The Big Aiyah: 03/01/2002

Saturday, March 30, 2002

There are more colors to the rainbow than the ones you can see

In my life, I've dated around the world. Latinos, Filipinos, African Americans, White dudes (can't say "white" gotta say "white dudes"), etc. I didn't go around making choices by ethnicity, it just sort of happens. I didn't even start dating Filipino men until I was 25. Seems like such a short time ago. More about that in a bit.

I have dated enough to know that there are benefits to dating someone within your cultural group. You don't have to explain certain cultural peculiarities. "Oh that's balut. Oh that's chocolate meat. What does it contain? You don't want to know." There are also negatives about dating someone from within. "You're my aunt's in-law's cousin's nephew twice removed? Oh we can't date." or "My mom says I can't date you because your mom looked at my mom crazy when they were in high school together and we have some fucked up blood feud going on." I'm being facetious, of course, but there are negatives.

Dating outside your group helps you figure out who you are, culturally and emotionally because norms are different, and when comparing norms, you see your way of looking at the world in a different light. Not that you should run out and date someone who's different if you're looking to improve yourself, like dating for self-discovery. But I can honestly say that I've learned a lot about how the rest of the world sees me and the way I live my life from dating other ethnic groups. But all color lines aside, it comes down to becoming a better person because that person serves as your mirror. You would be surprised at how different cultures may seem outwardly different, but they are incredibly similar to your own.

So to the dating Filipino men bit...I used to not gravitate toward Filipino guys, well, because they simply didn't gravitate towards me. I was always the "bro." My bro calls me bro. I don't get it. Anyways, so that left me to date others. Then I started to narrow things down. He had to be Filipino. Well, how about Asian. Well, how about someone who is willing to learn about my culture and let me learn about his, and we mutually acculturate? In all honesty, I would love to date a Filipino guy, but I know that it comes down to, how DOWN they are for you, no matter what ethnicity. Be he Chinese, French, American, whatever. Yah, whatever.

I could spend the rest of my life looking for someone just like me, but then again, there already is one me, so why get a matching set? I'm the kind of girl who likes mismatched furniture, so let the games begin. Now accepting applications.

The equal opportunity lover,
Voodoo

Friday, March 29, 2002

Romantic Inclinations of the Ethnically Diverse.

Hi all, the Sweet Swine chimes in once again for another Blog. During my high school and early college years I was dead set on only going out with women of the same race, in my case it was a chinese girl. The availability pool was pretty damn small, so by my latter college years, I had changed my focus to asians only, particularly east asian women. Went out with a girl of taiwanese decent and had a somewhat undefined relationship with a girl of thai backgrounds. After college, as most of you would admit, the availability pool dwindles exponentially. So in my search for a post-academic relationship, I found my paths cross when I went out with a Korean girl whom I went out with. After we parted ways, I dated a cambodian girl and a girl from china. Another very brief ambiguous relationship ensued with a girl of Malaysian ilk. My next relationship finds me with a really cool japanese happa girl. That went well for a while...then we called it off. Recently I dated women of korean and chinese decent once again but have yet to find "the one". So given my background of dating women of various ethnicities, I can't say I am inclined to stick to women of my own race. I think it's more a fact of who do you feel you are compatible with? And who can you learn the most from?

In my opinion, relationships (pardon the cheesy over-used description) is all about give-and-take. If you can find someone who cares for you and you for them, have similar qualities and interests, but still be so different that you can take a lifetime to learn from them, that is the best kind of relationship to be in. So I guess in my quest to find Ms. Right, it's all good to be emotionally compatible, but she has got to be able to intellectually teach me a few things so that we don't both grow old and stupid. And what better way to do that than to learn about a person's whole different culture? I heard somewhere that America is a melting pot of diversity...in due time, all the colors of diversity will blend into one shade of gray.

Some people enjoy the comforts of knowing they fit in because ethnically and culturally they are the same. Others enjoy the challenges of trying to learn and attempt to fit in. I see the positives and negatives of both. Me? I'm the one looking like the awkward white guy trying very hard but feebly fumbling a pair of wooden rods they call chopsticks. But I'm asian too so you can't call me a fetisher. I'm just diverse.

Pork Honey

THE GIRLS, THE GIRLS THEY LOVE ME--heavy d.

the voodoo child has graciously asked that i post this week’s question…

okay sunshines, are you inclined or better yet, are you more interested in a partner of the same ethnicity as yourself? why are why not?

i love women of all races--asians (tera patrick), white girls (angelina jolie), latinas (j.lo), whatever… as long as they are good, cute, sweet, passionate, have a strong attitude and intelligent, then they have my special attention… shit, even if they don’t have all that, i’m usually flapping my wings and beating my chest their way already, so to speak…

however i do gravitate more to asians women, filipina americans in particular… for me, i am just more in tune with people who look more and act more like me…

my dream girl would be a beautiful flip woman who would most likely have the same hopes, dreams and expectations as i do… just because we came from the same basic culture there seems to be a better chance of having a commonality of goals per se…

but, where is my dream girl at?… where the fuck is she already?... not here… why am i single still?… huh, i just answered myself… by only concentrating on one particular type of woman, in my case a flip woman, i’m limiting myself to one particular demographic… and its getting smaller… and i'm getting older...

all the best flip girls around my age are taken!.. either married or committed in a long term relationship, screwed up by a dumbass, or have a gang of kids already… arrrghh… or even, their expectations of a man are too high (or should i say height?)!... oh well, holla at me youngin!

maybe i’m just destined (beyonce') not to be with a flip girl… maybe my dream girl is just that.. a dream… i need a real girl… as the uncle L says, an around the way girl…

its time that i broaden my horizons… start dating more girls of different backgrounds… i’ve never dated a white girl before… maybe i should ask her now since she’s free!… geeah!... i'll give you all the details after i get with her! peACE!

Monday, March 25, 2002

A Fine Friend Story

[note: if you're my friend is reading this now, i hope you don't mind me sharing this story. correct me if i get this wrong, okay?]

When I was in college, I had a fine friend. And can I tell you that we started as good friends, and pretty much had a good relationship at that. We were seeing other people, yet were able to just kick it every now and then as college folks do. As I got to know him more, I started to get this vibe from within that "Hey, this guy is pretty cool." That soon grew to, "Wow, he's awesome." Then in a few short instances, it turned into "Shit, I think I like him."

I had to turn that off. There was no way I was going to jeopardize our friendship. And I was pretty sure that he wasn't feeling that way. A few years go by, and guess what, there's a candle burning. All the guys I went out with, he was my benchmark. All the people I would ever consider spending quality time with, he was the model. Yet I wouldn't cross that line, until three years after we met.

I had mustered up enough nerve and backbone to spill my guts. We were to sit together at a dinner, where I knew neither one of us had dates. The time came for our seatings, and he walks in. With a date. I was devastated. I told my friends. I told my roommates. I practiced, I pondered, I spent a good amount of the day psyching myself up for that moment. They all knew that I was going to profess this whole love thing tonight. All of it didn't matter at that point. I had to let it go right then and there, no chance of going back, I said to myself. It's probably a sign (I'm big into signs) that I need to just let it go. Suffice it to say, I was a wreck. It's that helpless feeling, Mista J and I discussed earlier this evening, that you are given a situation that you can't do jack about but you are moved so completely by it, like a leaf in some stream. You flow, but can't do anything about it.

Years passed.

After not seeing each other much, but keeping in touch in little ways, we ran into each other at a dinner. And all of a sudden, through the floodgates, everything came back. All those sugary sweet feelings of warmth that seem to pervade your pores and settle there in some sort of strange glow. But this time it was different, it was that detached affection that I knew wouldn't go anywhere. It just was. And it was then that I told him about that college crush, and the missed opportunity, and that being said it was gone.

Did I miss anything by not taking a chance earlier? Did I perhaps change something that was meant to be? I don't know. I don't ask those kinds of questions these days. It's a part of my past. I'm very happy to still have him in my life as a friend, that's it. My fine friends now (of which there are quite a few, not necessarily FINE nor UGLY, but that's all subjective isn't it)? I guess I can say I'd probably play it the same way. Some of the brothas in my life are just so wonderful, and I know they'd make wonderful boyfriends. To someone else.

All love, and all Voodoo.

the no fly zone (revised version 2)

yes i have a few friends here and there…. yes i have female friends… are any of them really fine?.. hell yeah!… why do you think i’m friends with them in the first place?… i only have a couple of ugly ass friend left… don’t worry though, soon i’m gonna dump them ugly morlocks!.. hehehe..

all joking aside, i definitely have some gorgeous female friends that just knocks me stupid crazy… have i ever considered breaking the friend barrier and move on to the next, more romantic level? of course!…

i have considered it quite a few times… have i actually gone through that route of flying into the no-fly zone?… well, yes and no…

yes i’ve tried to take it to the next level a long while ago and it backfired… i’m still lickin my wounds man… and i regret that that friendship was the dreaded casualty…

and no, i really haven’t tried since then… why?.. i dunno.. i guess that the last experience really defeated me… and it became my favorite mistake… weird huh?… why haven’t i moved on from it?… i think i have, no, i did move on, but i’m just more cautious… maybe that’s why i haven’t met my true love yet… or have i? i’m afraid of losing another friend… especially one i know i really liked a lot… but do i need more friends?

we all know we learn from mistakes and try not to do the same mistakes again… what better, more assured way to avoid mistakes than by not going anywhere something that even resembles it again?… dayaam, now by writing this, i’m seeing the mistake i’m presently making…

(on a side note, let me tweak that question a bit… does it matter if the person is pretty or more normal looking?… i mean, can’t we have pretty friends?.. sure we can… can’t we have ugly friends sure we can… and can’t we break that barrier with a less than cosmo-looking person and end up lovers?… sure we can…. can't we?)

but breaking the no-fly zone… would i do it again?… at this point in my life, i just don’t know… i’m kinda goin thru that right now… should i go for it and at least try? or should i not and assure some kind of platonic relationship?… that’s the friggin question that’s buggin me soul man…
guess i gotta try huh?… be like nike and “just do it”… l be ike what yoda said: “there is no try, just do”

man, this question bugged me all weekend... what a question to write about... i don't even know if i made sense!... forgive me if this didn’t say anything helpful… i’m just caught in this very question right now in my life and i am still lookin for some answers… i’m confused… but i at least wrote about it!… hmmm… is this in itself giving me a hint in what i should do? aaiiiyyyaaah man!.. putaaaaaaaaa!!!… go look in your filipino/american dictionary… or even a spanish one!…

ya'lll giving me some soul exercise... much love ya'll... the fool with an attitude aka, mister j., aka fredogg, aka dayaam im good, punk, asshole, bitchass, he aint shit is glad to be back!

Sunday, March 24, 2002

WARNING

Everyone has had the overwhelming to urge to jump their fine friend's bones from time to time. I have these momentary flashes of sexual attraction but I often just resist them because I know they are fleeting. Fine friends should come with a little label that says WARNING TO FRIEND: Should you try to get it on with this fine boy/ girl and he/ she rejects you, do not whine to friends about how you are sorry you ruined this friendship. Dumbass." While I can't deny that my friend is good looking, she's probably just my friend for a good reason. I'm sure if you think hard enough you'll remember the reason why you're fine friend is just a friend. For me, I know that my fine friend is just a friend because she has certain personality traits that I'm not too crazy about. I would hate to be reminded of those traits after we done did the deed.

Sir Wonder Van Holla

Friday, March 22, 2002

Befriend or not to Be Friend?

I'll have to say that with me, I have two zones. There's a friend zone and there's a romantic interest zone. People fall into one or the other. Obviously the friend zone will be a lot more populated than the romantic interest zone. I think it is possible to move from one zone into another but the directions to which this transfer is made is only one directional. I believe if you have deposited someone into the friend zone, you cannot move them into the romantic interest zone. But a person from the romantic interest zone can eventually move into the friend zone. But here's the kicker, if you have someone from the romantic interest zone who moved into the friend zone, that person can revert back into the romantic interest zone. But if a person from the friend zone has no prior residential records of the romantic interest zone, then they can't move there. Ok, now have I confused and lost all our readers yet? =P It's a rather simple concept really. Charon ferries the boat, Ceberus guards the gate. Pink slips and eviction notices with the option to appeal are sometimes issued in the romantic interest zone. The friend zone is a port town with open commerce. Fin.

It's like Pork and Honey. It just goes.

Thursday, March 21, 2002

Confidential to Moon Cake

Skip the last post...

I have to tell you this: there are times when action is necessary, however, our capacity to act seems to fail us. Simply enough, we aren't able to move forward with the things we need to do. Do I blame you? No. Do I think you're weak? No. Do I think maybe you're screwy? No. You are being, what we so commonly say in passing speech, only human.

I feel it needs to be said at some juncture that relationships are what we make them. Not in the sense that the outcome is per our input, but what we believe them to be sustains them despite reality. How does the saying go: "If you don't like someone, the way he holds his spoon will make you furious; if you do like him, he can turn his plate over into your lap and you won't mind." (Irving Becker). Our rose colored glasses are also distorted lenses through which the world as we wish it to be exists. Take them off, and even the littlest things turn into demons.

What to do? I couldn't tell you, my dear. So much needs to be worked through, and that's all on you. If you must, consider this: relationships are good if and only if it's a two way street in which our expectations of the other are gladly met by the other, and vice versa. Relationships work if both people are commited to making it work. If a pinky, and most of you have no clue about what I'm talking about, but that's to be expected in this situation, were to come into between you, then it's time to rethink what you hold so dear.

It's hard to let go of something that you should let go of. In retrospect, it's not life afterwards that sucks, it's the moment at which you let someone go. After that, you are free to live your life as you see fit. That is, of course, if you let yourself.

Confidential to The Enforcer

To dwell in possibility is a happy place. However, to dwell in a possibility that has 100% no basis in reality is torturous. Telling a person straight up how you feel about them isn't easy, nor is it desirable if you know you're going to cause some damage. But in the end, the truth shall be the thing that saves you both. Saves you from the burden of pretending, and saves him from the burden of carrying a torch (those things ARE heavy, honey).

I will mention this one last time, and then I'll let it go. Even though the Insecurity Guard pretty much threw my life into a loop of hell for the last year, I have respect for him because he told me exactly what he wanted albeit it was a shitty situation. He told me he wasn't into the relationship. Period. So I refuse to have anyone around that isn't happy here, so I let him go. It hasn't been easy, but at least he was honest enough with me to tell me.

He's still a prick, but hey, he was honest, remember.

Take the guy outta his misery. He's burning a torch that's going to keep burning as long as you give him hope. I'm not saying destroy his hope, but just let him know how it is.

Confidential to Me

A fine friend is someone that you're attracted to, yet you don't feel like you should go there. It's hard to not want someone openly, but sometimes a friendship can handle the honesty. If I were to tell someone I liked him more than just friends, it can be a positive thing even if he doesn't feel the same way. Now I know, I move onto the next victim. That's basically it.

Would I consider it? Certainly, however, sometimes my affections for another run so deep, I'm rendered speechless. And you know that's something if I'm silent. I've actually told guy friends how much I've cared about them, and they didn't feel the same, but hey, let's just be friends. I'm cool with that. I respect that.Guys have even approached me in that way, and I didn't feel the same. Maybe in time it'll grow. Maybe it won't. The point is, sometimes it's cool to risk it, sometimes it's not. Do I take that chance? Honestly? I probably won't, my life has taught me that I fall in love too easily.

More often than not, I'll read into a guy's signals, and if he's not vibing me back, then I'll just back off. But if he's throwing signs back to me, then it's going to help me move out of my shell and make the contact. So guys out there, have faith, there's some love for ya. Might not be where you expect it, but there's love. Lots of it.

Peace,
Voodoo

[update: yah, there are a few fine friends in my life now, but they'll never know, not if I can help it.]

Sunday, March 17, 2002

You're Fine Friend. Oh Yah, You're Fine.

Okay I have yet another question: Say you have a fine friend. Yah, they're FINE. You'd even consider breaking the friend barrier in order to move it to the next level. Question is: do you? and if yes/no, why?

And this is NOT, I repeat, NOT in any reference to any particular friend of mine. Much to your dismay. ;-)

Like Madonna sez, justify my love,

Voodoo

Thursday, March 14, 2002

Pack yer bags -- we're going on a guilt trip...

As the Voodoochild knows, my exposure to caucasian-american sexuality can be summed up by the PORKY's movies and any of the GIRLS GONE WILD dvds. Suffice it to say, my scope of the all-american sexual rites of passage, not including humping an apple pie, is pretty narrow. I'm pretty sure that the speedy casual sex thing is not exclusive to white americans, I think its just way more common. It's not necessarily a bad thing so much as it is different. Americans in general, value their freedomand are very individualistic people. (Warning: crackpot theory ahead) They don't harbor as much residual guilt over casual sex bceause their individualistic nature allows them to be free of the social stigma that we often associate with it. Our asian culture attaches different social restraints to sex and our loyalty to family desires over our own individual desires further complicates things. I guess it seems that caucasian-americans can engage and disengage from intimacy way faster than we can or would even like. Even though some of us have rushed too fast into sex by our own standards I doubt that we could do it regularly without being guilt-ridden.
Where does right and wrong play into the quick hook-up? I don't know. But --what I DO know is that mom dukes and dear old pops (God rest his soul) didn't raise this boy to be about that bizness. It don't take much to realize that hookin' up too fast and too often cheapens the value of true intimacy and leads to more heartache than happiness. I'm not gonna front and say there's not an exhilirating thrill to it all because there is. But I should hope that there's more to sex than just a quick thrill. Me and my folks don't see eye to eye on many things, but I'll have to stick with them on this one.

Da Boy Wundah

Monday, March 11, 2002

the enforcer's $.02
is it just me -- an asian woman brought up w. moral values -- that's not used to the whole, "let's just f*uck" mentality?!? granted i did have fuzzy relationship at one point, but it was an ongoing one-on-one thing -- we werent with anyone else.

i feel you voodoo, tho, on the whole shock factor: "you just met me and all you want to do now is buck!?!?! wtf?!" hm, maybe if you're down for that at the time, but after a while, just the sex is not all that it's cracked up to be. maybe it's cuz i'm a closet romantic....

i have been propositioned before, by a caucasian member of the opposite sex. what threw me for a loop was the whole, "yeah, i have a girlfriend, but it dont matter, i still want to have sex w. you."

"uh. gee, feeling quite flattered, let me think for a second... NO."

i mean, what gives him the right to think he can have his cake and eat it too? =P not sure if it was because i was asian and he was infatuated w. the whole "exotic" thing. but i was rather annoyed at the fact that he thought he could do that, esp since he's "done that before" -- slept w. someone else, while he was with his girl. dont people value monogamous relationships anymore? i know i do. maybe it was his way, where he was in his relationship life, what he was feeling, his emotional baggage, etc, etc, that made him proposition me, but i'd like to think ppl were brought up to respect other ppl, esp when it comes to sex and intimacy. i just dont throw down like that.

but im all for equal opportunity, just make sure we're riding the same wave when it comes to monogamy, respect, values, and morals.

the enforcer

Wednesday, March 06, 2002

Between Lemon Meringue and Green Tea
The best description for dating white and asian is like eating lemon meringue pie and drinking green tea. They don't go together, and they're completely two seperate things, but they're hella good for different occasions.
The Lemon Meringue:
Really sweet, and melts in your mouth when made right. Just the right shade of white and tan and lemon custard inside that oozes out when you sink into it. Your body tingles and your taste buds are aroused with the tangy taste and you want more. But, you remind yourself, that it's a dessert. It's just one course of the entire meal. You can't have too much of it and you need to end it. And even if you did, you couldn't. It's a pie and you ultimately end up sharing it with someone else.
The Green Tea:
Warm and comforting accompaniment to any meal. Always there when you need it, especially on a cold night when the rain is beating down: the aroma of a fresh pot of green tea brewed fills the kitchen and you are immediately comforted and satiated simply by its scent. You wish there were more days like these, but you know there aren't. Come summer when the sun is out and there's fun and excitement to be explored outside the confines of your home, green tea will be left in the larder only to wait for another cold rainy night.

Monday, March 04, 2002

Racy

I made the acquaintance of a White guy recently, and I was somewhat amused to watch his approach to the Meet and Mate Phenomenon. Well, it started out as amused, then it turned into absolute freaked out. I however, cannot contend that this is, shall we say, a White thing. But it sure doesn't help to have had other peeps of the melanin challenged Other to perpetrate...

At any rate, I posed this question solely because I had this inkling that we, as in the Asian "we", or at least I've never met any, that are into that whole throw down for throwing down's sake. I've heard of casual FTF, Friends that F-- you know. And that's what Tyler Durden (the White dude in question) wanted from me. I was somewhat taken aback. I mean, he didn't just want this later on after he got to know me, but he wanted to do this just for the sake of doing it. Within five minutes, he wanted to throw down.

And in 5 minutes and 12 seconds I was saying to myself, "WTF!" (the extra 10 seconds were for me to pick up my jaw from the ground and wipe it off).

Dating men from different backgrounds has given me some cultural perspectives on sex and other indoor sports apropos different cultures. Some guys just put out at the drop of a hat. Others try to coerce you into it. But is that cultural? I don't know. But some of it is, I think. It's certainly a looser expectation around the area of sex (uncommitted sex is okay, multiple partners are okay, and kissing other people while in a relationship is okay, shit like that). And it's also a real strange in that they expect you to subscribe to cultural stereotypes. Basically too many times watching Full Metal Jackets' "me love you longtime" scene.

At any rate, multiculturalism in dating is interesting, it helps you learn about others, yes, but it also helps you to understand yourself further in that what your limits are...and unfortunately what theirs are too. And I'm trying to not get caught up in my reaction, but sometimes you can't freakin' help it.

The Equal Opportunity Lova',

(now if only the opportunity presented itself)
Voodoo

The Big Aiyah