The Big Aiyah: 04/01/2002

Friday, April 26, 2002

"Strange the wind can change so quickly without a word of warning" KD-Lang
So yesterday, I let A go. It was a strange sensation, but a sense of calm came over me. There's no more anxiety or anger or sadness at all, just logical sequences and consequences. I can't say that I don't feel strongly for him still because I still do, but it's time to let go.

I can feel the winds of change,
Tumultuous as they are,
Sweeping me away.
It's reminding me
Of the things I have to do
And the things I should have done.
A long time ago,
I resisted it's calling,
And I resented its truth.

I'm going to let the winds take me now
To wherever it wants me to go
I'm going to let you go.

Wednesday, April 24, 2002

mOOnCakE dIArIEs
Hey all you Aiyahs,
I did want to say thank you for all the words of advice and all the positive vibes! I definitely feel them :)
Yes, he did come knocking...
Yes, I did say no, another time maybe...
Life has been good so far, filling it up with all the other stuff I used to do... such as my own laundry! Haha!

I thought quite a bit about this whole issue... especially after reading Jerry's blog. I might be wrong, or this might be a sweeping statement, but I think it holds true to a certain extent: there's such a great fear of being hurt, that we run from situations where there's the slightest bit of commitment, intimacy and obligations. I know in my circumstance, I ran away from possible engagements for fear that I could not live up to someone else's expectations or be able to return the love they pledged to me. I wonder wonder wonder, if I will run from Mr. A, should he decide to change his mind, and my answer is a resounding, I don't fucking know. (of course I'm being a little too presumptuous here thinking that Mr. A will change his mind, but whatever... this is for the exercise of the mind and heart)

And for some reason, I wonder if Mr. A is in the very same position I described myself to have been in. Running from commitment, and running from intimacy... running from the fear that one of us might actually get hurt.

And put another way: are we risk averse when it comes to love and commitment? Have we come to depend so much on the guarantees that we have lost the pleasure of giving without thought and without care for reciprocity?

I'd hate to think that this is a lost cause only reserved for 16 year-olds, B-grade movies or Lifetime television network.

_mooncake

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

the enforcer's $.02 for mooncake
just wanted to say hang in there, mooncake. one of my good friends happend to fall for a "mr. A" too, and had a REALLY hard time getting over him. it's been about 5 months now for her, and even though she's cool doing her own thing she still seems to miss him.

but then she asks herself: "do i really miss him? or do i just miss being with someone?".

i agree w. voodoo. you were okay before he was there, and you will be okay without him. you have the right idea by taking your mind off things by going out and hanging out with good friends. explore that. explore yourself. figure out what you want to do for yourself and "just do it". what makes you happy? traveling? reading? writing? now is the time for you. figure out who you are without him, or anyone for that matter.

and you'd be ignoring him in the process, and maybe (according to boy wonder), he actually DOES start knocking on your door again, you'll be a lot stronger person to take his shiznit again, and say "you know what, i'm OVER you!" and pretty much slam the door on his fat "mr.A" face!!! -- oops sorry this was supposed to be positive...

*positive vibe positive vibe positive vibe*

at any rate, you get what i mean. hehe. =) hang in there.
the enforcer

Sunday, April 21, 2002

No offense Mooncake, but I keep reading blog after blog about relationships and the impact they cause. I’m finding it funny that with everything else that goes on in our respective lives, those pertaining to the heart cause us the most pain and suffering. We listen to LL Cool J’s “I need love” and instantly the lyrics apply.

Yet, when it’s not heart related we can handle. The friend that you used to hangout with everyday after high school or college that knew how to get on your last nerves is gone. That person who made a bad comment isn’t around. The friends that encircle your life now are those of good quality (and stock). In those situations we have the power to determine our own destinies and wants. Still, we would rather believe that there’s a tiny bit of fate, luck, and even the all mighty involved in choosing our mates. Why is that? Why can we easily give up a supposed friend at the drop of a dime, but when that girl/guy we were diggin on falls in favor, we can’t leave?

We know what is right and wrong. We know what we want and can generally accept. We try to use this as our guide in finding that “one”, if there is such a thing. Yet, as we mature and grow in age we loose the innocence of trying to rely on destiny. We start to “settle” for those that we perceive as less. Then, we find out more and more that the whole time we have let our guard down. That those of that were less are actually better than what we wanted in the first place. The “fine” guy/girl at the door isn’t as handsome or beautiful as the person on the phone. Simply, we have given them the chance to fall into our good graces over time.

I say over time because “chemistry” isn’t always found at the beginning of a relationship. Sometimes they have to be found over time, where time is inconsequential because we take the time to get to know them. That is probably why some relationships started first as friends.

We put up fronts that we think protect us from the very thing we are searching for. In our own ignorance we have “set ourselves up to fail”. As a youth our ignorance was like our emotions, fresh and new. As we mature, they are tempered by time and the experiences we had seen and felt. So as we grow older our ignorance of love is stifled. We no longer love with conviction from start instead we have to warm up to it.

Why did I write this piece? I need to contribute to the Big Ayah or else the Voodoo one would kick me off of the team. That and a little of me wonders could or would things be better if we ALL were a little bit more honest with one another and able to accept honesty?

Friday, April 19, 2002

mOOnCakE dIArIEs
Well, today being day 5 of cold turkey therapy, everything is going good. I made it through the last two days on the words of Voodoo and Boy Wonder. Thank you. Also went to a party last night and that was great. Lots of good food, good friends and no stress about the man.
You people on the Aiyah are wonderful.
Anyway, I have a huge paper to write and a presentation tomorrow and then it's off to wine country with friends.
_mooncake

Thursday, April 18, 2002

We Like 'em Bad

But the Good Ones always slip through our fingers. From experience, the worst thing that could happen is that you actually go through the experience and wind up a better, smarter person and move on without that Bad One. The even more worst (is there such a phrase?) thing is that you don't learn from it and go back to making the same mistake twice. Nothing is worse for the psyche than repeated mistakes, and these are the mistakes that go straight to your heart and head.

It's typical for many women, including myself, to hold on because "what am I going to do without him?"

Well, let's see, everything you were doing before he came around. It's that simple, really, but it's not, and that I totally understand. The truth is that you were fine before, and you'll be fine after. It's dealing with that initial onset of drama that would rather keep us from moving on. It's like methadone of love. You're hooked, but in order for you to get off heroin, you have to go to methadone, and next thing you know you're still dependent, but it's called something else.

Check in, get your little cup, gulp, and you're still an addict.

Going cold turkey is hard, cause I've done that before. But sometimes all it takes is the point at which you so succinctly say "I can do better." Yah you can, and the last I checked, you deserve far better than someone who can't give you want you want. Don't look at a guy's potential. It's always a lie. Look at him for what he is.

Your addiction.

Voodoo

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

A Guy's Perspective for Mooncake

This blog started as comment for Mooncake but I decided to ramble on. MC, it seems like you're trying to hold water in you're cupped hands but it keeps flowing out between your fingers. I hate to oversimplify a situation that's as challenging as yours, but I've been known to be right once in a while. Let me start by saying that the same factor that makes a good woman unable to leave a man (in this case, Mr. A) is the same factor that makes a man unable to stay with a good woman . It's a bigger problem than any one man because most of us men...we pursue that which retreats from us. We usually go for women that don't even give us the time of day because they are so elusive, more coveted and so we presume she has more value. And conversely, we retreat from that which pursues us or that which is readily available. Once we know its ours..the thrill of the conquest is gone and we want to move on.

So what's a woman to do?

I suggest that you resolve to yourself that he won't want you as long as you keep showing him that you're readily available.

In short, try and ignore him. It works like a charm on us guys..believe me. And even when we say "Oh, I know what she's doing... it ain't gon' work." That's bullshit, because it ALWAYS works. Ever notice that guys start coming back in you're life the moment you've decided to stop giving em attention? You should. We get used to that attention, we grow to like it and even start to expect it. The sudden absence of attention stimulus is such a gnawing void that our first reaction is to get it back. Thats about the time you get a phone call on your'e voicemail that goes "Oh, hi...its me, haven't talked to you in a while, call me."

Okay, so I think I've made my point here... and I KNOW that it's easier said than done but it makes sense. I don't know how you're gonna find a way to ignore him but I think the best way is to look at it this way: How much more are you gonna beat yourself up? You said so yourself "I can do so much better than this...".
If he's smart enough to sincerely want to be with you he will probably get the message... if he doesn't -- well, it was headed that way anyway wasn't it? Except this way, you don't linger around waiting for him to keep or break you're heart.

mOOnCakE dIArIEs
So yesterday, a girlfriend said to me, "women only want to date assholes. The nice boys are always left in the dust if they're not already taken. And then we wonder why we get treated like shit later on in the relationship."

I don't know what the deal is here, but I hear her and I have to agree with her. I'm stuck in the damned relationship trap here. If you read my earlier mooncake diaries, you'll see what I mean. I'm completely hung over this one guy who I know (and really really know) doesn't cut it for me and doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated. And yet, I can't get over it. I just can't.
I'm going through cold turkey therapy now and it really f***ing sucks.

And there in the background is someone who has all the right stuff and treats me over the top, and I just don't feel like kicking it with him at all....
Makes me wonder... I don't know what is wrong, if my brain is wired wrong or what.

Now I've asked myself if the reason why I can't get over Mr A. is cos of the L-word, but that's messed up in and of itself. I sound like one of those abused women who refuse to leave their wife beater husbands because they think it's love, and that it will someday all work out. Again, I repeat, that's messed up.

So what the hell am I doing in this unrational, illogical, unproductive relationship? And why the hell am I suffering so much from it?

Shite... I can do so much better than this...

I only have one thing to say:
no boys= no baseball= wtf am I going to do during the summer???????????

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

i got a new topic question

HOW DO YOU THINK THE WORLD WOULD BE IF THERE WOULD BE NO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?

okay, to make things interesting, let's get rid of the obvious, "well, you can't reproduce," and any other sexual urge type of statements...

Here is what it would be if there were no women here:

1. There would be no need for us men to work, we'd just revert back to the barter/trade system... want beer, gimme something else...

we wouldn't work cause what would be the point?... i mean, we get money for one thing, you women thinkin lobster? hmph, i'm thinkin burger king... we buy some expensive stuff just to impress you women... men work for money because the more of it, means power and women are attracted to power and money... nice armani suits, benzes, lexuses, mansions etc... if no women, no more money!... we'd just live in a tent watching football dammit...

2. There would be less wars... We wouldn't fight over you women... ask Helen of Troy and Cleopatra if i'm wrong...

3. ask Edward if he'd abdicate his thrown to the English Crown if there wasn't a woman to make him choose...

4. ask Ferdinand Marcos if there would be a difference in his tarnished image if Imelda didn't go over the top and have 5000+ shoes...

5. and last but not in the least, we men would still be in Paradise if that Eve chick didn't bite into that apple and connive Adam in doing so... but nooooo... she had to and since then, we had to cover up with clothes and be all self conscious of our height, career, money and of our "endowments"... he even gave up a rib for that trick...

women, can't live with them--the end...

The Object of My Affection

As of late, you do not know me, nor do you hear me, but I'm here, somewhere waiting. It's hard to be patient, this I know for a fact, after long hours of debating on whether or not to step up, or to step back. My preference would be to step aside entirely and watch the rest of the world go by me while I stand perfectly still and let go. I'd almost rather not try because it makes the supposed evitable possible inevitably making it again possible for the realization that it's you, and no one else.

I don't suppose it would be clearer if I said it.

So I am going to leave it at this, the object of affection: the shadows possess my secret and guard it; the light sings a song for you in the trees; and I know you'll figure it out sooner or later.

Voodoo

Monday, April 15, 2002

Went to the INCUBUS show on Sunday night...they ended their encore with this song. It is so WORTH listening to, just read the lyrics.

"Aqueous Transmission" by Incubus

I’m floating down a river
Oars freed from their holes long ago
Lying face up on the floor
Of my vessel
I marvel at the stars
And feel my heart overflow

Further down the river

Two weeks without my lover
I’m in this boat alone
Floating down a river named emotion
Will I make it back to shore?
Or drift into the unknown

Further down the river

I’m building an antenna
Transmissions will be sent
When I am through
Maybe we can meet again
Further down the river
And share what we both discovered
Then revel in the view

Further down the river

I’m floating down a river

I'm list happy today. In honor of VC putting me in charge of the side lists (feel free to help me out)
Here's a few clues that a movie sucks major ass.

1. The storyline has to do w/ an "extreme sport." Trailer narration begins "In a world where oar-less river rafting reigns supreme, Cody and Dylan were the best --until that is they meet their match....!"
2. Freddie "the Prinze of bad movies" gets top billing.
3. It's a teen parody which is parody of a slasher flick parody.
4. The storyline involves Van Damme having a twin brother.
5. Van Damme gets top billing.
6. Dennis Rodman gets second billing.
7. Any Kevin Costner movie that is NOT "Dances with Wolves".
8. It has 1or more actors named Corey.
9. The outrageous plot twist in the last fifteen minutes involves a) a dream sequence b) A virtual reality machine that, er... simulates a dream sequence.
10. The entire production had Mariah Carey's stamp of approval.

The Boy Wonder
I think # 9 deserves its own list, don't you?

hm. you know what? you ARE right.

ppl do think im working as i stare at this.

the enforcer

mOOnCakE dIArIEs
4-15-02
hi A,
this feels like an obsession, but it’s my way of talking to you. There never seems to be a right time to talk about this, but this feels just right- simply writing out my thoughts this way.
Do you know what my favorite part of the day is? It’s when we fall asleep together and we’re holding each other. I can feel you breathing and hear your sleepy sighs. Sometimes I open my eyes to watch you sleep. You have an intense look of concentration, almost as if sleep did not come naturally to you and you have to think really hard to achieve that level of relaxation. How ironic. What are you thinking of I wonder?
Sometimes you fall asleep while you’re still inside of me. I don’t think I’ve felt closer to anyone- the intimate sensation of two bodies intertwined with each other, inside with each other, asleep with each other- there must be a word that describes it, but I cannot think of one now.
_mooncake

Awright now playas, I think I got it fixed....there might be a few errant ?'s left over, and I had to unfortunately reset my comments. Hope that's okay with you. Boy Wonder is going to run the lists on the sidebar there, and if you have any lists you'd like to make, email them to me.

BLOG away my childrens!
Voodo

Sunday, April 14, 2002

K, this is a work in progress, and I am going to work on it more later...it's a beautiful day, and there's laundry to do. Keep checking! IN a meanwhile, the comments will be down for a bit.

Voodoo

New Site Design

Tell me what you think...I thought it was time for change ;-)

Voodoo

Friday, April 12, 2002

mOOnCakE dIArIEs
4-12-02
Dear A,
I haven’t written in 4 days. I suppose that’s a good thing huh? I think it’s a good thing for me because it means I’m not obsessing over you as much as I thought I was. Or am I really?
Yesterday I saw M. He seemed mad at me. And by all means, he probably should be, after all I shunned his affection for yours. He’s faithful, sincere, talented, smart (ivy league graduate and all), catholic… really what could I possibly not like about him? And yet, all I want is you. What does that say?
I know what it says. Because every time I see M, I am reminded that I am not happy with you. I put up with a lot for you. I try to understand as much as I can why you do the things you do, and why you don’t do the things you don’t do. I try to understand why you cannot show me how much you care, and I try to be indifferent to everything that you do as well.
And yet I still want to do all that for you. Sometimes I say to myself, that my affection is mine to give and that I don’t expect anything back for it. Sometimes it really doesn’t matter, for the pleasure is from giving itself. But sometimes I wonder, when you don’t share. Is there someone else you share this with? And many times it hurts. It hurts deep down inside.
_mooncake

The Lyrics

Women thrive on emotions, men refuse to acknowledge
So when we arguin' nobody win
Words get in the way time and again
Sticks and stones break your bones words break your heart
Whether you in touch with that part or not say "word"
Words are weapons for the revolutionary
Used for evil make the situation very scary
Word up, but love is brave
It flies in the face of fear
Yo, wherever you want to go love'll take you there
Let's go, you know a flower that grow in the ghetto
Know more about survival than the one from fresh meadows
It got love for the sun, that's where I'm coming from

--from Talib Kweli, "Love Language."

I guess you can say that Aiyah is changing up a bit, moving into a more spontaneous sort of dialogue about things, so HOPEFULLY it will stay fresh, provide you with some insight, and allow the writers and the readers to contribute on the fly. Give me feedback. Let me know if it's dope or what.

Voodoo

Thursday, April 11, 2002

The Dating Life, Cliff's Notes Style

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

Yah, I got this off an email, and I expect to hear it from the fellas. Let it be known that it doesn't apply to every single guy out there. But I wanted to share for a laugh.

Don't worry men, I still have faith in you ;-)
Voodoo

Do you mean Pinkerton Security?

Hey, those of you who have no idea what Moon Cake is talking about (and there are a few, god love you), Pinkerton is the Captain's name in Madame Butterfly.

Do the math.
Voodoo

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

The Pinkerton Syndrome
We used to call it the Pinkerton Syndrome where I come from. Girls who date white boys have it- the pinkerton syndrome. The idea was that these girls thought that the local boys weren't good enough so they had to go date outside their race.
I think it's an issue with the older generation- my parents that is. I know my Mr. Right doesn't look Chinese or Asian, my relatives will talk... and that's kinda what my parents are afraid of.
And then two years ago, I almost married Mr. HongKong, who admittedly left me weeping many a night and I confided in my parents. I know they were happy with him race-wise, but finally realized that that wasn't what mattered. My mother said, never ever put up with that shit again.
Well, I haven't. I'm dating white now, so I suppose my countrymen and women will say I have gotten the Pinkerton Syndrome... seriously, it never bothered me until someone told me straight in the face that Pinkerton includes the characteristic of being non-virgin, sleep around slut.

And then I remembered I was looking for love, not virgins, not bloodtype, skintype or race... and so should my man.

Monday, April 08, 2002

hehe, buff bagwell... LOL

oh boy, i've missed many-a-posts... =P

back from aiyah hiatus - the race card again?
my first boyfriend was chinese. and my parents were cool with that. but that was in high school and they pretty much wanted me to buckle down w. school and not get so involved w. then boyfriend. we broke up in college and i dated other ppl. then enter filipino boyfriend, which i believe they were happy with (since even now after all this time that we've broken up, i still think they want us to get back together [the stereotypical "oh he's a doctor, he's a good one for you." uh. yeah mom, you like him that much, then YOU marry him.]), and since then it's date here and there, hapa, to latino, to hapa, to filipino, to caucasian, and everyone in-between.

but it all comes down to what voodoo said, light = good, dark = not so good (although i've never brought caucasian guy i was "seeing" [i use that term very loosely] home to the 'rents). oh boy but now that i think about it, my mom always has something to say about ANY guy (whether he is filipino, hapa, asian, latino) i bring home. =P my mom is critical like that. uh, i digress...

it bugs me tho, how some ppl judge the mixed race couple. most of the time, if i see a mixed race couple (or any couple for that matter), i just think "oh, they look good together" or "ick, what does s/he see in him/her?" [whoa, im so mean. but i'm single, humor me]. leave them be, the arent hurting you. they must have found something in each other, otherwise they wouldnt be together! which is great, more power to them that they found someone they can spend their time with. maybe im just being naive, or color blind as they say, but we live in a culturally diverse area, the Bay area. it's very common to see many mixed race couples.... besides, they will probably have cute kids! ;)

but even in the philippines, there is a form of "racism" and sterotypes there, in terms of the province you grew up or even the family you're associated with:

"oh, she's pampanguena? dont go out with her, they are known for being this and that..... " or
"oh, he's related to so and so -- they have a tendency to gamble away all your money and have affairs"

uh. yeah. it's already hard enough to meet someone you want to be with. damn those stereotypes.

just be.
the enforcer

Steppin' up to You

My bro, Buff Bagwell, used to tease me when I used to date other guys who weren't Filipino...Threw out some lyrics from an Ice Cube song called "Be True to the Game"..see the comments on Mista J's last blog. It's like I wasn't being true to who I was and what my family wanted because I wasn't dating someone who was Filipino.

Every now and then I'd get the Eyes from Filipino men and women who would see me and my significant other. The Eyes that say, "Oh man, there goes another one off the ship." or "What's up with that?" or "Watering down the blood." You think I don't notice that, but the truth is I do, and it's painful. What's worse is when I used to go out with Brothas and the Sistas (you do the math, you're smart, you know who I'm talkin' about) would say shit to me out loud, "Hell, save some for us!" and "That's why there are no more good black men for us." My ex asked me once if I noticed that people would point us out and stare us down. Yah I noticed. Yah. I sure did.

There is a hierarchy of who it's cool to date in my culture. I notice that Mom and Dad don't mind if he's Filipino. Perfect. They don't mind if he's Chinese. Not perfect, but close enough. They don't mind if he's Asian, period. Bring a Latino guy home, not first choice, but alright. Bring a brotha home, oh hell. Don't even think about it. But if I bring home a haole guy, it's ALL good. It's wierd like that, that kind of racist thinking from the old school. It's kind of a leftover colonial mentality that's hanging over my head. Light = good. Dark = bad.

I think they're okay with it now, to be honest, but they treat me different if he's not what THEY hope he should be. I'd like for my parents to be happy with who I choose to be with, but I'll admit that it does influence me in my decision making.

But I'll tell you one thing: I hardly ever see Asian guys step up. I don't know why. What's up with that?

Bring it on, fellas.
Voodoo

Sunday, April 07, 2002

MAKES ME GO HMMMM...

ASSumptions, stereotypes and double-standards... yeah i guess... sue me... here's my take on my last question regarding the white guy/flip girl phenomenon...

there was this situation a while back during the guess jean short wearin motownphillys back again days where i met a ~~cracka~~ er, white dude named chase

now this dude and i are pretty cool... we kick it once every so often... goin to a bar and down some beers (white dudes love beer don’t they?) and hang out with people he knew… I met some of his boys and just talked smack about basketball… I immediately thought, man, Kofi Annan would be proud of us right now… almost all major ethnic groups are represented here but were of course, out numbered by the blue-eyed variety…

an asian lady then jubilantly joined us and chase introduced me to this girl as his woman, a pretty brown skinned filipina named mariTESS or mariLYNN… take your pick… it doesn’t matter anyway since I changed their names…

admittedly, I was all "hmmmm.... there goes another one... must've gotten her through mail-order... gaddammit"... then i'd usually think next: "there goes another filipina coconut wanting to 'improve' her progeny"... kiss my ass sista… fuckin sellout… to each his/her own… I guess…

now I always try to make it a point to know and relate with every Filipino/a I come to meet… yet this flip chick at first didn’t give me the time of day (could maritess be derived from Martes? The Spanish word for Monday?… another thing I gotta confirm for anther time)..it wasn’t like I was trying to get at her, she’s my friend’s girl and I was diggin another girl anyway… she just said hello and just went on being flirtatious with the other fellas… didn’t want to know shit about me… oh well… guess I was too brown for her time… kiss my ass sista… I had enuff problems and she wasn’t gonna be one… gimme some of that st. paulie’s girl… and pass the bud-causeitmakesme-wiser….

yet after a few more happy hours with chase and tess/lynn… we got to know each other more… turns out she’s pretty cool and she thought me to be pretty cool too… she even admitted to me that she doesn’t have Filipino american guy friends cause she thought of us as arrogant, pretentious fools because we were born here…

touche’

Wednesday, April 03, 2002

FOLLOW UP

okay, here is a quick follow up question to my last blogg.... what are your initial feelings when you see a person of the same ethnicity as yourself, with a person of a different one? i. e.: a flip girl with a white guy? or vice versa (which is very rare... unless i paid for her, it doesn't even come close to the flip girl/white guy thing right?)

Why I Like Filipinas (and Phoebe Cates)

I have this theory that Filipino males under 30 never really get over their initial crush on Phoebe Cates, they just gotta bear it 'til they die. Conversely, their affection for Phoebe is as strong as their disdain for Kevin Kline, the lucky bastard who married her. For me, it was more than just her infamous pool scene in Amy Heckerling's classic FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH which placed her square in the center of my boyhood crushes. It wasn't just because she went topless and it wasn't just because she seduced me as as she got out of the pool. For me, it was because she looked so beautiful and more importantly she looked so very FILIPINA. I've always been attracted to Filipina women and I suppose I always will prefer to be with one. I guess partly by choice and partly by default. It's my choice because I can date whoever I want but by default because since I grew up around Filipina women the traits I want are probably most visible in them. There are many beautiful women of all races, but for me, I want my beautiful woman to be Filipina. That's my choice. But I don't know if it's my choice with whom I fall in love. I guess I used my torch for Phoebe and my dislike for Kevin as an example of how much really do love Pinays. I dislike Kevin not because I think he's a bad person, I dislike Kevin because I feel like he took a beautiful Filipina woman away. I feel like Phoebe belongs with US the same way I feel all Pinays belongs with us. The way I feel Filipinos belong with Filipinas. It's selfish, utterly unrealistic and illogical but I think that its a loyalty that we all share with our respective ethnicity. But when two people are attracted , no matter how different they are, that loyalty goes to shit. I'm pretty conscious of the fact we can fall in love with anyone. But until fate steers me elswhere, I know where I belong.

Oh Boy! Wonder

The Big Aiyah