Snakes is to Blame

So the lowly snake is the villain again huh? I guess when the Old Testament gives you a rep you can't exactly shake it. People just love seeing snakes in movies...i mean, the success of Anaconda will attest to that...and even a bit further back Conan the Barbarian had to battle with James Earl Jones when he turned into a giant snake. (Remember when dude took a snake and somehow made it stiff enough to use as an arrow like projectile? Blew my mind). What I don't understand is...WHy isn't our natural nemesis the MONKEY featured more? I mean planet of the apes was a phenomenon...yet only one series featuring our simian rivals? They're stronger than us and quite wily..yet we aren't using them as villains enough. (The Outbreak monkey doesn't count because that monkey was just diseased). Dane Cook had it right when he said that it would be fantastic if you kept a trained chimpanzee in your house that you would only feed if it would battle you with a sword and a shield. He said "How stoked would you be at work if you knew that when you got home...somewhere in the shadows a trained monkey was readying itself to do battle with you?" I mean seriously, come on...that's totally worth it. But no, we pick on the poor serpent because it happens to pack venom and can squeeze through places and surprise the shit out of you while you're looking for your shoes or something. I say boo...I say enough, bring on the monkeys.

Top 5 animal villains

5) Dogs -Cujo, those resident evil dogs.

4) Pirahna - them pirahna movies...you know, they can eat like a whole cow in a minute.

3) Alligators - Always lurking in the sewers or your pool. Sewage or chlorine...its all good to them. Never flush em because they turn giant.

2) Snakes - see my comments above. Bad rap...boring to boot.




1) Sharks - THat's right bitches sharks is the A-#1 badass animal movie villain of all times!, Mr. Spielberg made it okay for you to hate sharks. They're from the devil himself supposedly.



ps. No, gremlins aint real animals ...so I don't wanna hear that sh*t.

Costume Party

Ever been invited to a costume party when it's not around halloween? While some guys might think "AWESOME!", I've always been kinda on the leery side and I'll tell you the reason why. The party usually sounds good when you initially hear about it. You get a call from your friend talking bout some crazy party...

"Hey dude, house party ...it's gonna be sick, that girl you dig is gonna be there, I'm sure it'll be a bender..."

But it seems your buddy always leave the most important detail last.

"Uh...oh and uhh dress like a pirate, it's kind of a theme party. Later!"

You call back real quick and say "Yo, hold up...what? Pirate? What if I don't...what I don't dress up?"

"Aw man, they'll make you walk the PLANK! See you there!"

FACK. Now the reason I don't like costume parties is not because I'm a big ol' stick in the mud who takes himself seriously...it's that I don't trust the other guys who go to the party to be as fun-loving as I am.

I can picture it now, you stroll in the house and yell "Ahoy Mateys!" and look around expecting to find a motley lot of folks looking like blackbeard and captain hook and jack sparrow, the girls all in skimpy outfits dressed like maidens waiting to be ravaged! They'll all raise a frothy mug of brew and yell out "Yo ho ho!!!" But what you will actually find is that most of the guys will be wearing a Raiders baseball cap, maybe a shirt w/ a skull and crossbones print on it, and at most one dude might be wearing an eyepatch which he'll have tired of sporting so its already flipped up to his forehead. Otherwise, everyone's in streetclothes. Meanwhile...you'll be at the door with the big floppy hat, black wig and painted beard, a plastic parrot strapped to your left shoulder and a big red penguin tail blazer with a fluffy breasted shirt underneath. You've the ol' "hook" on one hand and on the other you're clutching a toy sword n' scabbard from toys r' us. You're standing there with baggy white striped pants, an oversized red sash for a belt and big black fisherman galoshes that smell like real fisherman galoshes (a lil) bit as these guys holding plastic red kegger cups all stare at you. The girls are dressed like sluts...not so much pirate sluts or anything, they have on the regular slut outfits that they have on Halloween that they claim is supposed to be either a "sexy fairy" or a "sexy angel". Your buddy emerges from one of the rooms wearing a shirt with a pirate face print on it with a caption that says "ARRRR you busy on Saturday?" and says "Wow, uh NICE! You REALLLY...you REALLLY got into it."

You're first reaction is..."YES! APPARENTLY. What the fuck? I thought...? I thought if we didn't dress up we'd have to walk the plank or some shit like that...!!"

It turns out "the plank" is just a beer bong and you gotta line up for that thing if you don't dress up. What's funny is that everyone decides to do the beer bong anyway. Everyone that walks in the party thinks you're that weird kid that thinks Star Wars mythology is applicaple in real life and goes to those Trekkie conventions. And you realize it's just no use trying to explain that you just happened to have a plastic parrot in your house to a crowd of people wearing designer shirts from Nordstrom. All in all, it's a good time except for the fact that everyone refers to you as that "dude with the fluffy shirt". Fantastic time had by all, mostly at your expense because YOU put too much faith in fun-lovingness mankind.

This event is based on a true story...except for a few things I've decided to embellish for artistic reasons but the overall effect is that its left me scarred and bitter. I think I'm willing to take a chance again...but maybe not until Halloween.

Suck'D

I got a prank pulled on me this weekend. The long and short of it is that my friend’s girlfriend called me and pretended to be a girl I met. When they dropped the payoff on me, I thought it was funny but something seemed a bit off. I realized that the payoff sucked twofold because I was of course embarrassed and disappointed simultaneously. If you watch Punk’d, the reason people sign off on their embarrassing moments on film is that they are relieved that the prank situation isn’t real. Ergo, the relief is a greater feeling than actually embarrassment. In my case, the letdown is worse than the actual embarrassment…hell I didn’t care that I was embarrassed, I was more pissed that the girl didn’t actually call me. This prank crosses over into cruel intentions territory so I have kind of a hard time letting go of it. It still kinda bothers me.

Annoying Gym Person # 88

The elderly lady with the horrific melting candle-wax body wearing a very revealing 80's mid-riff leotard set. She's got her gut pouring out of the damn thing and she always comes around the lower end of the free weight section where only maybe 10% of the women go. Since Im not built like a gorilla I can't really avoid her b/c the dumbells I can curl weigh the same as the big box of detergent that you can purchase in Costco. She's always there...and she's always sweaty and her face looks like Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas if she didn't stop using heavily years ago. I wish she only looked like this once in a while but she consistently looks this way and she's probably not going to change anytime soon so I guess I better get used to it.

More Cowbell!!!

Went to my aunt's party and this fellow started hitting this cowbell for like 7 minutes straight...imagine listening to the length of this video 14 maybe 15x in a row and you will imagine how I felt.


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Annoying gym person # 45

Then there's that guy that interrupts your workout by catching your eye because he wants to ask if you are using a certain machine that he wants to use. "You using this?" I can understand that he's just being corteous...but enough is enough. I'm always like 20 feet away from that machine so its fairly obvious I'm not using it at the moment and if I was I would probably be kinda next to it. I always reply "Nah, it's all yours..." but what I want to say is "Are you serious? I'm nowhere near that thing...seriously, I don't know why you are asking me that." But I don't because I'm a nice guy. I don't know why but I don't like my private thoughts (about how terribly out of shape I am)interrupted by sweaty people who I'm trying very hard to ignore. This is the gym after all...and it's bad enough that I pay 60 dollars a month to sit in someone else's poorly wiped sweat puddle so its just acting too much to make me interact. That's it, I'm done.