The Big Aiyah

::I wasn’t always like this
not in the beginning. I used to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally; oblivious to my (current) girlfriend’s faults (flaw? What flaw?). Grateful to God, fate, circumstance, and to her for being in my life and allowing me to show her my affection and gratitude. Days were filled with excitement and adventure as we dared our own tolerances for danger and thrill. Moments lasted as we indulged in each other’s aspirations, hopes, trepidation, needs, and pleasure with what we have in front of us.
I used to think of being in a relationship as an idyllic sanctuary of deep understanding, dreams, and dare I say it; love. Our refuge from the realities and cruelties of the world was the comfort and security from each other’s voice, embrace, soft steady gaze, and unconscious belief that we’ll never be alone.
It used to be so easy to articulate and describe the wonder that was her and the bliss that was us.
In short I was in love, and believed in love.
After being cheated on and dismissed by my first two loves; love became commercial and superficial. Commercial in that greed presided; to make sure I got what I wanted before I can remotely get hurt. Superficial in that the guise of a potential romance, let alone a relationship was only a gambit to fight a nasty spell of loneliness.
I’d like to think and do believe that I was never malicious in any tryst and/or romance that I engaged into. I know I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend. But, I know I’ve never been able to commit wholeheartedly to anyone since.
By putting it in black and white, I’m asking myself, “what are you looking forward to when you begin to get involved in a relationship with someone?”

….to be continued

posted by evil rat @ 6:22 PM

::riddle me this

I have a friend; alright a "special friend". She's not just a bootie-call, cuz we sometimes hangout during the weekends. I DON'T consider her my girlfriend, cuz we usually go bar-hopping/clubbing separately.

She's not just a bootie-call, cuz she's met my parents and I've met hers. She's not my girlfriend, cuz I've never invited her to any personal social circle functions/gatherings.

She's not just a bootie-call, cuz I sometimes tell the shit I have to put up with. She's not my girlfriend, cuz even though she holds me, I don't feel a sanctuary in her embrace.

The riddle is, is a non bootie-call, non girlfriend my valentine?

posted by evil rat @ 6:03 PM

::she inspires
The cold wet winds of 2004 blew in an enigma from the past. She landed with usual aplomb; flip comments, intrusive questioning, and engaging conversation; as if the gap between the last interaction have only been a couple days, not a couple of years.

I’d have to say she was the one girl who won me over. Not by her physical attractiveness, nor the credentials on her resume that makes parents say, “see THAT'S a good girl.” She had that intangible that made you want to listen to any subject that caught her fancy, and speak your dreams that you've never uttered to another soul. If someone was to ask me to list all the traits that I want for a soul mate/life partner; her qualities make her the closest any woman I've ever met.

For heaven's sake, I can say she is my muse, the one person who constantly brings me the spark of creativity and courage to strive for those dreams I've hidden even from myself.

::sweet november
So, if this girl is sooo great and on paper she's Aced the test, then why don't I feel the attraction and urge to be with her? Why do I feel that I'm not the only guy she's put this spell on? And why does that bother me?

Okay, I admit to have watched the movie, "Sweet November" with Charlize Theron and I feel like I'm Mr. January. She cares for me (I know that much) and so do I, but it doesn't go beyond that. We are physically attracted to each other, but.....?

It's like I'm Jerry Seinfeld, she's Ellain Benis! Now, if only a Terry Hatcher would pop into my social life (like that one Seinfeld episode), I swear, I wouldn't doubt nor question whether they were real or fake.

posted by evil rat @ 11:16 PM