There are nights that are just really really hard, and this is just one of them.
Realizing that everyone I care about is not here in SF at least for now. As fate would have it, best girlfriends have to be away long term for work. Am so very very sick of working the crowd, meeting new people and having to make colossal effort to reach out and get out of my shell. The extensive social life is getting tiring. There are people I've met, whom I'd never give up for the world, but is just getting dreary at this moment. Am sick of pining for the ex, sick of waking up at 7am and working til 9pm. Sick of partying hard to relieve the boredom and being alone. Sick of all this. I hate my life as is right now and am not happy. Am just not.

Am making a conscious effort to blog today because it is my birthday. I turn 27 on this 29th day of March. As part of my birthday package to myself, I joined a sailing club. Today is my first day sailing, after not having sailed for about 7 years. Was an excellent day on Richardson Bay, and SF has decided to also bless my day with extremely hot weather. After 4 hours on the waters, decided it was too nice to be in the city and instead headed for Tiburon. Found a market that sold fresh cooked crabs, bought myself one and sat by the water devouring it. Decided to check out the action later in the Marina since I was decidedly in "marina" gear... cap, sunglasses, shorts and ponytail. Unfortunately, was bored so headed home. Am now getting ready for dinner party in my honor at a friend's.
So far so good :)

I had a terrible dream last night.
I dreamt I put a dog... a white shitzu specifically... into the oven because it liked to be warm.
After it had been in there a while, I kinda got the feeling it was wrong to do it so I opened the oven door and the dog keeled over, open eyed and died.
Then the pangs of guilt and the "oh what the fuck was I thinking" hit me and I wanted to cry, but that did not help, and there was nothing I could do to turn back time.
Then I woke up.

Was chatting with girlfriend, C, yesterday who insists that match. com is the bomb. It got one woman in her office happily hitched and she is convinced that because you pay good money to email these men, or to at least IM with them, it's not a hoax. C is currently considering one such male creature because of his excellent profile and is considering shelling out the nominal fee a month to email him.
I dutifully checked (and was extremely curious) about this internet dating phenomenon that I've let slip by and read some of these profiles. Also checked out some of the profiles with cute pics. One described himself as stylin, but never a fashion victim. Another was seeking a woman who was not afraid to make her opinion known and knows how to hold a good argument and a good beer.
Granted these are all super qualities, but doesn't everyone want a woman like that? Isn't everyone stylish, but certainly not enslaved to haute couture?

I think I may post one like this:
S/M seeks casual-serious relationship with fashion victim female who cannot spell Gucci. You must only speak when spoken to, and know that I am not interested in what you have to say. You must be interested only in my gorgeous body, laugh at all the jokes I make, and pretend to know what I am talking about when I defend my Republican roots.

Thank God you can still meet quality men like these at a bar, without paying $30 a month.

Think it's absolutely weird that my roommate and I have ex-es appearing in our lives again at the same time. There must be some cosmic confluence around my apartment or something. Hers will be over tonight after an afternoon matinee and dinner. Was out with my ex, and mind you this was an ex from 3 years ago yesterday and day before and was overwhelmed with affection and impeccably considerate manners (too considerate so to speak). Was called "hon" (short for honey) twice, and when sharing family style dinner, he insisted on dishing out all the food for me.
Am realizing that despite all that was considerably annoyed and awkward. Feel guilty for being annoyed, but hey, this girl's been on her own for three years and all of a sudden there's someone here to spoon food into my mouth. Just was not at all comfortable also at being called "hon" since I am after all not that and would rather it stay that way. Perhaps also realized change in myself. No longer that whiny 23/24 yo. who needs her man to do everything.
Or at least I should hope so.

A letter to George W. Bush from Michael Moore

Is it just me? Or is the whole world falling in love and getting married?
Met up with an ex classmate today, and she's getting married. Man of her dreams proposed and the wedding is set for Januarry 2004.
Ex-classmate: "It's so wonderful to finally settle down"
Mooncake:"yes it must be"
Ex-classmate: "Oh i don't know how you do it! But I live vicariously through your dating life! So exciting"
Mooncake: "absolutely" glad to be of service to the married and settling downs.

Then receive an email from another friend who met the girl of his dreams while he was off duty from his ship for 4 days. He's marrying her, as soon as this war's over and his tour of duty is done.

Am a hopeless romantic, but how do you meet someone and realize they are the person for you in just 4 days. I cannot conceptualize being dead certain about someone in just a matter of days. Just blows me away.

"oh when it happens it happens. You'll know it. It's like magic"

ok Houdini. Perform this one on me.

Finally! Someone who makes sense!

I know it's really cheesy, but I totally dig that Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock song. It's totallyl cheesy but I like it cos it's Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock. I get so amused picturing in my head the both of them singing this cheesy song about missed connections and total hook ups.

I think I just maxed out my limit on "cheesy". But it's so hella cheesy.

And I like it!

If there is one thing you can say about enemies, it is that they are more similar to each other than they are different.
Yes, Saddam is crazy but so is Bush. There is no stopping either of them as evidenced in Bush's flagrant disregard for a UN resolution and backing. If I may respectfully suggest to the War Crimes Tribunal, that both of them be tried for war crimes at the end of this war, if we see the end of this war.
Bush claims that the UN has failed to do it's job, but that does not rationally lead to the conclusion that the US is in a position to step in and play God to the lives and fates of Iraqis. Is it really suicidal for the US to wait for a UN resolution? If 30 days isn't going to make a difference, shouldn't waiting and letting the UN inspectors do their jobs be a priority?
Bush has played this war out as a "you're either with us or against us" scenario. Well, I'm with neither. There are more shades of gray in life than this black and white picture he has painted. His reasoning for war has been faulty, and his ties to corporate magnets who stand to gain from this war is just too coincidental for me to believe that he is truly being fair and objective about this war. As a good friend of mine said, that's what you get for letting an MBA run the country. Yes, this is truly what we get.
Have been reading some of the pro-war blogs lately. They all seem to say one thing, that war is a moral action. And that this moral action will beget a moral conclusion. Years and years and years of history have not proved this. If we know one thing about wars, it is that the outcome is never the way you expected it to be. No one wins, no one is vindicated, no one really gains absolution. Some pro-war blogs chide France for choosing to use it's veto powers and label them ingrates. Since Americans liberated them from the Germans, they should therefore be grateful to the US and join forces with them. Well, vive la France I say, for making a stand and thinking for itself. Vive la France, for not reminding the Americans that it was the French who liberated the US from the British and not asking that Americans pay back this debt. Other pro-war blogs claim that this is a holy war, like the one Joan of Arc fought, like the one that Angel Gabriel fought on behalf of God. It is time for Christians to liberate the Israel and the Muslim world. Well then, the 15 Saudis who flew planes into the WTC had every right to do so, since they were waging a holy war too... albeit a Muslim Holy War. If I may also add one more point, in the time of the crusades, it was the Muslims who liberated the Jews from the hands of the Christians. Maybe it's time the Jewish people paid this debt back.
One woman, in her blog, was proud of her brother and brother in law being in the army and serving their country by being in Iraq. Yes, am proud of them too. But pride is all that you can feel sitting in the comforts of your own home, watching CNN. Not the pain, not the fear, not the smell of mustard gas, or bodies on the streets,not the vision of your your peers shot dead in front of you. Wait til your brother, father, husband comes home in a body bag. Tell me, what good was war to you? If you are watching CNN tonight, and perhaps feeling really really proud of the American soldiers in Iraq, and maybe also feeling a little gung ho about the war, here are the eternal words of Wilfred Owen:

If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face
HIs hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin.
If you could hear at every jolt, the blood come gargling
From the froth corrupted lungs
Obscure as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues--
My friend you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desparate glory
The old lie,
Dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori.

There is no such thing as a just war, quick war, holy war. Wage peace, please.

would really really like weekends to last longer. It's terrible. Having just two days. Arrghh.
Am very wired now from a whole day of singing. Two choirs in a day, and then karaoke at night. That's just about enough singing for a whole week.
Midterm on Thursday did not take place because Instructor was lame. So am now stuck with two midterms when spring break is over. Shit. Or maybe Saddam will release his weapons of mass destruction like Bush says and the world will be over in seven days. That means no midterms.
hmm...

Am in my spanking new Ferragamo boots today.
Yes, that's right, you heard me, Ferragamo. That very weird, super expensive, comes only in black, worn only by old-women-who-don't-know-better brand of shoes. Only I didn't buy it and this pair is hella cute and makes me super tall. Dug it right out of my closet this morning and decided it was time to break into it. Was a gift from my super aunt a year or so ago. She thought it made her ankles look fat (I don't know how) and I didn't wear boots a year ago. Am hoping that being super tall and glamorous today will make me... um... don't know what it will make me do... but am super tall and glamorous today.

Is horrible. Have a midterm on Thursday that I cannot seem to get down to study for. Skipped choir tonight so I can study, but can't can't do it. Am very very sick of school and just want it all to end. I wish this year would fly faster, so I can graduate. And then I just want to do the normal working person thing. Although there is another half of me already looking at programs and schools elsewhere. Cannot seem to sit still.
Today, went to Sausalito to look at an apartment. Realize now that the small town thing just ain't going to work for me. Walked around the neighborhood, and all I saw was senior citizens, closed cafes and quiet streets. Decided, even before I viewed the apartment, that it had better be superb because the neighborhood left much to be desired. Apartment was ratty. Yup, that just about describes it. Were it in NYC, I would have taken it instantly, but as it is, it's located in small town Sausalito. It was tiny tiny tiny, smaller than my flat (but then again, everything is smaller than my flat), old, and dark. It had 7 ft ceilings (and my ceilings currently are 12 ft) and the place had all of 3 windows. Tiny NYC windows that look into another complex. I mean, this is small town Sausalito, with big sprawling parks and homes. Don't see why I should have to squeeze. On top of that, the building was right next to a senior citizen home. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Said thanks but no, thanks. Left feeling very good about my old old victorian flat. Yea, it's old, but it's huge. And I don't have to pay $5 to get into the city.
Ugh... ok ok.. have to get back to studying. Work work.

Weekends just always always fly by. Where this tradition of working 5 days a week and resting 2 comes from, I don't know. I mean, working for 4 days and resting 3 sound much better to me.
Weekend was:
Karaoke at Cafe Jun with friends in berkeley. Hung out at Momovelo for a bit before we went to Cafe Jun, only to discover there was a frat party going on. Arrgghhh.... to be eighteen and stupid! Watching the 18-19yo college kids made me feel so happy to be 26 and smart, and elegant, and sophisticated in the ways of the world. One does not go to a bar and yell "sake bomb" ten times over before downing a sake bomb. After 2 hours, Seiko, the owner of the bar, got sick of them and chased them out. And we had the place all to ourselves :) At the end of the night, there were 16 bottles of Asahi on the table and unforgettable performances of Bon Jovi and Guns & Roses. I had to stay sober for the drive home, so was not inclined to belt out a number. But have learned many many valuable lessons in song selection at Karaoke bars.
1) My Sharona is a definite no no
2) Frank Sinatra songs are the easiest
3) Hey Jude, is hella difficult to sing when you are drunk
4) You sing louder when you are drunk
5) You get tone deaf when you are drunk. Which is probably why you tolerate all the other off key performances.
6) One must get drunk at Karaoke bars. Is impossible to tolerate bad singing when you are not drunk.

Yes, I know already... I'm getting old.

The essence of romantic love is that wonderful beginning, after which sadness and impossibility may become the rule.
-Anita Brookner

Ashes to ashes
Last night was: 1 Gin and Tonic, 3 Rum and Cokes, 2 Tequila Shots and one sappy, I-wish-I-didn't-love-you email to Boy Last Year.
*Tsk Tsk*
Would very much like boy drama to stop. As such, will give up dating for 40 days and 40 nights. Frankly I don't think it is very long but will be delighted if it proves to be a breezer and reprieve. Am very certain that I do not have raging hormones like Josh Hartnett character, nor will I meet a boy as cute as he. There simply are none in SF. Should therefore not face the same problems.
This afternoon will walk to church to get ashes on forehead to mark the beginning of solo life. Solo for 40 days that is.

Wild Abandonment!!!
Oh yeah! Tonite is the night of wild abandonment!!!
HAPPY MARDI GRAS!
Gonna put my beads and short skirt on (let's hope it doesn't get too cold) and party out!

Am excited about March. Is my favorite time of the year. Here's my list of things to look forward to:
1) Birthday!!!
2) Sailing season begins
3) Spring!
4) Spring fashion: aka skirts, sandals and tank tops
5) Mardi Gras of course!

I have my nails painted fuschia for the occasion tonight. I can't wait!

I thought a little about Romantic Interest's reasons why our relationship could not work out, and I also thought a little about the boy last year. I came up with this:

If I may be so bold as to make a small suggestion to Romantic Interest, Boy Last Year, and all those who have found "the one" in their lives: QUIT DATING.
I mean it.
If you think that you're going to be with someone else for the longest time, if you think you can't live without that one particular person, or can't for reasons leave that person, or think you've met the magical someone whether or not you are physically together, you do not belong in the available circle. Good God, give it up. It ain't for you.
The playground rules are:
1) you are available
2) you are single
3) all of the above.
It's as simple as that. Don't come in pretending to be it, when you have "the one" in the back of your mind, "the girlfriend" you are (un)fortunately obligated to, or the love you never forgot. Just do not violate those rules because when you do, poor innocent parties get hurt. At this table, we play with an open hand, and a clean hand. We do not sneak cards in later in the game.
There is no such thing as somewhat single, a little single, a bit available, just like there is no such thing as being a little pregnant. You are either single or not.
It ain't that complicated. Just play by the damn rules.

I actually made it to work today. Wanted to call in sick. Am not sick but simply wanted to lay in bed and not do anything for another two more hours. Bedroom unfortunately is too bright and too close to the street. I hear everything... and I mean EVERYTHING on the street. Had I not lived in noise polluted cities my whole life, would probably have become a zany insomniac by now. But as it is, have super duper selective listening skills to tune out garbage trucks, muni, sirens and whatever wacko conversations I hear outside my window. This morning unfortunately was very much disturbed by light and even though I threw the comforter back over my head, could not block the sunlight out at all. And then the phone rang, much to my chagrin, and I had to answer it. Old old friend from Singapore calling to say hi. I thought I could sneak another half hour of sleep when some guy had to, just had to have an argument with his girlfriend outside my window.
This was 7:00 in the morning.
Ok, alright, I'm awake.
Finished my 20 minute pilates power workout, showered, had breakfast , organized backpack and even had luxury time to put on makeup. Am sitting at work now, wishing however, that I was back in bed. The body has left the brain behind. Absolutely, completely distracted this morning and cannot at all focus. Am very irritable, and annoyed. Took all my strength not to yell at perky office manager and took a miracle to smile and say thank you instead.
Just want to be back in bed.

Have been wondering how to post this blog. Had I done this six hours ago, or 12, would have been a completely differently blog. But as it is, I've slept, showered, bawled, had bad comfort chinese food, and a good laugh with roommate. Had debated between the "what's wrong with men?" angle, and the "Throw hands up in air and give up". Had some pretty good lines to both as a matter of fact, but somehow could not bring myself to write it because there was a nagging feeling that it would be a passing feeling. Don't know what this angle this blog will take, but here goes it goes, anyway.

In a strange foreshadowing, yesterday, I cut my thumb and was dripping blood all over the kitchen sink. And even though the rest of my body was telling me that I should be in complete pain and shock, realized after 30 seconds, that there was really, no pain. Was somewhat squeamish as that was the most blood I'd ever spewed before and the bleeding would not stop. Other than that, there really was no pain. Was patched up by roommate, who tried very hard not to look cos she thought she would pass out.

Twelve hours later, Romantic Interest and I break up. In a conversation that lasted 6 hours through the night, we decided that we were better doing the friends thing, hanging out and having fun, than the romantic thing. In the instant that I said we should be friends, and no more, I could feel my emotions kick into panic mode, the hyperventilation, the fear of regret, the resentment, the hurt and pain. But there was none. I was sad. Endings are always sad. But the wash of relief, and the tension released was overwhelmingly powerful. I'd done the right thing and it really wasn't as hard as it was before. No pain really. Instead the six hours of conversation was sprinkled with recounting stupid things we did, and crazy things we said and wondering when the hell life was going to present us both with "the one" on a silver platter no less. It was one of the most memorable moments I've had with a friend ever, laughing and crying, sharing the bittersweet moments of life.

This afternoon, I bawled my eyes out writing an email to a friend, recounting the event. It was a total self-pity cry. Could not believe all this was happening, and was ready to tell God to bugger off and leave me alone, and that I gave up. It is only March, but have already used the "let's stay friends" phrase twice. I felt so decrepit and pathetic and was certain this was payback time for having taken past relationships for granted. Was also very upset because in both situations, both persons had given me the "you're so strong, you'll get over it" phrase as well. I don't know what part of being strong implies that I don't hurt as much. I don't know what part of being strong justifies inflicting any hurt. Just don't know.

Would not really be fair to lump both situations and persons together. If I may say so, both persons are as different as night and day, and the situations were no where near the same. Romantic Interest and I, you could say, exited our relationship with grace. Other person is a boy I fell in love with last year,but he was already commited to someone else. Somehow always felt that I was handed a rose that had so many thorns, I bled just holding onto it. He came back into my life this January, but I had to let it go.

A part of me is pissed at God, but another part, the very catholic part, believes that there is some higher meaning to all this and some reason to these sad times. I just don't know it yet. Sometimes I feel this will to believe is about to break, but sometimes it's the only thing that I have to continue trudging on. Just have to sit and watch the world turn again. And maybe next time I decide to hop on the ride, maybe it'll be better.

am typing with one hand.
cut left thumb
big gash but no pain
bloody fountain when i move thumb

Had the weirdest damn dream last night...
Dreamt I was in threesome. I mean, yea, a threesome, two girls and a boy, frolicking around in bed. On a normal day, I might call this a good dream, but it was so surreal. Even when I was dreaming it, I told myself this can't be for real.l It wasn't so much what we were doing but who I was with.
The other girl is my friend P from high school, whom we've all reckoned as the spoilt brat and princess of our class. Is totally true. Comes from a very well to do family, super rich, graduated from ivy league, and is always able to find something not up to standard with everything. But she is beautiful. Long legs, curves and pouty lips. Every girl wanted to be her, if not have her body. I haven't seen P since 3 years ago and as I sat pinned against my bed, the only thing I could think of was, what the hell is she doing here? Is she insane?
The other is a boy I only briefly met and know. Can't even say I know the name, but I remember his face, and where I met him. I remember opening my eyes wide and staring at him lick P's body all over, and listening to P beckon me over to join them. Very erotic moves, but I simply could not fathom how the two of them would know each other.
Bizzare, very very bizarre, is about all I can say.