The Big Aiyah

Cuddle Me, Dammit

Okay, since I think I'm the only person reading this column or even writing it (hint, hint), I am going to try and contribute more. Here's something I thought you might like to know:

Ann Landers made headlines and inspired countless water cooler debates in 1985 when she asked women readers whether they prefer tenderness and cuddling or sexual intercourse. Some 90,000 readers sent in responses, and 72 percent voted for cuddling, she reported.

Reaction? Surprised? No? Yes?

Talk back to me. If not, can we just cuddle?
Voodoo

posted by Voodoo Child @ 9:21 PM

Single Life isn't Half Bad, Sort Of

URL: http://www.sfgate.com/columnists/morford/

So there's the newly and happily divorced divorcée who's just recently emerged from a decade of wedded stagnation and who has a new kinkyfun lover and a new casual romantic interest and who is having a blast and seems wildly happy and reborn and free at last free at last free at last.

There is the friend of a friend who is all frantic about the pricey multicarat hardware and the future ceremony locale and the imminent wedding plans, a delicious spunky-smart sparkplug sort who nevertheless somehow thinks the expected marriage proposal will be an explosively healthy relief and end-all-be-all emotional balm and a guaranteed security blanket for life.

And she is one of those for whom the marriage itself will of course solve all the nagging problems including the problems with the nagging and the stress and the unpleasant uninformed sex and the money and the nagging.

Over here are the newlyweds who after a mere year are already headed into therapy, and he's opening a new business that will keep him at the office 12 hours a day seven days a week and she's not really that attracted to him physically and never really was, and you love them both but don't understand how this could possibly happen or how this could possibly work except that they love each other, don't they, you think, maybe.

There are the countless old high school friends who've now been wedded well into double-digit years and have multiple spawn and have that weary sort of flatline look in their eyes and talk about how marriage and parenthood are both great and fine and sigh, but man they sure miss flirting and first kisses and being able to travel and have casual sex and watch something besides Maisy videos and maybe 10 minutes of Letterman before zonking out.

But of course there are numerous success stories, blissed-out picture-perfect examples of how to do it just right, wherein the ceremony and the dress and the wedding march are all just cursory and cute and ultimately completely nonessential, gorgeous clarified love so clearly illuminating their lives that the rest becomes trivial and just falls away and it's all lightness and laughter and to hell with finding the perfect cake.

These are a mere handful of examples. There are countless others: single moms and jaded dads and second chances and whirlwind romances and doomed mismatches and recovering romantics and inexplicable amazing connections, and it's all coming up because it's the spring/summer wedding season, cranking out hot puffy connubialities like a Krispy Kreme machine on meth.

And hence up stirs the ongoing marriage debate among those of us still wandering around in Unwedland, occasionally glancing over the fence with a strange admixture of curiosity and pity and envy and detachment at those just heading into (or coming out of) domestic bliss/bondage.

Because no matter what your outlook or how stable your emotional environment, the culture of American marriage is potent enough that it demands you regularly take a look around at the various states of consanguinity currently being enjoyed (or not) by various friends and relatives just to see, if nothing else, what the hell the fuss is all about and why you're not really a part of it yet and what the hell is wrong with you anyway.

Maybe you want to know why the culture is still so obsessed with marriage and its seemingly hackneyed, co-opted traditions, the absurd levels of concomitant delusion and fantasy and endless yards of white tulle.

Maybe you want to know why people willingly enter into this contract that seems to cause so much emotional angst and bland routine and 50 percent divorce rates and prenuptial weeping and the purchasing of so many beige Honda Accords.

Only to discover, as you always do, the ultimate truth about love and marriage and 18-carat fairy tales and engraved wedding invitations the paper quality of which the bride spent three days obsessing over which most everyone threw in the garbage in under two minutes: No one has the slightest goddamn clue.

Because here's the point, same as it ever was but some of us need to be reminded: Marriage contains potent energy and can make you strong and empowered and illuminate your individuality and propel you to new heights, reassure you and give you breath and light and fuel and a wonderful grounded sense that yes, someone's always got your back, so relax already.

Then again, marriage can, of course, sap your soul and suck your anima dry and can lay waste to the emotionally immature and unstable, can turn you into a walking talking mortgage-paying bland-as-drywall minivan-driving cliché who thinks a day without a new crack in the driveway is a good day and who never has deep conversations or good drugs or kinky sex anymore, and you're OK with that because you're far too tired anyway.

Marriage is the ultimate salve, the natural extension of true love, the only way to really go deep and get serious and it takes work and it ain't easy but in the end that kind of burnished, earned love is one of the few things really worth having in life.

No wait, marriage is the weight and rope that hold you down, the clog in the drain of your id, the heavy gravitational field that makes you old before you're 40. Marriage is so full of traps and cliché and force-fed tradition and Martha Stewarty blandness you feel like some sort of cultural abnormality if you don't harbor a frantic desire to rent a tux or buy an overpriced gown and a huge white cake and a bunch of formalized rituals involving flowers and cold jumbo shrimp and a no-host bar.

But the bottom line is always the same, many of us just tend to lose sight of it amidst all the odious Shane Company jewelry ads and Brides magazine spring triple-issues and the incessant messages urging you to settle down and buy some property and spawn: Marriage is exactly as funky or bland or sexy or boring or clichéd or domineering or beautiful or difficult or soul-sucking or breathtaking as you make it, as you want it to be, as you're capable of creating.

You know, just like love.

***
Come on, give me your two cents, married people and single people. Gay brothas and sistas, I know you're out there. GIVE ME YOUR TWO CENTS!

Voodoo

posted by Voodoo Child @ 10:25 AM

Voodoo minus 7 years

When I was 25, I was in the second year of a master's program, happily involved and saw the future ahead of me as clear as day. I look back on that time in my life with a lot of glee and smiles because it was a good time. There was nothing I could do wrong.

Like you, UJ, I felt the pressures of life going on around me. Friends marrying, buying houses, moving out (I was still at home at the time). They had kids, got divorced, had big jobs, were living large. Cars, families and other parts of the world. For a while, I asked myself if I gave all of that up to do the things I wanted to do. Was I being selfish? Was I afraid of reality, as some have said, and stayed in school to forsake the vestiges of adulthood?

Shit.

Then reality slaps me around and says nah, I did what I had to do, just like they had to. We make sacrifices for what we want, and the white picket fence was mine. And no regrets, none whatsoever. I knew then, like I know now, that life gets better. There are rough spots, always will be, but how we handle those spots is what makes us what we are. I know for a fact, that when I met you years and years ago (come on Freshman!) you've come a long LONG way. Being introspective relies greatly on the ability to get perspective from those around you. So don't forget to use your friends as your mirrors.

You got years to go. Live each one as your last. No regrets. Never.

Voodoo

posted by Voodoo Child @ 11:49 PM

What a beautiful weekend we were blessed to have here in the bay. Saturday, June 8th I celebrated: I am now officially 25 years old. Hot damm - twenty fucking five years old. The whos, whats, wheres, whens, whys, and hows have, for quite some time now, forced themselves before me to answer introspectively. And I don't feel completely confident that I'll find any answers anytime soon. But I can't help but feel so aimless at times when I hear tsismis of old high school friends doing this or that, buying a home, or planning to get married, and raising children. I don't know at times, really, what I'm feeling or if I'm just making a big deal cuz I'm getting older.


As for those already "oldah" than me by a number of years, what's your take and experience like when you were this age. Do you perceive your life better in the future? As for my mid-twenties crisis intervention party went friends and alcohol just make life that much more grand knowing that I'm not alone with these feelings. I know that I should still have fun, but I know for a fact that things aren't as fun as they use to be.

peas,
~Universe Junky

posted by The Avenger @ 5:56 PM

Thoughts on a Great Sports weekend.

1. Tyson's mystique will live on for a while but his boxing skills are long gone.
2. Tyson stopped using the word "ludicrous" and replaced it w/ the more pedestrian "crazy".
3. Tyson can TAKE a punch. I saw him take more than 3 brain rattling punches that would render a normal person comatose -- yet he stood and managed not to drop his guard or his legs.
4. You can't win a fight by taking lots of shots to the head -- you have to at least try to punch back.
5. An english accent can make you sound like a real pussy even if you just knocked out one of the most savage fighters of all time.
6. Lewis can jab your face into mush.
7. I have zero guilt about having bootleg cable.
8. Serena Williams -- very masculine.
9. Venus Williams -- only slightly less masculine.
10. Clemens Vs. Bonds -- The Rocket don't want none and the evil Yankees don't want none.
11. The New Jersey Nets - Quite possibly an ass beating equal to or slightly more painful that Mike's... at least Mike's is over --
12. World Cup - Soccer sucks and there's nothing wrong with me OR the rest of the USA for not liking it.



Boy Wonder

posted by Boy Wonder @ 11:39 AM

What's Going on in Your Head?

"Dopamine rushes through the brain which makes us feel good, norepinephrine flows through the brain stimulating production of adrenaline (pounding heart), phenylethylamine (found in chocolate) creating a feeling of bliss. These chemicals sometimes override brain activity that governs logical thinking. These chemicals also play a role in the limbic system which can affect emotion. Some sources say when a shift in the balance of brain power occurs, the limbic system takes over allowing less integration with the cortex causing infatuation.

Irrational romantic sentiments are thought to be caused by oxytocin, a primary sexual arousal hormone that signals orgasm and feelings of emotional attachment. As you become increasingly aroused more oxytocin is produced. Women may be more capable of having multiple or whole-body orgasms as a result of oxytocin overload. Depletion of the overload can result in experiencing true love or disillusionment."

Was it good for you?

Voodoo

posted by Voodoo Child @ 12:23 AM

Heavy Petting

I have a parrot, his Voodoo Baby Name is Screech. Project Mayhem heard his calls this afternoon when he came by to visit; he's a jealous beast that demands my attention every living moment, but that's Screech for ya. I could easily make the parallells between my relationship with Screech and my relationships with significant others; maybe you've come to expect that from me. True to form, I'll do just that, but tweak it a bit. No, this isn't a beastiality bit.

I've learned a lot about life and love from Screech. He came into my life when I had some money to burn, and I was in need of a new pet. My last pet flew out of a door one sad day, never to look back. I've learned that home-trained parrots who fly out into the world often die because they can't find food, don't know how to fend for themselves, or don't know how to make a home for themselves in the wild, so to speak. I walked into a store with Voodoo Mom, saw this solid green bird and fell in love. It was a match when the store keeper opened the cage and encouraged me to put my finger in; he ran up my extended finger and up to my shoulder making it known that he'd like to be taken home. That was 12 years ago.

So what has this now red-headed parrot taught me? Quite a few things, some of them even relevant to this page.

1. Just because we don't talk doesn't mean we don't communicate. The truth is, we can't talk. Sentences, that is, but I know when to pick him up, and when to put him down. He communicates these things. He lets me know when he's displeased, just as I tell him. We play, laugh at things, sit quietly and also have fights, but those things are always openly known. What's a four letter word for intercourse? Talk. You dirty little minds. Not all communication is verbal, and even animals understand that.
2. Share and share alike makes for happy relationships. When I am eating, and he's in his cage, he will always scream until I let him out. Once he's out, he screams a little more until I share my food with him. More likely than not, he's a shoulder parrot; he likes to sit on my shoulder and eat. That always makes for tons of crumbs, but he's happy, and so am I. Sharing is a crucial element to a relationship, whether that mean sharing thoughts, words or beliefs, or something more simple like sharing food, time and the blankets.
3. Involve those you care about in aspects of your life. When I'm out and about in the house, cleaning, doing laundry, etc., sometimes he gets anxious because I leave his sight. I like to take him out and let him ride around the house on my shoulder while I'm doing tasks. I hate to think that his life is spent in his cage observing when he could be participating in life with me. Partners are important in one's life; they're not just the Other. I'm always amazed at how much some relationships are placed in separate comparments from other life's work.
4. A successful relationship will go through tough changes. Screech and I have had our ups and downs. When I moved out, he bonded with my dad. I would come home to visit, and Screech would snap at me and bite hard, as to show his anger. I would have to talk to him and tell him that even though I moved out, he was still a part of my life. You're thinking, right, you talk to your parrot. Yes I do, so call the loonybin already. Anyway, he seemed to understand that, and it helped things. He didn't bite me as much, but would still be pissy if I was late in saying hello to him. I had a boyfriend who always wanted life to be cushy and sweet. He never wanted to fight or be angry. You're thinking, who would?! Well, realistic relationships involve change and growth, both of which may or may not be easy. Sometimes there's moments of unease. It's how you get through those moments that really define your relationship.

I suppose you think I'm crazy, but I won't deny that my relationship with Screech is an important one to me. Now if only I could get him to stop crapping on me.

Peace and love,
Voodoo

posted by Voodoo Child @ 12:09 AM

Rub THIS

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that freakin' map!"

RIGHT!
Voodoo

posted by Voodoo Child @ 10:58 AM