I have a poem stuck in my head right now.

Wrote out half of it on paper, but it isn't ready yet. It's kinda personal... but maybe i'll post it.
I think it looks cheesy right now though... but I attribute this to the influence of cheesy song writers in my life.

PMS and poetry go very well together... somehow the hormones just seem to trigger some uncanny ability to write.

I think I'm going to fall over in laughter.
Look at what these people are naming their kids!!!

Bad Baby Names

For the record, I will not name my kid Dakota, Madison, Mackenzie or after some town in the midwest. Or anything that ends with -lee, -lyn, -la, -ler....
Oh and I promise to spell their names right too!

What's wrong with these people???
My to-be husband has a thing for "unique" names. He likes names such as "Veto" and "Enobi". I like what I call "cool" names. Then names such as "Kiki" and "Jack". We were having dissagrements with baby names till I smacked him upside the head and phrohibid him from naming my children.
==> Let's hope Veto does not grow up to be president...

My fiance and myself have names already picked out. For a boy we like- Clayton Nathaniel... Payson Alexander... or Jaylen Alexander
and for a girl we like... EmmaLee Jade... Jaylee Morghan... Shyler Madison...Laken Makai
==> oh lord...

I've suggested to my sister that she name her little girl to be - Manchester. She's not sure about it but she's considering. What do you think?
==>Clever. Like being named Pittsburg or Schenectady. Kid'll grow up to be beaten to death by Liverpool fans.

For a girl Tierrainney Mackanzie Jackson
==> as in tyranny?

PS: I got the link from NYCTales

i think i've eaten more pumpkin pie than necessary, not to mention candy too.
Something about this time of year that makes you want to stuff all that sugar into your body.

Anyway, I am registering for RUN TO THE FAR SIDE on Dec 1st. My motivation for the run is the gary larson t-shirt that they're giving away.

But I think my primary motivator is so I can fit into a tiny black dress come christmas and tell myself I'm actually skinnier (and hence more beautiful) than the skeletal women in Singapore. I am told they eat less meat and milk, hence the starved Kate Moss look.

I shall hang that little black dress in front of the treadmill when I run tonite.

I have a 30 page paper to write.
I find it ironic that I'm writing to bitch about it when I should just sit and write it.

i finally finally finally got my package from apple.

finally!

I siphoned this off of Voodoo's website and answered it cos I have nothing else better to do...

COMPLETELY USELESS QUESTIONAIRE
1. GIVEN NAME? mooncake
2. NICKNAME? tree, booboo, girl
3. WHAT STAGE NAME WOULD U CHOOSE IF U WERE A WWF WRESTLER? the rising cock???
4. WHAT NAME WOULD U CHOOSE IF YOU WERE A STRIPPER? bunny (i'm so original)
5. WHAT'S THE NEXT MOVIE YOU PLAN TO SEE? Bowling Columbine
6. FAVORITE SOCKS? the ones with individual space for toes
7. FAVORITE STORE? macy's shoe dept
8. FAVORITE NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK? water
9. LEAST FAVORITE SOUND? the rubbish (and yes i did say rubbish) truck outside my window at 7am in the morning
10. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE? depends on who i wake up with :PPPPppPP
11. COLOR OF YOUR MOST COMFORTABLE PJ'S? pink
12. COFFEE-HOT OR ICED? CREAM AND SUGAR? coffee with half and half... no sugar
13. NAME OF FUTURE CHILD? dunno yet... dependent on future husband's last name
14. MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE? dishwasher
15. DO YOU HAVE AN ODD EATING HABIT? WHAT IS IT? no... i eat everything
16. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? chocolate
17. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? as fast as a granma
18. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A NIGHT LIGHT? only the glow of the streetlamp from outside my window
19. THE POLAR BEAR CLUB-COOL OR STUPID? have no clue
20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CAR? my jetta
21. DO YOU PREFER CHILI W/ CRACKERS OR RICE? rice... I'm chinese... I eat rice with everything
22. WHICH STORE:OLD NAVY OR THE GAP? Neither
23. DO YOU EAT YOUR PIZZA CRUST? no
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE? socialite
25. NAME SOMETHING SMALL YOUR PARTNER/SPOUSE DOES THAT YOU LIKE. he holds me to sleep
26. IF YOU COULD DESIGN YOUR FAVORITE CUP WHAT WOULD IT LOOK LIKE? like every other normal cup you see.
27. FAVORITE T.V. SHOW? law and order
28. WHAT COLOR IS THE BLANKET ON YOUR BED? blue
29. IF U AND A FRIEND WERE STUCK ON AN ISLAND WHICH BOARD GAME WOULD U TAKE WITH YOU? monopoly

Please join in our campaign to buy the leader of the freeworld a playstation 2 so that he doesn't go playing Storm Trooper with real people.

My Point Exactly
appearing in SFGATE
Lies, damned lies and ongoing dread
by Jon Carroll

WE KNOW THAT governments lie. We know that the
secretary will disavow all knowledge of our actions if
we are caught or killed. We know that the
government will say it was a weather balloon, a
training exercise, a rogue agent, an accidental
straying into territorial waters, a boiler explosion.
"Gosh, was that the Chinese Embassy? I knew we
shouldn't have depended on that Lonely Planet map."

Mostly, though, the lies that governments tell are not
to foreign governments. The lies they tell are
organizational. They are told for the purpose of
diffusing blame or deflecting criticism. They are told
so that a bureaucrat can keep his job.

The bureaucratic imperative only increases with the
age of the institution. We did not "connect the dots"
before Sept. 11 because bureaucrats did not want
the impression left that field offices were smarter than
the central office. We did not "connect the dots"
because bureaucrats were afraid of being accused of
"racial profiling." We did not connect the dots
because hiring actual speakers of Arabic would
disrupt the old-boy network.

Lies are also told to convince the voters that an
announced policy is correct. Daniel Ellsberg
participated in the lying about Vietnam for six years
before he blew the whistle. If you read between the
lines (and inside the lines, and use the special
Washington decoder to analyze the lines), there are
a lot of potential Ellsbergs in the CIA and the
Pentagon.

They know what lies are being told. Maybe one of
them will photocopy 2,000 pages of documents one
day, and we'll all know what the lies are. But
anonymous people are already waving their hands
and saying, "Honest really bad idea do something no
killing please."

Folks with a sense of history think of the days before
World War I, when everyone was sure that somebody
sensible would stop this madness and no one
sensible did, and the century of unprecedented
carnage began.

IT'S A COMIC opera, in some ways. We are planning
to invade Iraq because it might have nukes one day,
and North Korea jumps up and down and says, "We
have nukes right now, yes oh yes," and the United
States says, "Well, no more oil for you guys. Where
were we?"

Australia experiences something that had almost the
psychological force that Sept. 11 had for us, the
bombing of a nightclub in Kuta Beach (the Fort
Lauderdale of Australia, although technically in
another nation), and we say, "Terribly sorry, old
things, but how about that Saddam fellow?"

Chechen terrorists hold Russians hostage in a
Moscow theater, and administration wonks stay up
all night trying to figure out a way to blame it on Iraq.

It's like, hello, the war is over here. Worldwide Islamic
fundamentalist uprising. Saddam Hussein: not an
Islamic fundamentalist. I really think Dick Cheney
needs to learn to use Google.

IT SEEMS CLEAR that Saddam Hussein is most
dangerous when he feels threatened. Our plan:
Threaten him. It seems clear that Saddam Hussein is
isolated from negative information, living in a dream
world in which the entire world supports his
wonderfulness against the evil American empire. It is
tempting to say that the only world leader as isolated
from negative information as Saddam Hussein is
George Bush himself.

And Bush has nukes! I'm sorry, Captain, we had to
destroy Western civilization in order to save it.

The scary part is that the legislative branch of
government, the one charged by the Constitution with
protecting us from the imperial presidency, has gone
over to the other side. We don't have checks and
balances; we only have blank checks.

No time really to blog today.
I spent one hour on the phone with FedEx trying to get them to deliver package and convincing them that there may be no such thing as satellite tracking error, but there's such a thing as human error.

No apologies from them of course.

Decided instead to complain to Apple.com where I ordered my package from. I know where the money's coming from and if Fedex decides to play ball, I will too. I tell Apple that I'm upset with their shipping choice because they (fedex) are not getting the package to me in a timely manner, and they should consider for their own sake to give that shipping account to someone else because their customers are obviously not getting their packages and are not receiving good customer support from their shipping partners.

Apple manager calls Fedex for me and demands that Fedex deliver the package to me. He opens tracer on their end and tells Fedex that apple logistics team will look into Fedex operations.

Hurray for Apple... boo to Fedex.

Some questions from some book about Love and it's myths written by Babara DeAngelis... The point is to answer them and see if you've given into believing the hollywood myths about love and to possibly realize that it's a stupid thing to do. Amazon markets the book as:

"Finally--the book you've been waiting for to help you find and keep the right partner and make love last. Best-selling author and renowned relationship expert Barbara De Angelis (PhD) reveals everything you need to know about compatibility and shows you how to create the fulfilling relationship you deserve whether you are:
Married, and wondering if you could be happier.
Single, and wondering how to avoid another wrong partner.
In love, and wondering whether your partner is the right one for you."

Have you ever convinced yourself you were in love when you were really in lust?
Hard to say... haven't ever been in that position. I know I'm not in love if I at least don't feel at least some amount of physical attraction. Don't know if physical attraction equates to lust. Lusty love, and loving lust... I don't really see anything too wrong about that.

Have you had a habit of mistaking drama and tension for true love?
Are we trying to say true love has no drama and tension? That true love equates an absence of drama and tension? No wonder so many people are divorced these days.

Do you ever question a really healthy relationship because you don't feel head over heels in love with your partner all the time?
I'd like to know what kind of sex life DeAngelis has with her significant other. She's obviously not getting any.

Do you suspect that you choose partners with whom you are not compatible and ignore the people with whom you could be truly compatible?
Sure... I ignore all my friends and go out with people I don't like. If I could figure out compatability in an instant, I'd write a book now and make $$ off of it. Whatever happened to opposites attract?

I'm a better therapist anyday.
What a rip off...

here's what I'm making for party on saturday

Peruvian Seviche


1 lb fish fillets of corbina, red snapper, or any good quality whitefish
juice of three lemons
juice of three sour oranges or limes
one medium onion, thinly sliced
salt and pepper to taste
a pinch of cayenne pepper
1 clove of garlic, minced
1 hot pepper, chopped fine
2 tablespoons chopped parsley
2 tablespoons chopped cilantro (coriander)


Cut fish into pieces and place on a platter. Place the thinly sliced onions on the fish. Then add the remaining ingredients, covering with the juices. Place in refrigerator for at least 4 hours before serving. Serve on bed of lettuce and garnish with cold sweet potato or corn-on-the-cob.

A big shout out to my friend Gerhard, whom I haven't seen or heard from since April. Mostly my fault really... but wanted to say hi and wow... I can't believe I found you.
How did I find him?
I checked google and found his email on a random website. Amazing. The power of the internet. I'm actually curious now... wonder what I will find if I searched my name on the web? Hmmmm...
Anyway, gotta figure out how to upload my pictures on the internet. I actually have a portfolio of some REALLY REALLY amateur pix... but they're mine and I get to put them up and say I took them :p Am by no means Ansel Adams (but I really didn't think his pix were so hot anyway). The best part about having your own pix is that you get to tell the story behind it. The why and the how. The beauty of photgraphy is not in the angle or the craft, I think, but it's intricate and absolute link to reality. You are capturing reality and a part of history never to be repeated. How you decide to take the picture presents your interpretation of that reality at that very moment and says something about what you are thinking at that very moment. Reality maps itself onto the film and you map yourself onto reality.
Cool huh?

Over the weekend I was extremely angry at a friend who flaked on me. A number of other friends told me I should just let it go and it wasn't worth being mad about. I don't think it is now, but honestly, that advice didn't help at all. And I thought back of the number of times I've talked to my students in therapy, or counselled friends about a variety of things. I've said and used that phrase so many times.

That "it isn't worth it" isn't really the point when one is feeling upset, or angry or frustrated. It may be the big picture overall, or the underlying question... is the action worth undertaking? Is the decision worth all that suffering? But in the moment of fluster, when all these feelings are swirling inside of you, ready to burst out and you try so hard to control it and understand those feelings, someone comes and tells you that "it isn't worth it", that essentially negates your experience, negates what you are feeling and negates all that you are trying to do about it. How discouraging. My feelings aren't worth it. Everything that I am feeling now is if no worth. So you try to slash everything that you feel in to what someone else tells you is worth feeling, or is the rational thing to do.

Too many times we negate someone else's feelings without thinking, without empathy for what that person is feeling. Therapy sometimes is a fluke because as therapist you think you have to play the objective role in the relationship with the client. As friends, we think we need to be the rational being, the pillar of strength and objectivity. But since when were humans logical and rational at all times? Empathy is a seldom used word in therapy and in friendships. It is a seldom understood feeling. As human beings we have the capacity to understand the "other" as self, to not only understand what the other person is going through, but we can also live and relive what that person is going through in our heads. We have the capacity to experience what the other person feels, to walk in their shoes if we so permit our minds to do so. And yet we don't. We don't permit ourselves to understand that. I know I always end up alluding to to what the "logical" self should do in a particular situation.

Western philosophical tradition has since debunked Cartesian positivistic stance on existence. We know we do not exist because we think. Logical thought is not the basis of existence, but Descartes continues to hold a powerful grip over us. He lives in our lives presenting the Cartesian anxiety that we hold on to daily. Either it is right or it is wrong. Either it is worth it or it is not. But if it is not worth it, if it is not right, then what?

Experience is the very meaning of our existence. And experience is made up of the very things we feel, the stories in our minds, our memories, the way we narrate an event to ourselves or to someone else. When someone tells you that they feel crappy because of something that happened, and you turn around to say, that feeling's not worth it, or that event does not or should not generate such a response from you, it is analagous to saying that their very existence at that point holds no meaning whatsoever, that the meaning they created for themselves was wrong.

And that begs the question too. If it is wrong, what is right then? Often times, no one can tell you.

Which brings me back to the point on empathy. If one looks at the other as self, tries to understand, to generate dialogue that brings greater understanding, not judgement, not solutions, then therapy and consolation takes a different concept. We don't draw conclusions. We draw understanding. That's not to say that we should dwell on a point or not come to conclusion at all. But conclusion comes from understanding, and understanding comes from our capacity to empathise, to put ourselves in that position, to also derive meaning from the experience and the feelings that the other person is going through.

The WS is on in SF. Not the same like in NY. I'm biased but whatever. I'm entitled to pick a team. Was not born in the US so all teams are open to me technically. I'm amazed at the things people will do... and the things people think other people will do just for the stupid game. Well, it's not that stupid... I suppose it would be a big fucking deal if I got tickets to the WS. But gee... sleeping with people just for a ticket. I mean, c'mon. You'd let a guy fuck you just so you can watch a game? I mean, there are sports bars. And if you really wanted to get laid, you can at least have your pick, rather than to succumb to some stupid obligation. You can't be that cheap. Check out all the ads from craigslist:

"Season ticket holder has two lower box seats for each World Series game. My wife will be out of town next week, so I'm looking
for a companion for each of the games. Either a different ladie each night or perhaps one special girl for the all three games.
Please send ms a picture and let me know how far you're willing to let things go for the ticket, assuming the chemistry is right.
Otherwise, what the hell, you can buy the beer and dogs and we'll just have a great time at the game.
FYI: I'm a professional (engineer.. and no, not the geeky type), handsome, 34 year old, tall, fit, light-skinned black male."
==> whatever happened to boys night out? Taking your male buddies to a game? gee.

My boyfriend is a DIE HARD Giants fan, and would LOVE ME FOR LIFE if I scored him some tix. He doesn't need to know how I got them, does he?
I would say that i'm pretty cute; 5'2", brunette... 115 lbs., 34C and relatively fit. Shaven smooth and VERY clean. One night only :) Tix up front, please.
==> i feel very sorry for your boyfriend, and even more so for you.

===> This one... I laughed my ass off!
You can rain blows down on me for 15 minutes straight if you'll give me a good deal on purchasing some World Series Tickets. I can take a beating like no other. If you want me to scream in pain, I will scream in pain. If you want me to take it like a man, you won't hear a peep. Either way, I'll take the whoopin of a lifetime if it means I get to see the Giants

People are insane.

I wanna watch Michael Moore's Bowling for Columbine. Check it out.
Fandango - Movie Review

I am frustrated at work. i can't decide if it's because i've outgrown my job, or if it's become too mundane, or if my interests have switched, or if it honsestly is just good old PMS. It is probably a combination of all 4 reasons... The result's the same though. I am frustrated. I don't relish the thought of going to work, I am no longer creative both at work and out of work, and it's just wearing me down completely. I don't' feel like I'm doing enough, but don't have the strength to do more either. The worst thing is: I really have it good at work. A mostly understanding boss (except for that one time), cool co-workers and benefits other people would die for. More importantly, or probably, most importantly, I'm still employed in this wake of retrenchments and lay-offs. I should be grateful. But I'm still frustrated.

I stayed home today. My boss gave me the day off, and I took it. It was really good, cos it's just nice to stay home sometimes and spend time on your own. I spent the day finishing up my math test due tomorrow. It was really hard, but completely satisfying.

I was reading my earlier entry on things I learned since I've been single, and thought I wanted to say something more about it. I think what I've learned most about being on my own is that I'm an idealist, and that nothing will satisfy me until I've reached that ideal. Basically I want it all. I don't want to be miserable, I don't just want to be satisfied, I don't want to compromise what I want just because something didn't work out before, or people tell me that it's not possible.

In other words, he has to be perfect, in all the ways I imagined him to be. I chase dreams and feelings. I've done that my whole life. When I've stopped chasing, or switched courses for whatever stupid reason, I've always ended up invariably unsatisfied and unhappy.

gotta listen to yourself.

that would be #11.

I just blogged this in the Aiyah site. The Big Aiyah is a singles website that I blog for.

Things I've learned since I've been Single

1. That I can date all the cute boys in my class without feeling guilty
2. That you must at all times have a backup
3. That I am my #1 backup... ie: my hobbies, my work, my girlfriends
4. Of course #2 is always that cute boy you always wanted to date
5. To pity all the coupled/ married people because they have no more choices
6. Choice is better than no choice
7. Stability is overrated
8. Stability is underrated
9. I can't decide if I want stability
10. I want to move to a pareto superior position, not inferior, not neutral. ie: I'd better be better off in all ways if I am going to give up my singlehood for some guy.

And today's most important lesson:
If you have World Series tix, you should just go and forget the Boyfriend/ Girlfriend who cannot!!! Take it from me, the woman who had tix to the subway series in 2000, but did not go because BF was being an ass and wanted to be coddled. arrrggghhhhhh......

I think now is a good time to post this poem by Wilfred Owens. We're living in the age where everyone wants to wage war, where "THE CAUSE: is more important than human life, where the sanctity and value of life is disregarded, and where no one wonders really of what use "THE CAUSE" is for humankind. Where should we begin when we explain to our children that we sent your father/ mother/ sister/ brother to die, just for "THE CAUSE"? Did they really have to die so we can live? Did we not think of something else? "Papa died because someone else thought their "CAUSE" was more important". "Sister lost her legs because the GOVERNMENT had to, just had to, front our "CAUSE".

How quickly we forget our past. How quickly we forget the dead, the pain, the scars, the hurt.

How will spending $200 billion on war, on a manhunt, on sending people out to die solve the problem? How will killing 187 innocent tourists justify a jihad?
I just don't get it.

Dulce et Decorum Est
Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned out backs,
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots,
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame, all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of gas-shells dropping softly behind.

Gas! GAS! Quick, boys!--An ecstasy of fumbling
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time,
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams before my helpless sight
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin,
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs
Bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

I read this poem today. It's beautiful. It's written by an anonymous female. The only thing I know about her is that she was suffering from chronic depression, personality-borderline disorder, ADHD and drug abuse. Her words are so touching.

Magic Moment
Maybe looking out a window
will evoke a magic moment
my mist shrouded mind will clear
and I think I hear the call of the wind
and I am not there
but near.
I am on top of a rocky pinnacle
facing a fire lit dawn
looking down on breeezy plains
and something ageless will stir within,
I am light and filled with light
all the mysteries have been solved
and I feel as if I shall take flight
as the hawk soars above.
And as I sit staring out of the window,
I long to be on horseback
and feel his muscles ripple
as we surge away in salty air.
Sitting here in such sweet torture
aching to answer the call,
to run, to fly, to leap,
to dance, to love...
I'm held there spellbound
knowing that
the mystic beaconing of the wind
is just a parting of dust in my mind
that reveals to me
the wonder, the ecstasy,
the splendor of life.
I sip my coffee and resume my staring
In those rare magic moments
when I hear the wind call,
I know that every tear
I ever spent is worth it all.
~anon

from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in Adulthood- A Practitioner's Handbook by Santo J. Triolo, PhD

The boss is nitpicky today. Must be male PMS. Refuses to believe it when I tell him a student's address and that I ALREADY called TWICE to reconfirm it.
Whatever. Let him do the calling AGAIN. I could't give a rat's ass.

It's cold and foggy again in SF. I suppose that's getting to everyone considering the happy sunshine we enjoyed the last two days. I got in late today. I can't get out of bed. Especially not with this foggy a/c type weather, and especially not after staying up late. I wonder who invented the rule to start work at 8:30am anyway. I mean, goodness, that means getting out of bed at 6:30 for most people just to be able to get to work. My co-worker with a kid has to be awake by 6am to prep her kid and herself to go to work.

Life starts only at 10am. I mean, look at all of us, addicted to our Lattes, and Americanos just so we can "wake up" while we are at work. Imagine just how much more productive we would be if life started at 10am. No we wouldn't get out of work by 5. But if we got out at 6pm, we'd still get the 8 hours in and still get plenty of sleep in time.

my driver's license got suspended. Could anything be worse??? arrgghh...
Apparently I didn't pay a fine, which is not true because when I called up to pay it, they said there was no violation on record, so I didn't.
Crap shit.
Apparently I've been suspended since April.... so thank God I haven't been pulled over, cos I had no clue whatsoever. The letter that was supposed to get to me never got to me.

The forces of the universe are against me... I just know it!

And what could be worse than to have it happen in stupid bay area that has crappy public transportation systems... There's no BART or bus to Alameda county, which happens to be in the SF metropolis. So that means I have to drive to get to that stupid county so that I can unsuspend my license.

Can you think of anything more stupid???

This SUCKS!

I am so unmotivated today. I couldn't get my research down for my Development class nor could I get myself to do the math for my test on thursday. The spirit is truly willing but the brain is too damn weak.
I honestly can't decide what I want to do with my Development paper. There's no data set on China, so I can't really work on market development strategies in China... or well, there are data sets, I just don't feel like looking for them right now. I'm kinda interested in education in Third World nations, but lack the motivation and focus to read up on it. Ugh.
I'm not even wired after two cups of coffee.

I think it's the weather. Too hot, too nice, and too tempting to just sit and stare all day into the horizon.

I am so in la la land right now...

Does everyone know that the great Karl Marx never paid a bill in his entire life? Engels supported him (and his wife) until the day he died and Marx, for all his wisdom, never 1) made enough money or managed it well enough to cover his expenses, 2) always had Engels pay for him. No wonder Marx is the father of communism. Pooh on him.

It's Sunday. One of those days when I wish I woke up in NYC. I miss New York the most on Sundays because it's just the day to do whatever in NY. I suppose you could say that about SF, but it's just different. Sundays, I used to walk and wander around Manhattan, exploring. Choir rehearsals in the morning, then church then off to wherever my feet could take me. Sometimes my friend Joanne would have a craving for a specific type of food, and we'd go off to Queens or Brooklyn in search of it. Other times, I'd have no agenda and I'd just walk round the village, or to someplace new uptown. Sometimes, especially during Thanksgiving and Christmas, Jo and I would walk uptown on 5th Ave and join in the festives' galore and the tourists.

And then of course there's baseball. I honestly haven't watched many games at Yankee Stadium cos I was a student and tix were so expensive. But you could always feel the vibe in the air. It isn't quite like SF. Everyone is a baseball fan. Even the guy who sells coffee in his pushcart. And he just moved to NY from some middle eastern country a few years. There'd be the occasional Bosox fan, but hey, it's a sea of Blue here or Orange and Blue. Baseball season or not, everyone wears a baseball cap, claiming allegiance to either the Yanks or the Mets. My then boyfriend used to listen to the radio while stuck in the Holland tunnel or on the Brooklyn Bridge and there'd be all these fans calling in about their angle, their take on why the team won or lost. Unlike SF, where everything always seems to be fine and dandy and great especially since they have Bonds, NY fans are critical and really really harsh on their team. Their love for the team goes simply beyond just support. It involves crtique and understanding and evaluation. Honestly, I admire the team for their fans more than anything else.

And then I miss Chinatown. One never drives to Chinatown. It's a subway deal or you walk. There are so many people on the streets and sidewalks, if you were in a car, you'd be slower than a tortoise traversing the desert. My friends and I used to hang out at St. Alps and Tang Dynasty. The two are modelled after Chinese teahouses, where they serve Dim Sum and a variety of chinese sweets and teas. Yummm.... St. Alps was great cos you could simply hang out and watch people on the streets, Tang dynasty had better food, but it was in the basement, so you couldn't really sit and gawk at people walking by. I remember one time, when Jo and I had to buy stingray for a barbeque we were having. I'd called my grandmother for the Hokkien, Cantonese, Mandarin translation of stingray. We went into one of the fish stores that had been recommended, and tried desperately to explain ourselves to the fishmonger. We tried to write it, but the fishmonger did not read, so we tried saying it, every version that my grandmother taught me, I repeated it, much to the chagrin of the fishmonger, because he probably could have served 5 other people by this time. In the end, we drew it. Or somewhat drew it. "ohhh.... hang hir", said the fishmonger. And pointed us to the box where stingrays were stacked. And then he threw his head back and laughed and started retelling our story to the guy next to him. He was amused.

I miss the sirens, I miss the yellow cabs. I miss hearing loud mouthed Italian New Yorkers yell at each other, I miss the supermodel like women, dressed in furs. I miss the FOB (fresh off the boats), like me, trying to figure the city out, I miss the internal hip hop beat that the city has; you can hear it as you walk. I miss the Angelika and all the quirky movies it shows, I miss brownstones, and sitting on their steps in the humid heat of the summer. I miss BooRadleys, our favorite dive bar with $5 jugs anytime. I miss Farmer's market on Tuesdays in Union Square and the Christmas tree at Rockerfeller. I miss Serendipity, my favorite restaurant, Barneys, where I could never afford anything but a stare, and the smell of horse poop at Central park... actually, maybe not the horse poop... they could do without it.

I love that city.

To the man that I love,
You are no longer a fantasy.
I see you in flesh and skin
I see you in my mind's eye.

And yet you remain a secret,
but one that I am happy to keep;
for the time being.

To the man that I love,
I could not be happier.
I could not be sadder.
You are with me on my roller coaster rides

Up and down we go,
And you are there when I ascend that peak
And you are there when I fall

To the man that I love
I adore you and worship you
You fill me
You complete me

I could not be the one that I am,
the girl, the woman, the lover, the friend
You make the being that I am.

Bush is an idiot. Check this link out:

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I got a B on my test for Tuesday.
I could say that I'm not happy cos I want that A. I could also say I'm not happy cos I KNOW I could have gotten that A had I spent a little more time on it, and had I really committed myself to understanding it all.
But then again, for the amount I studied, I really got lucky cos it was curved. I got 50 out of 100 points... pretty bad huh? Wait til you see the questions... you'll understand then. But anyway, the mean was like 53 points... so I'm right there with everyone else. So I should say that I'm really lucky cos this won't pull my GPA down.
A friend of mine is a teacher and was telling me about how his Asian students seem to be "cold, emotionless and driven", and how getting the A is such a big deal for them. That really got me thinking especially since I got this test back and all.
I don't know that I speak for Asians per se. I don't consider myself very asian. Maybe neo-Asian...t he kind that is somewhat traditional inside but has some post modern sense of being on the outside. But anyway, having been here in the US for close to 5 years, and having worked here and in Singapore as an educator for the last 8, I think there are cultural and racial differences in the approach and attitude to education. That is an obvious conclusion and doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out... or an educator for that matter.
The biggest difference I think is in process and outcome. Education in America is much more process oriented. The underlying philosophy to Western education is it's process. The value of learning is more greatly valued than what is learned. So in the end, student experience, environment, expression and creativity matter more. Education in Singapore, and perhaps most of Asia is outcome oriented. It asks the question: what can education produce for you? So teachers teach so that you can achieve that outcome. Pass that test, get into med school...
I'm not saying that either side is polarized and that this is an either or deal. I suppose the best way to describe it is that the two are values on a continuum.
I suppose having been schooled in Asia and then having taught in the US, I swing from end to end. As a student, I'm really not one of those who would "think critically" or question the assumptions or really even care about how the teacher taught. My mother always drilled it in me that there will always be good teachers and bad teachers... but one should get the same grade nonetheless (and that would be an A). I still carry that with me when I go to school. My learning experience is somewhat less teacher dependent. I'll learn the material but based on how I think I will get my A. There's a lot of rote learning, and there's always that implicit Confusius assumption that one cannot critique without knowing the material. One cannot question without becoming an expert. (Honestly speaking, I think this is why Asian students do so well in Math and Science)
At the same time, I know for a fact that the road to the A would have been so much easier with a teacher who thought about how she was teaching, with a teacher who could engage, and help you understand that process of learning. I suppose that's one of the reasons I chose this profession. I always think: gee this could have been so much easier on the kids had I done ____. I am always thinking of ways thinking about the process, the experience. But there are some things that I expect students to drill themselves on. Not every learning experience is fun, not every learning experience is easy. I hated it in grad school when my professors exclaimed that we must think about every possible method to make learning fun, that we must create meaning for the students (good ol Vgotsky said that). I honestly think that obscures the subject or content that is to be taught.
I guess that's just my two cents worth.

oh yea, the yankees win again and the A's lose. Nothing could be sweeter than that. Makes up for the bullshit test I had to sit for tonight.
There's NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING better than Yankee baseball! I love it.
That's a great team.
GO Yankees!