It seems when you break up with your boyfriend, you break up with his friends too. But what do you do when both of you have the same friends? And share the same social circle? Does the group split down the middle? Like what happens at a wedding... the groom's side and the bride's side?
Z and C have been my best friends by far in SF. I've known Z since we were 13 and when she met C, I was estatic for her. This was by far the best match I'd seen. They had the chemistry, the passion for the same things, the fireworks. By golly, they both took transit all over the bay area and even went on an amtrak trip together, just to prove to everyone that there are other means of transit across the country other than flying or driving. And they aren't the sort of couple to make you sick with P.D.A.
Then Z moved across the pacific to pursue her dream of working in China. That tore the relationship apart. By far, I'd say C had the most supportive group of friends ever. We all cheered him on, listened to how much he missed her, how much he hated that she was away. We all listened to despairing words, that they weren't meant to be, that they only constantly fought over the phone. And we still took out the pom poms and said, you can make it to the finishing line. She'll be back!
And she is. Except C felt it was too little too late. They're in this nebulous state now... between a breakup and trying to make up. And I feel like a kid watching her parents get a divorce, wondering why they can't get back together, why they both can't be happy together.
Invariably, sides have to be taken. And I say that because over the weekend, I spent time with C and his new interest.
I could barely deal with it. I couldn't help but think: Z was just back last weekend. You guys spent the weekend together... how could this possibly happen? I'm sure C noticed my sullen demeanor over dinner and my lack of speech. I could not speak, or look at her. I could not watch them both together. Dinner was a torture. It took every effort not to roll my eyes whenever she made a joke and he laughed.
Worse, I felt so guilty for spending time with them. Z lives in another part of the state, where she found a job. She's still looking for one in the bay area so she can move back. I feel like I'm betraying her, spending time with C.
It is not my place to say anything or to tip the scales any other way. But I cannot say that I'll sit on the fence. And it will be on Z's side that I will stand.

Yesterday, I had an extremely difficult conversation with a friend that lasted 2 hours; after which I had to process it with my girlfriend K for another 2 hours. My cell phone usage will one day burn my brains out I know it.

So the difficult conversation went like this:
"If we start this, it'll never go anywhere"
"Well, how do you know? you haven't even tried"
"well, I just do."
"I'm not looking for marriage if that's what you think."
"Well, neither am I. But this isn't what I want either"
"What is it that you want? Why are you giving up your options? You're wasting your time you know that...waiting and waiting."
"I don't know what I want. I just know this isn't what I want."

*repeat conversation for about another 45 minutes in other permutations*

Arrgghh...

I was so traumatised by this that I had to call my girlfrend. K and I talked til 1:30am this morning trying to figure out what I want, what she wants, out of men and relationships. But that is another story for another day. Right now, all I can think of is that I wore red socks with my brown mary janes and look like hell.

caffeine rush today. Had ice coffee this morning... a large one in fact, and have been munching on starbucks dark chocolate all day. Head totally hurts now.
Found some boat on the internet that goes out regularly and needs crew. I've volunteered. Hopefully it'll turn out well and I can be sailing on a regular basis. My sailing club is nice... although most people are in their 40s. And whether they believe it or not, there's always sailing snobbery. Good to have them around but don't want to be hard up for them.
Tonite I have to go to a dinner that I really don't want to go to. Feel obligated but really just want to go home and curl up in bed. And it's Law and Order night too!
Yesterday spent around $250... way too much money... to frame a poster. But it's a beautiful poster. Aesthetically pleasing and artistically challenging to interpret. Someone asked me if it's a Jonathan Livingston's seagull. I honestly don't know what that looks like, or what the story is about. I just ordered the book from amazon. I can't wait though, to hang the poster on my wall. It's a black and white poster of a seagull soaring up and above the clouds. It'll go on my bedroom wall where I can wake up to it everyday.

I turned in my thesis draft last night. Phew! What a relief. And all the back pain, headaches, numbness in my arms were all gone this morning when I awoke.
Went shopping with my friend Mari last nite. We both spent too much money in Borders, which I suppose is better than spending too much money at Macy's. I bought two books by Paulo Coelho, one of which I'd already read but wanted a copy of anyway, and the other which I finished today.
Tonight, I get to go to a pie party. I haven't baked a pie in forever, but it should be fun to do :) And I started on a new crochet project as well.
And here I thought I'd be bored to tears without my thesis.

Just wanted to remind everyone that the meaning of christmas lies not in the capture of Saddam.

If I hear one more news channel say that, I am going to cancel my cable connection.

1) Something to make you laugh on a Friday... ala queer eye style

2) Work Xmas party at Gordon Biersch yesterday was splendid. Must say that I had immense self control not to drunk more than 4 of their Dunkles. The Chardonnay does not count.

3) Still working on the frickin thesis. At this point, I just want to throw it in the garbage can.

4) Will Santa bring me a boyfriend this christmas? Wrap him up in red christmas wrapping. Tall and sexy would be splendid. And he should know to kiss me without the mistletoe. And I promise to love him and take such good care of him.

5) Still making my christmas wreath. Needs a couple more ribbons and candy canes...and it'll be all set.

Still working on my thesis. Haven't got a lot done yet. Snail's pace I tell l you.

The scary thing isn't not finishing. It's finishing the darned thing. And then what am I going to do? For two years now, I've been working on this during weekends and on weekday nights.

That complete silence and lack of agenda in the house is daunting. Worse, it makes the reality of being alone even more stark. Without this thesis, I really don't have to do anything. I could become the invisible soul in #1, whom no one will miss.

Now that's a scary thought.

I know I'm an adult now because I just put up my 1st Christmas tree without my parents. I bought my 1st tree yesterday, a little 4 footer, and some decorations from target. No presents yet.

Went to watch Love Actually, and was rather disappointed. Have no problems with chick flick feel good movies but this one was just a little too much. 4 weddings and a funeral was way better. The way the movie went, made me feel like should, could, would fall in love during Christmas, so why the hell aren't you. Felt crummy after movie. So much for the feel good aspect.