Am very pleased to find this blog: Shanghai Diaries Hence am adding it to my "I sometimes read... " section. Has very cool snippets about life in Shanghai, where my best friend K lives, and has fantastic pictures. Am most tempted to become webgeek like the author cos this blog was simply fantastic.

This is day four of pilates routine. (Can I call it a habit now? Elevate it to routine status?)
Am noticing that although abs hurt like sin on day one and two, they do not hurt now, nor, come to think of it, did they hurt yesterday. Am wondering if routine is getting too easy... which cannot be because I still cannot keep legs up at sixty degree angle for more than two minutes and do sit ups as fluidly as instructor. I'm tempted to buy new pilates videos from Amazon but then, who knows. They may end up sitting on the shelf doing absolutely nothing.
Maybe I should just get on with it and start running. oh bother!

I spent all of this morning shredding stuff from my desk. I lost one casefile and was in panic mode. Decided it was time to attempt the impossible for a pack rat like me, clear out all the stuff from desk and find at least see the wood of my desk. Which incidentally you can't cos my desk is made of some fibreglass plastic mix. But that's beside the point.
I did find my casefile, stuck between two impossible to read economic research papers. But also did find a whole stack of recipes for pastas and what nots. Ahh... those were the days, I thought...when I actually bothered to look up recipes so I could impress a boyfriend. I shredded them all away. How cathartic.
I obviously used none of the recipes since they were still in my office and not my kitchen. Which probably also explains the lack of a boyfriend these days.

Must absolutely cut hair tomorrow. Need a new look, makeover or something. Bored with the hair. Can't decide if it should go short short, or keep it long. Am looking like tarzan now... unkempt and unpretty. Plus so many split ends! Am tempted to even just cut it on my own now so it doesn't bug me.

OK, Sex and the City comes out May 20th. I cannot wait. Am very very tempted to place order on Amazon so I can get it right when it arrives. But that's kinda stupid cos I won't be in town to receive it then. Am going island hopping in my bikini. But will also kick myself in the butt when I return and find that it's back ordered for a month. This, plus Cherry Garcia, plus pink pajamas and furry bedroom slippers are the perfect antidote for a dateless rainy night... which I foresee happening for a long time to come.

Started a pilates routine on monday. Motives for starting pilates are not exactly "pure". Am really procrastinating and putting off running routine which is so much harder. But if this will let me prance ard in a tiny bikini while I'm in the islands over the summer... all the better :)
Brain is completely fucked from homework. Have nothing really good to say today.

Spent most of weekend working on stats homework. Yes, am supposed to be living the time of my life... you know, mid twenties, lots of boys, parties, booze and on top of that a job to pay for it all. It's not happening I tell you. Simply is not happening. Instead have job, school, bills, and no time for parties because have no time to be hungover. As for the boys... well, they simply are not falling fast enough from the sky. As it is, do not want many... just one. One normal, no drama relationship. This must be payback time for the first three stable normal long-term relationship worthy men whom I broke up with. Decided to play in the bad boy circuit and ended up... well, am not too worse for wear, but definitely do not want to go back there and deal with what I term "alternative love". You know, all the "I love you but... (fill in lame excuse here)..." God has a funny sense of humor.

Ok, I get it now Big Guy. I get the point.

Must say however, that have friends, super duper friends, as saving grace. They dusted the dirt off my butt, picked me up and took me shopping!

Am a happy girl today. Went to Warriors' game with good friend who had super seats courtesy of his manager. Row 4! Right behind the Warrior bench Was so close could stare right at main man Jamieson and drool over Troy Murphy. Could even see Bobby Sura's rippling muscles. If that's not cool, got to shake Gilbert Arena's hand after game!
V. v. cool.

Have just returned from happy hour with classmates. In 2 hours, have chalked up a number of friendships and places to stay when in Mexico, Thailand, Taipei and Guangdong. Have also found out that I apparently have reputation for throwing wild parties... which is simply not true, but am flattered. Have been asked to throw another one and so will do so in about a month. ... which incidentally coincides with birthday month :)
In other news... Romantic Interest seems to be losing steam, and so am I. Am not sure if it's because of conflicting schedules, or other reasons. Like I said in previous blogs, seem to be losing mojo. At this point, don't have energy to even analyze it, as I always do. Too tired from homework, happy hour, work work to even think. Must fall asleep now, since there's an 8:30am meeting.

Yup, I'm venting. Have been venting for the longest time, which is probably why I started writing this blog anyway... so I can just vent. And also so I can remind myself of the good things in life, who I am, and what I want. Hence the right hand column of this blog. Why am I venting? Why are some issues so cryptic?
Well, the answer to the 2nd question is that there are privacy issues. Ok... so I don't like some people, am pissed off by some of the things in my life... but I can't reveal any identities simply because it's privelaged. More importantly though, one should always be aware of the presentation of self to the other. As it is, I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I really truly told and revealed the depth my happiness and sorrows, it would be like cutting my heart into tiny pieces and serving it to you on a platter. Besides, if you really wanted to know, you should either be talking to me, or to Ashcroft (I'm sure he knows).
Am venting, hence blogging because of the extent of work that I have. And yet cannot live without. What an irony. Am working on a conference paper, 3 classes and working 40 hours. Had heart broken last year, hence had to piece it together. Sometimes want to cry for no reason at all, but feel that that is giving into weakness. Also know that crying over spilt milk is ... just crying. Does nothing whatsoever.
And so here I am blogging. I get to say frivolous things, think crazy possibilities, and bitch to no end. I get to exercise my id, my "possible self" and flee from my cuffed self. This is my 15 minutes of daily therapy.

My cousin taught me this mantra when I was sobbing over a boy years ago:
Anything that doesn't kill you is only going to make you stronger.

ahh... time to chant that now.

am not dead from school work
am not dead from work work
am not dead from ex-boyfriend's drama
am not dead from north korean missiles
am not dead from flu
am not dead from pesticide coated vegetables
am not dead from new york city water

therefore must be stronger than ever :)
may even have mutant powers like daredevil especially after drinking new york city water.

Have been considering getting a dog or a cat, even though I live in a no-pets building and my landlady lives downstairs of me. Have even gone as far as to look for new housing so that I can get a dog, but realized that this would cost much more money than I really have. So now am considering ways and means to twist arm (metaphorically speaking of course) of landlady to let me get cat. I have mice in the apartment. I think that's reasonable. We've put all sorts of mouse traps over the last year and that has yielded nothing. I have, on the other hand, tossed out, thrown away bags and bags of flour and rice, after finding out that the mice have gnawed into the bottoms of these bags. I have also paid lots of money to tupperware already, purchasing not only stock but also lots and lots of different types of tupperwares so I can safely keep my flour and rice away from those stupid mice. I think those are good reasons to have a cat.
My real reason for having a cat or a dog however, is so someone will lick my face, cuddle me, and greet me whenever I get home.

Happy roses-are-super-expensive, too-much-chocolate, overcharging restaurants' day.

I have my nails painted, hair done and cute dress all ready to indulge in this commercial day of love. Intend to make men look away from their dates, women jealous and traffic stop.

Oh it's so good to be a woman :)

They say that denial is a bad thing and that if one were cured of all hangups, and had no more emotional baggage, one would be able to face reality and deal with the truth.
I beg to differ.
Some things your head and your heart simply cannot deal with. You know what I mean. You just can't deal with it. You don't lunge head first into the pain, or you don't make yourself feel even more pain. You just rationally wouldn't even do it. So why should emotions be any different? I choose to suppress all memories, all feelings, any nostalgic what ifs. I rationally choose to place myself in denial.
Feel nauseated at self, at my lack of strength, my multiple flaws, my inability to walk away.
Cannot, am not, and will not give in to this. WIll accept any mode or form or advice for denial.

Whenever I decide to cut my hair, it always decides to behave and look super fantastic... Almost like it doesn't want to be cut. Today hair is perfect. It is smooth, shiny, just a tad wavy and looking very very superstar like, despite the fact that I did not do anything special. On top of that, it has survived some amount of rainfall on it as I was running from garage to office. Still looking beautiful.
Have been told by numerous people, including Romantic Interest, over past few weeks when contemplating whether to get hair cut or not, that I have beautiful hair.
So maybe this is a sign.

Great Blog... An American in Iraq

Am attending, tomorrow, BRL's Anti-Valentine's day, except this year, the head honcho of BRL, aka Voodoo Child is attached and alas did not pay attention to very depressing day of the year for single people, known otherwise as Valentine's day. I am of course partly to be blamed as well because am wrapped up, knee deep in Romantic Interest, who shall remain anonymous, but will defiantly say to you that I am still on the market only because Romantic Interest has not maid the ultimate commitment, put down deposit, come up with firm offer. You know me... I need a firm offer. Other things need to be firm too, but the offer is most important. And then I will decide to accept or decline.
This year, the Anti-Valentine's day party is known as Unhappy Hour. Not Happy Hour, but Unhappy Hour, which I must declare is a better name. Who else goes to happy hour but single people who are unhappy with going home and unhappy with work that they need that hour to bitch about the sad passing of their lives at that moment? So, rightfully so, tomorrow's Unhappy Hour is aptly titled, for we will all, single people, unite and bitch about the lack of dates and bitter disappointments in the game of love. And not forget to gloat over the choices that we have... compared to those in unhappy sad relationships... people who have no choices.
Friday night, am attending super wise Grace's birthday and Lonely Heart's Club party. Instead of handing over paycheck to nasty restaurants and clubs on Valentine's day, will instead cook up a storm to celebrate SW Grace's birthday in honor of her grand wisdom and wit. SW Grace has made it a point to invite all who for some reason cannot participate in V-day activities to her birthday, which I think is super nice.

I don't know which is harder. Living without or letting go.

Probably letting go. Cos you know the imminent future of having to live without.

The anxiety of the future. Which will come to pass sooner than you think and less painful than you imagined it to be.

I got a headache yesterday reading Colin Powell's speech. If his strategy was to overwhelm the public and the Security Council, well, he certainly did his job right. I am overwhelmed and I got a headache because of it. But I am not moved by any means. I feel very very ambiguous about it. I've had strong feelings about this, but if you've been reading this blog, you will have noticed that I'm in a state of losing mojo. I mean seriously. I almost feel like I have to have an opinion for the sake of having an opinion. I'm writing to save my own creativity, even though I'll be the first to admit, I've not been remotely close to being creative the past month and a half or so. Or maybe it's my nascent Asian upbringing. You know, the I don't really care unless it blows up in front of my face, and even if it did, it was all destiny and fate anyway. I don't care already. I really don't. I don't want to care, I don't want to hear about it. Just do whatever you have to do. The passion that was there before, the good intentions... simply slipping away and morphing into disdain.

My good friend G says that being in love has everything to do with luck and nothing to do with the person. It is not personality, not character, not good looks or physique but pure plain luck. Whether he loves you or not, wants to be with you or not, is dependent on plain luck. If you willl, it's like trying to flip two coins and landing heads at the same time. You can't really predict it and it must happen simultaneously. With two coins and a probability of landing heads for each is half, you actually have a .25 chance of landing it heads simultaneously. Those are pretty good odds, except when it comes to falling in love, it's like trying to flip 100 coins and landing all heads simultaneously.
All this now means that the odds of me meeting "the one" are statistically insignificant. Just an erroneous random variable. That's depressing.
Every time I end a relationship, I say to myself that I will not let that erode my ideals, and beliefs of what love should be like. Not very easy to do, but I've hung on to them, and moved on from relationships that were less than satisfactory. But now... Now I have a theory to back up why the elusive "one" is so hard to find. Because even if all 99 coins are heads, that very last tail just ruins it all and you must begin all over again.

ok.... this is stupid.
blogged and then erased unworthy blog.
Came up with a good one and then it mysteriously disappears. Must mean that the blogger gods are unhappy with deleting blogs. Pooey to you!

I went to sleep at 9 last night. Was completely exhausted for some reason and just passed out on my bed. Woke up this morning with dreams of old days in Girl Guides and high school. Even dreamt of one of the younger girls who used to ride the bus with me. Very strannge dream indeed.
Woke up really early too, but could not bring myself to go to the gym despite the fact that I'm feeling fat and probably will be fat very soon if I do not go. Just have no motivation whatsoever to do it.

blog deleted

can't blog today.
already erased 3 unworthy blogs. It's just one of those days.