning and evening right before the games. Never played ultimate before in a league. In fact, never played a team sport in my adult life ever. There were about 100 people there and about 8 teams. We played the purple Mermaids and my team name is Too Hot to Handle, episode 13 Season 1 (I have no clue where this name comes from). We're the folks in white.
And I thought really it was the throwing and catching that mattered. Nope. We played man to man defense, zone defense, stacks etc... Complete information overload for me last night. I ran like hell guarding this redhead and ran like hell again, trying to get away from her whenever there was a turnover- all this while trying to figure out where the fuck I was supposed to be whenever the captain yelled "zone!"
But all in all, it was fun. Beer at the Little Shamrock was fun after as well. Even better was the fact that I got a really good work out. My body aches but the adrenalin rush is addictive. I'm excited about the next game.
As for the eddie situation, it's fading out. Pretty quick if you think about it. Some things were regrettable, but that's how I feel about it now. Just regrettable. However, he has to be credited as the catalyst for my long overdue meltdown- making changes in my life as a twenty something, deciding that I really don't need to try to be the thirtysomething yuppie that's settling down. And that I really shouldn't be the recluse that works eighty hours a week and goes home to hide out. Time to move on.

Moving

I'm moving. I don't know where yet, but I've decided to move. I love my apartment but I am starting to not love this neighborhood.
For the entire year last year, my apartment was great. I was writing a thesis, I worked crazy hours and I needed a place where I could be reclusive and quiet. And it was. But part of this whole long overdue meltdown that I'm having post graduation is realizing the fact that I'm in a neighborhood where I'm not engaged in, not participating in and is altogether too old for me. It's a very family oriented neighborhood, few young people and even though it's got great transit and all, it feels way too far from everything even though it's close to the very very practical things that I need.
And I want a dog or a cat.
So I'm moving. My criteria this time for moving are:
1. Has to be smack in the middle of a very singles neighborhood
2. Absolutely nowhere near noe valley.
3. takes pets
4. Close to transit and close to a coffee store.
My lease ends this month.

the search for 6-10

I'm a little calmer today. Sad but calm. Trying not to feel sad because it makes me feel mad about e. More than anything else, my pride was hurt in all of this. Am determined not to let this get to me. It's gotten to me enough already. There's more to life than a boy and there's more to life than getting hitched. At least that's the mantra I have to sing for the next couple of weeks until I sober up out of this depression.

blogger my sorrows away

ahh.. nothing like blogging to vent one's frustrations away and to reflect on the meaning of life at that.

The first thing I did yesterday was to stick the damn birthday gift for e up and send it away. not off but away and away from me. I decided to give it to him because there wasn't anything i could do with it and i didn't want any reminder of it. it was a book entitled spaghetti eddie. I used call him that as a pet name. And I had written in it so I couldn't send it back to amazon. Anyway, put the damn thing in a work envelope with the official work letterhead and all and sent it. Refuse to use anything personal.

He sent me an email today saying he got the book. I trashed the email. Refuse to reply to it. Says he's off to work as usual in Milpitas. Blah work. After what he said on saturday about using work to distance our relationship and after all the god damn compromises I made so we could work around his schedule, I just don't believe it anymore. I hate deceit and I hate people not being up front. And I hate the fact that he was so obsessed on his quest for marriage that all he looked at me was whether or not i could fit the marriage mould in his mind.

He's back on match dot com. Went into match today to request that they NOT send me anymore emails and out of sheer stupidity went to look and see if e was on it. Of course he was. I don't know if I'm being immature in all of this ranting and raving because I'm so mad at him. I understand the need to be coupled and I understand the depth of loneliness and the sense that you are lacking your other half when one is single. I get all that. But I don't get this mission to be married. I really really don't. I want to be married, but I could never see myself on that mission.

And to treat the feelings of others so lightly when on that mission. It was Wednesday when we had our last date which betrayed nothing. And which is probably making me feel this mad about the whole situation. Picked him up at the dentist, had dinner, dessert, rented a movie, went home, had sex, watched the movie, went to bed. He had 6 hours from the time I picked him up til the time we went to bed to discuss all that with me. But no, he didn't. And what about the sex? Gee I wonder what he was thinking. Just one last fuck. How about that! God I feel cheap. Just where did I fit into this relationship? Apparently nowhere.

Of course the right conclusion now is that I'm better off without him. I know I am. But I still feel like crap. Because I was treated like crap. He makes my blood boil and my stomach curdle. The worst thing is that I didn't realize how much I made my schedule/ life revolve around him and his supposed work schedule that now I'm at a complete loss. I'd plan for a tuesday or wednesday night at his place and then friday or saturday and like made sure I did everything so that I could afford to spend tall that time there. And then I spent like the time in between looking forward to the date. And that I did all this so that we could possibly make this relationship work. I sank some big ass commitment to making it work and it feels like a pie thrown back into my face. Fuck that.

Curve Ball

didn't see it comin.
e and I broke up this weekend.

e: "it's not you it's me... you're perfect, but i just don't feel we communicate. I want to be married, I'm 36 already. I just don't think it will work."

and that was the first and last conversation we had about working at our relationship.

the sixth sense saw it comin... just couldn't tell the other five senses to duck. Haven't eaten or slept all weekend and am PISSED that I'm this hung up over the issue.

miserable weather, miserable weekend.

But i did leave with grace though. Was calm and composed and left it as his loss not mine.

e doesn't have to see the ungraceful ranting.