Tuesday, December 31, 2002

And so the new year begins with terrible horrible thoughts.

Am scared out of my wits that I will be denied a visa back. Not a very good beginning to the new year. But hopefully, all will be well in 24 hours. I will know my fate in 24 hours. I don't know which is worse. Hearing bad news, or hearing no news.

From stuffing myself silly, I cannot even bear to eat now. Very very very stressed.

This has been a really really strange year. Just want 2003 to behave in calm manner... Sorry we are getting off on the wrong foot, but will you please see to it that the rest of the year is ok? No more drama in 2003 ok? No more.

And please please get me back to SF.
Thank you.

Monday, December 30, 2002

I am a sitting duck. At least for the next 24 hours. Honestly would feel bad about praying for paperwork to come throuh so I can return to rainy foggy san francisco.
Comments that father makes are of no help.
Am at mercy of big bad bureaucracy. Don't know what the stakes or odds are, which is worse than knowing and risking everything.

Tummy does not feel very good from all the food I've eaten but think it's also symptomatic of the stress that I am under. Crossing fingers and toes that paperwork will come through tomorrow afternoon so I can be off on new year's day.

By the way, did not buy swimsuit. The weather turned bad as i predicted accurately.

Saturday, December 28, 2002

Am contemplating buying another swimsuit. Weather just turned hot and sunny again. Forgot to bring mine. But am almost sure that cosmic forces will turn weather around as soon as I plonk the money down one. hmmmmm.... Maybe should just hang out in tank top and shorts to cover all the weight I probably put on from eating too much.

But I won't see the sun again for another 6 months...

decisions decisions.

Feeling kinda gross today. Ate too much over the holidays. Yesterday was yet another food fest. Dinner at a seafood restaurant. Crabs, scallops, fish...
Food overload.

Friday, December 27, 2002

it's SO HOTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
ARrrgghhhhHHhhHhhhhHH

Oh! Nothing fills the stomach and heart more than chocolate therapy.
Just returned home from a scrumptous Chocolate Buffet. Yes, I said CHOCOLATE BUFFET. All the chocolate, chocolate desserts, chocolate drinks that you can imagine.
I'm not sure if I'm satisfied or sick to the stomach now. I just consumed three hours worth of chocolate. What does that mean? It means three hours of non stop consumption of chocolate.
Which probably translates to 6 hours on the treadmill or not fitting into size 4 pants sooner or later.
Sinful, does not even begin to describe the experience.
Dreadfully rich and thick and smooth chocolate foods.

Thursday, December 26, 2002

Brain: you know it's completely dysfunctional.
Heart: can you have a little more faith? Whatever happened to trust?
Brain: yes, whatever happened to trust?
Heart: Oh be quiet. What do you know?
Brain: What the eyes do not see, ears do not hear, the heart does not feel. But the brain knows.
Heart: Intellect isn't everything.
Brain: neither is blind faith.

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

Christmas Day :)
I started out the day at 4:30am. Once again the result of jet lag. I was rather productive however. Did manage to convince my lazy body to ride a bicycle to the beach. To my amazement, the beach was crowded! There were tents on the beach and along the jetty, dotting the scenery with spots of orange, blue and yellow. For a small city island, people sure have found a way to get in touch with nature.
I wanted the experience to be spiritual, soulful, meaningful. It is after all christmas morning. But somehow, it's rather difficult to think in the midst of a crowded beach. As languid and relaxed as I wanted to feel, it just wasn't going to be so.

Monday, December 23, 2002

Feeling very very blue. Probably because of the rainy tropical weather and then unusual amount of blues and jazz I have been listening to. Also feel somewhat weary and worn down by the many many relatives I have seen. Not unhappy, just blue.
Jet lag has also been wearing me down. Am awake usually at 3am because I cannot sleep. Mr. Sandman however puts me to bed at 7pm. This is possible explanation for blues.

Friday, December 20, 2002

Am home finally. It is approximately 3am here, Saturday morning. Feels weird being so wired in the midlle of the night. The plane ride was horrible. I could not sleep nor could I eat. Tried reading and just listening to some music, but found myself getting increasingly annoyed with being stuck in a teeny tiny corner. Claustrophobia I suppose.
I did however see Lilo and Stitch while trying to amuse myself. Not bad, to be honest and it made me cry too. The best thing about animation is that there are no limits to the plot. Stitch is some animal/ machine from some galactic planet somewhere and Lilo's social worker turns out to be an ex CIA agent who used to work on Roswell. It was so ridiculous and out of this world that only Disney could pull that off, and they did.
I had dreams of Hobbits and dark horses when I did manage to fall asleep on the second leg of the trip. Yes, I am reading Lord of the Rings. I haven't attempted to read sci-fi or fantasy since I was twelve. I suppose 26 is a good time to start again. Must be very patient when reading fantasy cos every detail counts. I am a speed reader generally speaking. I've been doing that ever since I have been bombarded with reading multiple books a week since college. So Tolkien is really a challenge for me. To enjoy the details and savor the nitty gritties so to speak, rather than flying through the pages.
Home is wonderful with all the christmas decorations. There was a package awaiting my arrival. My second christmas gift turned out to be a beautiful cashmere pashmina. This is rather nice. In fact, very very nice indeed. Thank you pups :) You know who you are. Love you much.

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

am going home tomorrow.
For some reason, don't really want to leave SF. Somehow will miss being here, not seeing my choir perform. Have many many errands to run and if not going home tomorrow, will be able to run them all some other day other than today.
Voodoo burned me a bunch of CDs that I am listening to now. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and just want to lay on the couch and see Muni pass by.

And my first Christmas present isssssssssss:

A DEREK JETER BOBBLEHEAD!!!!!!

what a wonderful christmas this is turning out to be.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

I think I'm starting to like San Francisco. Somehow realizing that I've been here for longer in my years as a 20 something than anywhere else. Next year marks year 4 in California and year 3 in SF.
At reconciliation mass yesterday, realized the community that I have just right in my neighborhood. Church folks whom I love and know. Neighbors whose names I don't know but always say hi and hello at laundromat and coffee store, students who see and greet me at the local Albertsons and friends just round the corner. I have become a familiar face.
Wow.
I still want to go places to see the world. But it's getting increasingly harder to give this community up.

I got three candy bars from my secret santa :) Apparently there's a nice gift waiting for me this afternoon too!!! Woohoo... my first christmas gift.
I can't wait to go home, and get more gifts!
I'm a christmas baby. I love christmas. Something about the air that makes you do a hop, skip and smile all the way as you sing silly carols in your head.
It's christmas baking tonite. Cookies galore :) Am making Cranberry Ginger shortbread cookies. Yummy.

Monday, December 16, 2002

It's monday, don't really want to be here.
Lack of music in the office to motivate me. Christmas is coming. Can't wait. Want to be by my pool again in 90 degree weather singing christmas songs. I wrote 3 christmas cards... pathetic I know. But don't want to write so many cos find myself sounding very insincere by the time I write the 5th card. 3 is about right.

Am playing secret santa at work right now. How issit that I always end up giving but never receiving? Where's my secret santa???

Bad bad karma.

Tonight is the reconciliation service. Time for a confession but am not sure that 15 mins with priest will do it. Will be singing at least at the service.

I think God heard me when I said I wanted a big huge storm and that the SF weather was way too boring for me.

I am a regular drama queen... and I need all my blizzards and storms and typhoons.

Literally and metaphorically speaking.

Somehow can never seem to sit still and I can feel another big metaphorical storm brewing soon. And of course I'm steering myself right into it. Just like those folks on that ship in the movie Perfect Storm. Right into the EYE.

This is all very cryptic I know.. but that's the way storms are. All mysterious and so much cloud.

But God is listening. I know he is.

Friday, December 13, 2002

Oh and by the way, I've run out of socks and tights...

So am at work today wearing bright blue socks, when we're supposed to wear only black...

WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!

Can you tell? I'm in a horrible mood today. Very Very Very grumpy.
Ruminating over everything that will be wrong with the holidays.
1) no boyfriend to smooch on christmas
2) no boyfriend to smooch on new years..
3) no boyfriend to smooch on valentine's
4) I'll be 27 soon.... ARRRGGGHHHHHH... it doesn't get any better
5)I have no time to shop
6) I have no money to shop
7) There's nothing to buy in the stores other than my boots, which I'm sure, by the time I manage to set foot into BR, it'll all be sold out
8) too much candy,and I'll be overweight soon.

... it's raining cats and dogs out here. We're supposed to get a typhoon today. You know, the storms we get here in SF, are nothing less than a minor rain storm in New York.
SF drones... flatliner.. nothing really ever too serious... other than that 89 earthquake which I wasn't here for... the weather never changes and even when it does, it isn't drastic enough. Where's my snow, where's my thunder and lightning, where's that wind that will just whip your umbrella away and render it useless?
Arrrgghh....

And after waiting a whole night for a phone call, I'm super grumpy...
very very grumpy

Thursday, December 12, 2002

My friend M thinks that all the women he is surrounded by, including yours truly, are dysfunctional. To which I was going to retort not, but then thinking a micro second about it, I'm not sure that he's too far wrong. M's girlfriend is probably the least dysfunctional of us all. She is so rational, it's dysfunctional, but that's her only fault. Other than that she's perfect. M's ex-girlfriend is DEFINITELY dysfunctional, since she hasn't been able to decide after 2 whole years whether she wants to be M's girlfriend or her other boyfriend's girlfriend. M's roommate W is not very dysfunctional since I don't really knwo her all that well. Overall impressions point to some amount of normality with certain degrees of dysfunctionality, such as being able to drink more than 3 bottles of Micks before noon. Yours truly, having ruminated about this for a few days, can't decide if she's normal or dysfunctional. But have noticed that dysfunctionality is such a wonderful way to couch and excuse all bad decisions.

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

today i took the most humiliating exam of my life.
it was three hours of hell. 10 problems. 2 were absolute goners, the others are all dependent on partial credit.
very very humbling experience.... never to be repeated i hope

Why I chose to study liberal arts in the US

There's no worse feeling than walking into a final knowing you're going to bomb it.

Other than maybe breaking up or getting dumped.

This just about ranks up there.

Monday, December 09, 2002

Weekend spent:
1) proctoring exams on saturday
2) 2 problem sets on Saturday
3) house party on saturday
4) Church on sunday. There is a new tenor/ conductor for choir. V. v. cute V. v. gay also unfortunately
5) Dimsum cos I didn't feel like studying on sunday
6) Looking for study group in library cos I did not read email that said: meet in rm 209 hence did not study in evening like I promised to.
7) Sleeping at 9:30pm on sunday

crash and burn.

Thursday, December 05, 2002

A friend of mine sent it to me September 13th 2001. I believe he wrote it and will credit it to his name until I find out otherwise. It's pretty heavy reading and very strongly opinionated, but definite food for thought this Christmas. Yes, one could indulge in the material aspects of christmas, all that gift giving and buying. It is definite reprieve from reality and what Christmas should surely mean in such troubled times. However, in very Catholic and Jesuit tradition, one must learn to doubt, to questionselves and to critique our tradition, heritage and beliefs. Even more so this Christmas.

Whether you agree or disagree with the writer, I ask that you respect his thoughts and understand that this posting is meant to invoke your reflections on the Judeo-Christian traditions that we have come to embrace during this time of year. Perhaps you wish to question this tradition, or ask why or how we have somehow come to be so polarized and isolated from our fellow muslim brothers and sisters. Or perhaps this speaks precisely to your beliefs and helps you understand your own faith better. I will post my thoughts on this article as soon as I can gather it into a cogent idea. I invite you to email me or post comments if you wish.

Peace and love to you all. ~mooncake

____________________________________

Thoughts on September 11, 2001
by JL

This morning, when i was having my breakfast, my half boiled egg
exploded in my face, an incident all 27 years of my life i've never encountered b4,as if it was a stark reminder of what has happened, and may happen next.

Considering the entire outlook of things, the leadership ability needed to lift humankind out of this universal suffering will be borne by mortals who so far have even failed to understand the enormity and the extent of such a situation. How can we put our collective faith in the man who is the leader of the free world who, in the first few moments of the attacks, was busy dodging attacks on himself from such nefarious and evil acts by the terrorists? How can we look at this whole matter when we ourselves are merely putting on a reactionary front, trying to counteract anything and everything these fundamentalists will throw in our path?

This is not a personal attack on the failings of the bush admin. But we all miss the point when bush declares the acts of terrorists cowardly, when he has to be brought to Nebraska because of the fear of the safety of air force one, or that Cheney has to move to camp david for the very same reason.

Instead, there is a fundamental problem lying beneath the obvious
veneer of reactionary anger, fury and hatred.

The world economy value system which we have so believed in and cherished, which has brought us a golden age of technological excellence, is but an implement designed to bring the world closer together, in a safe and peaceable environment where every nation can partake in the peace and the wealth.

This value system, ironically, holds no grounds for belief in the
faith and belief system of a fundamentalist. on the contrary, it is this very same system, of mercantilism, of pan-western democratic capitalism, that rogue elements devoid of nation-state nationalities can delight in causing the destruction of the entire world.

They would have observed the strikes, the demonstrations, in seattle,
In Durban, in any place imaginable where capitalism and americanism have reared its form. We can take away curbside check-ins and steak knives on board airplanes, but how do we dispel the hate and the value system underlying the operable mindframe of a fundamentalist who sincerely believes in the reward of a heaven from the invocation of a jihad? Which is a more appropriately frenetic invocation? Can article 5 mean anything in the eyes of a man who sees only the force of god, first to wreak their wrath on the infidels, then to save the afterlife of the agent?

If such an economic-interdependent value system, which served us so well after the post-ruins of the 2 world wars, have indeed appeared outmoded to build a foundation of peace and stability, is there something else we can all collectively, or individually do, to recreate the foundation? The more we hold steadfast in the belief that world banks and bourses can survive such an attack, the more fundamentalist zealots have the justification that what they have done and will do is mightily right in the eyes of their god, and their leaders.

The times have changed and a new world order must be erected. No more can we rely on an integrated economic community from protecting us against the evil and malice of a rogue element that holds no leanings on nationality, or economic interdependence. This time, it is not New York or America that is under attack.

A new revolution has been set in place, and until we find a new and
radical currency to arm ourselves from these agents of terror, we lose all forms of capital needful to build a soulful society, and will only resort in reactionary thuggery against a manifestation which is exactly and deliberately rational and purposive. we lose, more than just our markets and bodies. We lose our souls and senses.

There is a perennial question which man can only fathom and never grasp: how do we effect a security policy against an agent hellbent on
sui-genocide? When the weapons of choice are not bombs, or rifles, but the enpoisioned fury of a disengaged mind? if the guy sitting across u just wants to kill u and everyone in the building so bad becoz he has an ingrained understanding that god is waiting for him on the other side the plane of existence?

When people become armed with an ideologically displaced understanding
that our enlightenment-judeo-christian system is holisitcally and entirely cleavaged, dislodged, and bipolarized from, security means absolutely nothing anymore.

U can�t deter this, u can�t prevent this, u cant pre-empt this.

Worst of all, u cant kill them.

Our reactionary strikes like conventional warfare, clinical strikes,
carpet-bombing, economic sanctions mean nothing.
one united stand from nato, from security council - nada.

Kamikaze Japanese bombers sacrificed their lives for their emperor.
this time round, there is no sacrifice. The only thing they wanted to
do was praise god and be with him.

For us, we walk in His path, sing His praises, show our empathy and compassion. In the extremist moslem school, "it is not right to kill
innocent people." Unfortunately for humanity, if your not moslem, your not innocent.

If al-q'aeda were next to u rite now, your dead in 2 seconds.

Is this the way God will hear us make an impassioned plea for Him?
Long have we thought Gods second coming comes in the face of debauch.
We have long pleasured ourselves in material sin, but here, there is a fundamentally different form of evil.

We can�t fight this without God. It is an ideological war grounded in faith, and if we don�t see it this instant, you�ve already been dead for as long as u lived.







For Christmas I would like:

1) Boots from Banana Republic
and
2) Bad boy date to go along with boots.

I think Santa can manage that.
yummy

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

ok... take home exam not as difficult as purported to be. But still have some ???.
Off the top of my head I can do 3 out of 6. Looking at books, can do 5 out of 6. Maybe will not die of heart attack after all. Relaxation is key cos I need to be calm when differentiating string of equation that is three lines long.

Got an email from aunt this morning. She writes, "I guess if perfect boy comes at right time you might grab him!In my twenties i wanted
the super cool and cute guy that drives a convertible and i wanted him to have a little bad boy in him too! Guess in my thirties i was more pragmatic and realized that bad boys dont always deliver on their promises".

Feel like am buying car. Maybe in my thirties perfect man will come with convertible, or have bad boy model that actually delivers on his promise.
Maybe even come with lifetime guarantee.

Nice.

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

Had heart attack when I saw my take home final today.

Am questioning motivation for getting degree...
1) distraction from boys
2) potential earning capacity
3) save the world
4) quest for knowledge

Not sure any of this is worth a coronary or aneurysm (did i spell this right?)