Is it at all possible to run out of steam and not want to do anything anymore. I'm an about one inch away from that state of mind, that is if it is at all possible to quantify a state of mind.
Although I'm not sure I'm displeased with this blahness. I'm feeling whatever about having no drama now. If you've been to anywhere in Asia and seen those old men smoking their joints while waiting for tourists to ride their rickshaws, that just about sums up what I feel . Blah. Whatever. Who cares.
I'm not unhaapy, and I'm not happy.
What we call in economics, in a state of equilibrium.

on a secondary note, am wondering if it is possible to be too nice and laugh too much. Will not say who I'm talking about, but I have a live one here that may disturb equilibrium state.

Top Ten Lame Excuses of the Year
10) The work's better there
9) These other people have come through for me before
8)I live my life as a nomad
7) I'm still in flux
6) It's not you it's me
5) We're just getting to know each other
4) I'm not that kind of guy who gets hitched in 2 weeks
3) They don't know about you
2) She and I have known each other for so long
1) I'm in love with two women

What Women Want

We want respect, friendship, great sex,
We want you to call
We want you to want to open the door for us
We want to unlock the door for you
We want to sit in your lap and feel you rubbing our back
We want you not to make a big deal out of it if we lose ourselves in you and sleep with you on the first date
We want you to do everything in the world to please us in bed, not just treat us like your fuck machine
We want you to offer to pick up the check if times are rough on us
We want you to not judge us if we're not at our best on a particular day
We want you to have your space
We want to raise your children
We want to stay faithful to you
We want monogamy
We want you to look at us as something precious, not something that "happened" to you
We want to be complimented on how we smell, how we look, how we taste
We want you to baby us sometimes
We want flowers sometimes
We want you to be excited when we walk into a room
We want to look good for you always
We want you to understand the effort we make and the lengths we go to get you to notice us
We want you to say our name as we sleep
We want to watch you sleep
We want you to know that we feel protected and safe with you
We want commitment, marriage, to grow old and
We want you to know that we forgive your infidelities faster than you forgive ours
We want the ups and downs the good and bad times, so that in the end we know that
We wanted the same thing

somehow am finding less and less to blog about. Maybe life is getting uninteresting, or maybe don't have so much angst and drama in life. Last year was dating someone who had a girlfriend. Much drama expected out of there of course. This year seems to be quieting down. Do not have as much angst, or maybe cannot be bothered anymore. Life must go on as they say.
Did not say much about relationship in the last 6 months of blogging. I said a bit but then realized that I felt tired of repeating myself in writing. Mostly blogged to keep my brains from thinking and agonizing much over relationship. Bad relationship has also been reason for over-extending myself in school and classes. Really do not need another degree in Economics, but want it anyway. Makes me feel better... in fact felt superior to other girlfriend whom I imagined to be more beautiful, smarter, virtuous, less demanding etc. For whatever it was worth, I am getting a degree out of that dysfunctional relationship, which is better than what most people get out of dysfunctional relationships.

The Kafka method to breaking up

Sign of the times:

I am addicted to my cell phone. Lost it for one afternoon and was grumpy, tripping, out of it, insanely axious, immobilized and trapped.

I found it again and was instantly relieved.... even though no one called me.

Ahh the old flame. The Big Aiyah had a posting about that recently.

I no longer write for The Big Aiyah, if you haven't already noticed. Although that doesn't mean I don't think about Aiyah issues. The seemingly eternal quest to find that one person, understanding oneself, finding joy (or not) in being alone, because when you are alone, your senses heighten, and all that is right or wrong, painful or joyful, happy or sad takes on an exaggerated, accented, compounded meaning. The silence that was there before is deafening, you become aware of being alone and the one demon that you've never dealt with suddenly demands that you deal with him/her now. That demon is you.

In escaping, you inevitably try to fill the gaps. That other person that used to be or who will become suddenly steps into the void and you cling onto the hope that the arrival of prince charming or return of princess beautiful will somehow save you from your misery. If religion is the opium of the people then love is the opium of pathology. Love becomes the theory of everything, the be all and end all.

Yesterday made the yummiest, most garlicky and delectable shrimp dish. I could start liking this cooking thing. Sauteed shrimp in garlic and herb butter which I made and added basil and artichoke cream sauce. hmmm... heaven.

Am in fact prepping for a seafood party in the month of february. ooh.. this will be a delicious month to try out recipes.

Ow ow ow ow ow...
it sucks to be a girl... ow ow...
My horrendous, horrific, belly wrenching, back aching, wet and bloody time of the month is here.

Ow ow ow.

And it has to take place on during one of the coldest, chilliest spells of the year... You know those old wives tales, that one shouldn't work or go out during this time of the month? Well, I'm going to march right over to HR now and demand that it should be. I mean, men don't have to work through this pain once a month, and I'm sure if they experienced such pain and discomfort, they would take the day off too.

Here's to fair and equitable treatment of women.

PS: Note, am not a feminist, am not a campaigner of EQUAL rights for women. Am campaigning for EQUITABLE rights for women... like more toilet cubicles in women's bathrooms than men.

Haven't felt like writing the last couple of days, so apologies for the lag.

Have been rather caught up in church politics lately. Rather an oxymoron. The last place I expected to deal with personal politics is in the church. My church is in the red and anytime money runs out, politics steps in and creates a mess. Not that I think I have the solution to the problem. I'd bail the church out if I could but I'm unfortunately too poor to do that.

I honestly don't want to get involved with church committees. I'm selfish that way, but somehow feel I did my time years ago when I headed a bunch of committees in school and church and am in semi retirement right now. If you believe in callings however, I think I just heard one. I am debating taking one class less this semester, or taking another class so I can free myself on thursday nights for church. Rather a tough call because I want to graduate this December.

What did I do last night to feel better? I did what every girl would do. Play dress-up.
Took everything out of my closet and tried to re-mix and re-match everything so that I could come out with something new. Ahh... what a rejuvenating experience indeed. I also discovered that I own 7 black skirts of various designs, 1 pair of black jeans, 3 black pants, 1 pair of leather pants, 2 pairs of curdoroys, 3 pairs of blue jeans, 3 pairs of khaki- colored pants, 38 pairs of shoes, 4 long winter coats, 2 short, 2 raincoats, 1 fleece jacket, 4 drawers full of sweaters (I didn't bother to count), 1 Derek Jeter baseball jersey, 1 paul o-neil yankee t-shirt, 14 skirts of various other colors and designs, 15 shirts that need to be ironed, 1 drawer full of pyjamas, countless t-shirts and sweats, 8 dresses, 1 cheongsam, and another 3 drawers-full of t-shirts and blouses that I didn't bother to count.
So technically speaking, if I had enough underwear to last, given all the permutations and combinations, I could very possibly go 6 months without repeating an outfit or doing laundry.
Wow.

Am listening to Patsy Cline's greatest hits.

Am very very bothered that I know all the lyrics to all her songs and can sing along.

Am very surprised that I'm not suicidal yet after listening to her.

I must confess that blogging is at times therapeutic. And hopefully this will be one of them. In cases where you can't spill your guts to your best friend, or significant other. You do it anonymously, schlepp it on the web for everyone to see. My mother used to tell me that one should not hang dirty laundry out for everyone to see. But if no one knows who the dirty laundry belongs to, then what does it really matter?
But today, today... I just can't. There's just so much going on in my head now that I don't even know where to begin. At times I don't even feel like I want to begin. Too much to sort out. Wish I could simply box things up and put them in storage. To be viewed later. Maybe never.
And the weather is playing to my mood. Gloomy, foggy, wet. Perfect for moping. I think I want to go running. I know I'll feel better. Forget the cold too.

Am completely congested. Hacking away like I have whooping cough. Wouldn't be so bad if I were so very very sick that I can't go to work. As it is, am on the threshold. Don't feel well, but isn't bad enough to be excused from work. Besides, have a lot of work to do. Shittums.
Went to hear the 4pm choir sing today. Very nice indeed. Pretty jazz and pop tunes; nice change from old traditional Catholic music.
Am sad that the Jets lost. But would be interesting to watch a raider/bucanneer final. Have a feeling it's gruden's year, but wish he was still with raiders than other team. Otherwise will prepare to go shopping on superbowl day. hehehe... while the men are all stuck in front of the tv.

Have made some minor revisions to blog.
Thought that old descriptor was too verbose so cut it down. It's still long, but is less long winded. This is the new me. Trying not to be so verbose. Also added a things to do list for this year 2003. Will hopefully soon add "things I have done" list... if all goes well. Maybe will finally beat Procrastination.

Saw this commercial on TV today. It's the one about Kelloggs Energy bar or something. It shows this woman ordering cinnamon buns and then says we all know where your breakfast goes, then shows woman walking out of store with her butt turned into two cinnamon buns.

Very effective ad. Almost certainly felt like my dinner instantly and appetite simply ceased. ( Was having spaghetti and meatballs at that time).

Have to repeat in head * I am not made out of spaghetti and meatballs *

I think we will see a rise in anneroxic females on diet of energy bars.

So this is what happens when the network goes down and you can't get online and you're stuck at the office with really not much to do. You convince yourself you need the internet and email because all your work is there and that you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO CHECK EMAIL BECAUSE OF EVERYTHING IMPORTANT THERE.

Of course when you get back online, you find that you only have:

3 emails... one junk, two silly replies from friends. *Gasp*

If that's all that I'm getting a day, why then do I feel so paralyzed without being online?

This is day five in the trenches.
Sick sick with the cold still. Thought I nicked it in the bud, but it resurfaced to take me down. I did however get to sleep in today. Until 1:30pm!!!
I can't remember the last time I did that! That just about says something about the way I live.

Everything is annoying when you have a cold. I looked all around my bedroom today, and to my despair realized that I still live like a student. I mean, papers, work, exams and stupid textbooks I cannot bear to part with (probably out of fear that someone will ask me something about it). Of course we now add to the mess: bills and stupid investment reports from my 401K plan, which I never read.

Am attempting to rectify problem now, by playing old people music (ie: Sinatra), burn candles (in sorry attempt to make room look like showroom in Pottery Barn), and stuffing old textbooks under bed. Left intelligent looking ones like the Bible and Foucault sitting strategically on shelf. Have been told that I should probably get rid of Derek Jeter autobiography, so if you want it, you can have it. I do have a bobblehead now, so that should be a good replacement.

My sheets and pillowcases do not match, but there's nothing I can do about that now. There's only so much a girl can do, especially when she's sick. That was a lot of work!

L'oiseau que tu croyais surprendre
Battit de l'aile et s'envola.
L'amour est loin, tu peux l'attendre;
Tu ne l'attends plus, il est l�!
Tout autour de toi, vite, vite,
Il vient, s'en va, puis il revient.
Tu crois le tenir, il t'�vite;
Tu crois l'�viter; il te tient.

Home in SF finally. Am very very sick. Caught a cold. Kleenex all over. Killing my body with sudafed. Apartment is a mess.
Sang at 9am mass today. Nasally voice: Sound like Fran Fine in the Nanny. Was supposed to sing for 4pm mass as well, but fell asleep during rehearsal. (yes, I know.. very very bad of me). Nice choir mates left me on couch and woke me after mass. Probably because I sounded like Fran Fine when singing.

Hey you,
yes you. I wonder where you are or what you are doing now. You seem so far away, and I cannot fathom your presence at times. And yet you are ever present in my thoughts as I wonder all these things about you. Are you here now? What are you thinking as you read this? I will never know.
Do you love me? Do you think I love you?
I am insecure. I want to know all these things, almost as if knowledge will comfort my fears. Will it?
Do you know me? How can you know me when I don't even know myself. I cannot even begin to seek my real self.
And yet I know I want to be with you.
I feel like a moth drawn to its fiery death. Or so they say. Maybe it sees something we don't. Fiery ecstacy, eternal bliss, a resolution.
What do I see? Just you in the distant view.

Am returning to San Francisco tomorrow. Thank God. The last two days have been miserable. I made my self miserable, and felt miserable for making others feel miserable around me.
My new year resolutions:
1) Write letters to grandmother
2) Save more money
3) Buy fewer clothes (truly my closet will not tolerate another shopping spree).
4) Run.
5) Pray

Hope your new year's was fantastic.