The Big Aiyah: 02/01/2002

Thursday, February 28, 2002

Re: The Race Card

It's simple really. Asians, like many other races, all have their stereotypes and stigmas. Most notably in the romantic/dating arena, asian women are scene as exotic, forbidden, sexual, sensual, etc. whilst asian men are regarded as asexual, conservative, chauvanistic control freaks. That's why asian men are viewed as the gawky geeky technical engineering math wizzes until recently (thanks to a major newsmagazine story...I think it was Time or Newsweek). Now we're seen as the new trophy boyfriend. We're like the newest fad. Everyone just has to own one. =) Have we always been seen as the complacent model minority? Nah, we've been seen as sexy athletes too cuz everyone knows all asians know Kung Fu (Thanks Bruce!). Asian women on the other hand have always been objectified by other cultures. Lotus Flower...Spring Blossom...etc. Let me ask you this, how many asian guys do you see as newscasters vs the amount of asian women on the news? (probably a better ratio for you west coasters -- but here on the east coast, there are hardly any asian dudes in high profile, high visibility positions). Why? Because asian women are more pleasant to the caucasian eye. So in the dating arena the same can be said. You have your stereotypes, and people draw upon them. Me? I'm still waiting for a nice girl to look upon me and think 'wow, what a sexy male fortune cookie'. ^_^

Pork Honey.

Saturday, February 23, 2002

The Race Card

Hey, I have another question for you: do you feel that as Asians we have different codes and rules about dating and sex than say other cultures? This is the background: I recently met some dude, we'll call him Tyler Durden. Good looking but slightly psychotic. He's not Asian, and he's giving me quite a glimpse into the world of white folks dating and sexin'. I won't go into details, but it's bewildering to say the least.

I could be wrong, but is that a function of his genetic pre-disposition of a lack of melanin? So what do you think? My two cents later.

Voodoo

Sunday, February 17, 2002

Nobody likes to be told "No". I think it comes from when we were children and we probably heard it more than any one single word. Not only that, it prevented us from doing what we wanted and it usually came from someone who held power over us. No is a form of rejection and rejection is painful even at the smallest scale. At the risk of over-simplifying the answer to "Why some guys have no balls", I think it's a good a place as any to start. As far as I can tell, some men don't approach women despite receiving the tell-tale "greenlight" signs is because some men refuse to risk rejection. I know what you are saying "No shit, sherlock!" However, I think that's only the beginning because the women are asking themselves "If I'm already giving homey the greenlight signs...then that should be an indication that homey WILL NOT be rejected." While your intentions are probably pure and you are probably trying to be approachable, homey has a different scenario playing in his head. His scenario recalls the very same greenlight signs that some other honey was giving before. Homey was probably delighted that he was getting greenlights and approached honey and started talking. Well, as it turns out...honey had only recently mastered the power of the come-hither and was fairly inept at entertaining an approach or she doesn't like how he looks up close. Either way it ends awkwardly, she wanted to out, he was embarrassed because he just got the boot. It's like a master fisherman who get's a bite most of the time but doesn't know what to do with the fish after he catches it, it just goes to waste. This scenario has happened to me and my guy friends more than we care to remember and it fucking sucks. It's hard to overcome that, so we sink into stand-by mode and just keep looking at the greenlight without pressing the gas. Should we decide to risk rejection, we make sure it better be damn well worth it. When we see you and you are giving us what appears to be the go-ahead, you may have to wait. For us, there's much more than just the signals to consider:
1) Why the fuck is she hanging out with a fat cluster of friends?
2) Does she expect me to approach her with a fat cluster of her friends? (Those aren't friends btw, they are an audience)
3) Is she really looking at me, or my buddy?
4) How much have I had to drink?
5) Are any other women giving me signals more attractive than she is?

The above is just a small sample of the things that float through a man's head. I hope that it gives you a bit more sympathy for the guys because the truth is, not all guys have balls on demand. But on the flip side, I'm pretty sure that there's no guys with no balls at all. Somewhere along the line, we've all put our nuts on the line and it may or may not have paid off. Our track record of going balls out is what determines our response to you. So ladies, when you are giving your best seductive stare and the man is just smiling and not moving, instead of thinking he's a goddamn pussy, consider that you may just have to walk towards him and holler. Consider that you may be dismissed or welcomed by a pretty stranger. Oh and by the way, that feeling you get right when you are approaching him...that bundled anxiety, the tension in the pit of your gut? Don't worry, that's right where your balls are supposed to be.

Friday, February 15, 2002

Hey Voodoo Babies, and other visitors to the Lovely Voodoo Land. I regret to inform you that beatsrhymesnlife will be down for the next five days. Please check back with us on Wednesday.

Thanks, and yes, we'll miss you too.

Voodoo

let me tell you...you do krazy shit when you're drunk off your ass. in my most recent and fruitful attempt to score, i owe it to the 4 long beach ice teas that helped provoke my inhibitions to flee. but i have the gift of composure when it comes to situations like hooking up, so i'm far from being messy and embarassing.

first off, i don't necessarily subscribe to gender expectations because 1) i'm gay and 2) i don't cross dress. but anyhoo. whatever your sexual preference is, those illustrations from previous blogs of meeting folks at clubs and the myriad of aftermath conclusions applies to everyone. because at one point or another, i've been on both sides of this gendered, as it may seem, scheme of hooking up. also, i've have my share of hang-ups and fake numbers, and giving fakes numbers for that matter, and i've been victorious in my own right, too (cuz i am charming and cute, dammit!)

i admit, i'm bent on having the dude come up to me. why not? i'm good-looking in my cute-fit of the evening with the scent of dolce & gabbana's "masculine" cologne that separates me from the smelly, B.O, butt breath, tired ass queens in this club, or any gay club for that matter. but, please, i'm not trying to say that i am god's gift to gay men: i simply do not handle rejection well. however, those who have the balls to come up to me usual want one thing: bootie. i swear, it's not like i'm wearing a shirt that says, "FUCK ME, I'M FAMOUS" (no joke, it's a club at the coco club and they sell those shirts there). anyhow, that's the only reluctance i have about hooking up....there's hooking up and there's "HOOKING UP - HOOKING UP."

although this conviction is more prevalent in the gay scene, in my opinion, what terrifies me the most aren't the campaigns about safe sex and hiv education, its the WHO i'm desparately trying to find, and to be with and who has the capacity to love the specialness that i represent. i don't want to be alone for the rest of my life - because bootie is just bootie.

there's a certain aetheticism that's eminent in the gay community wherein what you wear and how many times a week you work out increases your chances of hooking up with someone else. but for once, i would like to have someone come up to me with good, old-fashion sincerity to want to get to know me. i'm reluctant to pursue anyone these days because most gay men i've encountered have given me the run-around and at the end don't want a relationship, i.e. "let's be friends", and wanted to get their nut-on all along.

but how do you know unless you try, right?

peas,
~UNIVERSE JUNKY.

TRUE LOVE
CAN NOT
BE FOUND
WHERE IT DOES NOT
TRULY EXIST,
NOR CAN IT BE
HIDDEN WHERE
IT TRULY DOES.
~foucault.

Thursday, February 14, 2002

Let the games begin
Ok pork honey,
I'm going to come up to you the next time I see you in a bar.
It's way easier to go up and talk to a guy than it is sitting there wondering if he ever is going to make the move. I think so far, the easiest has been asking a guy to dance... that's way easier than going up there and saying something cheesy like, "I think we've met before". Anyway, once you hit the dance floor, you don't really have to talk all that much and there are no awkward silences cos you can pretend you're so into dancing or something like that.
Hit me with 2 tequila shots, and I'll come up to you and say, "I think you're cute" and maybe put some moves on you on the dancefloor.

But that's no fun. To bait a fish, you need to tease it, and not shove the bait down it's throat. Make him come to you, entice him with the possibility of whatever he wants.
I'll agree it's a mental game. But that's where the art of flirting and seducing comes in and the fun begins. It's meeting his gaze and looking away, turning to face him a little more, tucking your hair behind your ears as you look up at him. It would be too boring if you absolutely knew. It's the big "what if" that's always the great turn on, but never the absolute.
Subtlety, my dears, is key.

On behalf of Men Around the Globe...

I think guys get a bum rap for the whole pick up scene (and I'm not talking about singing about daisy dukes or how much one likes big butts either). The ability to "step up" and ask someone out is not a testosterone thing...nor is it a testicular thing. Women have mouths, speech, and brains too. All of womenkind can ask guys out too. Why has it become solely a man's job? Is it because even after hundreds of years of fighting for equality, women still would like to be thumped over the head and dragged home by the hair by the man? I'd like to think not.

Believe it or not ladies, some guys wouldn't mind being romanced as well. And I'm not talking high schoolish romance either where the girl asks about the guy thru a common friend and try to set something up. I'm talking, a woman sees a guy and thinks he's cute and actually comes up to him to introduce herself. Heaven forbid I actually live long enough to see that day, or better yet, experience it. So let's break this thing down.

The biggest problem with stepping up to people is bad communication.

· A girl sees this cute guy at a coffeeshop. She's totally checking him out but whenever he looks over she turns the encounter into a Cat & Mouse game and returns a smile but turns away to not appear desperate and tries to play it off like she's not the one initiating contact. She's thinking that she just put out the mousetrap with the smile. She turns away to not let the hunted know he is prey. Face it ladies, you all like the feeling of being persued and wanted. The problem with this method though is that guys don't take subtle hints well. Face it, we're dumb creatures when it comes to the subtle. So maybe instead of giving us a dose of subtlety, try throwing a 1-2 punch combo instead. Look at us, give us a smile, wink and don't lose the eye contact. Think of eye contact like a fishing line, don't break it until we're close enough for you to bust out the net to reel us in. No games, just sport.

· As a male, we're expected to just go head first diving into The Ravene of Possible Rejection like lemmings on a mission. I don't know about you, but any guy with half a brain would see all the men before him falling to their Mack Daddy Deaths and stop for a minute just to think things through first. So ladies, don't blame us for wanting to take a look before we leap.

· Taking initiative to step up instead of doing the DFAD (aforementioned in a previous blog) takes a lot of effort and planning. Firstly you don't want to go up to someone you're trying to make a good impression on and stumble or bumble lest you get bounced. Think of it like the equivalent to women getting ready for a date. You gotta take a lot of time to get ready and make sure everything is perfect for the moment. Who wants to tell their grandkids, "Yeah, the first time I met your grandmother was at this party, I was a little drunk and wasn't thinking straight but I still went up to her and introduced myself but I flubbed my pick-up line." Often times, women would just see this delay as unattractiveness, possible insecurity, lack of balls, and even applying a freakin' acronym such as a DFAD whilst we prepare ourselves. Then even when we try to step up after your self-instituted grace period has expired, you won't give us the time of day anymore. If we can go on a date and come pick you up while having to wait in the livingroom with judgemental unapproving parents or nosey roommates or over-protective pets, then we should be able to take our time to step up to you. Good things come to those who wait.

· So we step up to you, we've taken the initiative. We're ballsy, we're men of men, we're testosterone laden specimens of masculinity. We ask you out. You give us a fake phone number. All I gots to say is if we had "the balls" to talk to you, you should have the common courtesy to just tell us you're not interested or that you appreciate the fact we've taken an interest in you but that you don't want to pursue the relationship further and maybe even wish us good luck on the next gal we try to pick up. Give us some friggin positive affirmation! Don't send us home calling the local Pizza Hut the next day looking for Suzy! Not cool to do. (And you wonder why some of us men don't step up to y'alls).

· Just like in the animal kingdom, there are power in numbers. I must admit, I myself would hardly go up to a woman and just say "hi" if she's travelling in packs, herds, prides, or what-have-you. The sheer fact that she got 2 or more of her best friends with her is enough for me to stay away. Why? There are a number of reasons. You would be interrupting because she already has a conversation partner(s) thus serving a redundant purpose. You will have to work doubly hard to impress not only the girl, but her friend(s) as well. And what happens if you end up liking her friend more later? Hahaha! Sounds funny, but that's all baggage I can do without. Travel in close packs and stay safe in femaledom. Venture off on your own and increase the chance of getting picked up tri-fold. I'm thinking there are probably other guys who feel the same way.

So that's my two-cents (ok, maybe I contributed about a nickel). Like friendships, stepping up is a two-way street. Takes two to tango. Just standing there looking pretty doesn't count. So help us out here ladies. Take some initiative to step up to us too.

Pork Honey - sick of the only women to step up to him being hookers looking to make a buck.

Wednesday, February 13, 2002

oh and can i add a few more things to your list, voodoo?

6. Grabbing my arm in passing. This does not mean you have balls. It is actually quite the opposite.
7. Please please please PUHLEEZE....no more of the "i dont know, only if you want to" schtick. uh hello, i DID ask you, didnt i? if you throw that at me, i swear, DFZ, for you! =P GRRRRRrrrrrrr.

the enforcer

Pelotas de Amor.

Guys, I gotta tell you, this is some serious mess! I CANNOT tell you the amount of times I've heard, "Um, yah, well, I had this major crush on you, but I didn't know how to talk to you." Well, honey, it's really simple. First you walk up to me, and then say something. Anything. "Hi." That's usually a good start.

Digging from a distance, or DFAD, as we girls call it, is not only one of the most lamest things about guys, it's really really sad. I hate to see a quality guy talk a lot about how he's gonna talk to this chick and that chick and then wind up with his hands in his pockets staring at the floor. I've constructed Voodoo's Helpful Hints for Guys.

If at first you don't succeed, try try again. But don't make the mistake of asking her friends out next, because guess what, the news has already spread, and you're officially in DA FRIEND ZONE. (DFZ). And therefore consider yourself marked for life.
Girls like it when you come up to them and conversate. Choose your topics wisely. Maybe "Hey, how's the party going for you so far?" would be a good start. But never, ever, under any circumstances detail your sexual history, prowess or love of cars. "Hey baby, I can go all night." You might as well go alone all night.
Yes, girls often have advanced degrees and are so intelligent that we seem unapproachable. From my own experiences, most men find that out and hightail it because "Smart chicks are intimidating." And they check themselves into the DFZ. Sad. Hey, most of us aren't walking encyclopedia, we're real women with interests outside academia. Take a chance, you schmuck!
Standing next to me for three hours does not mean you like me. It means you're a stalker.
Asking someone to hook you up is like an assist. He sets you up, but it's up to you to score.

I think it's not entirely fair to the fellas to just blame the balls or lack of ballage on them. I'm going to say something to the sister girls out there: Going up to girls is tough because guys often are at a disadvantage. We EXPECT them to step up, we EXPECT them to make the move, and often, if the guy's trying his hardest, it's because he's genuinely interested, yet it's so easy to throw up a hand in his face and just say, "Whatever." (aint that right, Drunken Masta?)

If a dude is steppin' up, and he's cool, and you're not down, just let him down nicely, no need to hate or be a heffa, that's not right. I mean, he did find you attractive enough to step up, didn't he? Count your lucky damn stars he did, cause, girl, once the fellas stop steppin' to you, you might start to miss it, weak game and all.

Be nice to each other. Life is full of risk taking and chances, and unless someone moves, ain't nothin' goin' down.

Standing by for the ball(s) to drop,
Voodoo

get some balls. really.

i'm sure all you have been there, whether it be at a club, the bookstore, or someone's wedding. you see someone. someone sees you. it's totally apparent dude digs you, only because you've made eye contact, like a million times. and yet he keeps his distance for some unknown reason. this leads me to think:

a) i have something stuck in my teeth.
b) my hair is wack.
c) i have some odd body funk going on.
d) i am a victim of fashion faux pas that you dont want to be seen going up to me.
e) all of the above

but, i can tell you want to talk/dance/go out. so what?! what is it? AW SHIT, look out!

it's a guy with no balls.

what's with the hover?!? not that i'm saying a girl can't go up to a guy too, but i'm tired of playing this late in the game. come up to me, already. nothing to loose. really. so here's the question:

why is it that guys have no balls? and what's the phenomenon associated with it?

post time.
the enforcer.

Sunday, February 10, 2002

Voodoo's 2 Cents

I have to admit something. As outgoing and friendly mingle hyper as I am, one of the hardest things for me to do is meet people. Specifically, to meet like-minded individuals who are looking to get into it and get involved. It seems as the crop of men that I have been surrounded with (and if you're in that group, calm the hell down, I don't mean YOU) is more concerned with preserving what freedom they have while simultaneously lusting after a relationship, and that dichotomy I can't hang with. Instead of getting primped and primed for the Meet and Mate Fest, I'd almost rather curl up with a book, call a friend or tweak the site. At least I know who I'm going to bed with, and to paraphrase the Great One, "100 % of the shots you don't take won't go in." Why deal with the rejection?

The motivating factor that keeps me going out despite insurmountable odds is the love of meeting new people and finding ways to circumvent the whole standards I've set up, presumably to make sure that my expectations are set so high that no one can possibly meet them. It's a common self-defeating practice, but I'm working on it. If I keep using too many four syllable words, let me know. It's the doctor in me.

I love to meet new people, hang out with them, learn about their lives and find out just how far apart in the 6-degree sense we are. I am the walking 1-degree, so I've heard. I love new perspectives, new traditions and ways of being. And I might not walk out with a ring on my finger, at least I've stretched my mind out. I find myself to be one of those people that really get involved in getting the details of one's life once I've gotten over that initial fear of things. And don't think that I amchopping and dicing apart their mind to see what's pathologically wrong with them. I'm a counselor at work, not one on the dating circuit.

The results? Lots of new friends. Lots of fun, and further clarification that, again, despite the drama of the Dating Circuit, being single isn't so bad.

Awaiting the next big thing,
Voodoo

Friday, February 08, 2002

motivate me, dammit!

these days, it's not so much the idea of being motivated to go out and meet new ppl, it's more the idea of, "do i really have the energy to put myself out there?". being the busy bee/on-the-go-girl that i am sometimes i'm left with the thought, "i'd rather stay home in my pj's and sleep than put myself through the horror of meeting wierdos on the street" hey, wait, i'm one of those weirdos. =P ;)

at any rate, some things that motivate me to meet new ppl is the idea of doing something "new". like a new venue. a new place to go. a new hobby/activity. tired of the same old shit?! go find some new shit to do!! "ibiza again? let's go check out that slam instead!" maybe you and your buds are not into slams/art exhibits/church singalongs, but the newness of the event, will motivate you to go. and then meet cool ppl in the process. and hey, you might find you like those church hymns and start going back more often. if you wish.

another thing that motivates me is hanging w/ a new circle. maybe you've never hung out with your friend's co-workers. or your cousin's friends. or your brother's friend's cousin's ex-girlfriend's brother. (huh?) since you've never hung out, these ppl are new, right? well, there you go. meet away.

results? well, hm, i have met new ppl by hanging out w/ different circles and doing different things, but not like these ppl were my best friends overnight. of course friendships and relationships take time. funny thing, tho, i find that as i meet these new ppl, they actually know some of the same old ppl that i knew and hung out with from back in the day! =P ;) it's a small small small world. hehehe, back to square one. guess the only way to find a new circle is to move AWAY from the bay area.

now go move to chocowinity, nc, and meet cool ppl you can introduce me to.

the enforcer

Wednesday, February 06, 2002

"Everytime you f-ck someone, your body makes a promise whether you like it or not!" - Julie Gianni (Cameron Diaz) in VANILLA SKY

The term friends with benefits kinda bothers me sometimes because it implies that being a non-sexual friend to someone doesn't come with benefits. Man, not everyone I have "friendly sex" with is willing to pick me up from the airport or help me move, those are REAL benefits. I mean it should be called "Friends who Fuck" because I think you just crossed over to what the rest of the world calls "Lovers." That shit is funny right? Sounds kinda corny and all but you can sugarcoat it all you want but anyone who satisfies you're sexual needs is your lover and not a Friend w/ benefits. It's probably more comfortable to call it Friends w/ benefits so that we don't have to have an emotional attachment to that person. But that's wishful thinking in my opinion, because as Julie Gianni says, you exchange a promise when you have sex with someone. It's a promise that you've given yourself to this person that you've opened up in a deeply intimate way which you can never take back after you are done. You can't unfuck somebody, its impossible last time I checked. That shit is permanent once you crossover in lover territory. We probably want to keep the relationship as friends but we can't ever deny that we will probably be mean more than friends to each other...and why is that? BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN SCREWING! We can make light of it by labeling it something really casual but at the end of the day, it's much deeper than that. For everyone of these casual sexual relationships that work out so conveniently, I'm sure at least 2 or 3 others wind up a real mess because we are dealing with people's feelings. I know I've messed up some friendships with sex while thinking how CONVENIENT it is to just have sex w/ no obligations. I'm not saying that we shouldn't get into these types of relationships, I'm not a judge of that, but I think we shouldn't bullshit ourselves or each other.

Okay, party away.

Tuesday, February 05, 2002

The Indomitable Get-to-Know Man

I think motivation to meet new people is just a frame of mind. Sometimes you wake up one morning and you feel like being the ulitimate socialite, but there are other days (probably more often than most) that you'll wake up and just feel like hiding in a shell and getting through the day without being bothered. I don't think I've ever really had a problem trying to meet new people. It all depends on my mood. So sure, I'd go up to someone on the train, in a bookstore or coffeeshop, or even in the more traditional avenues of clubs or parties and introduce myself and talk to people. And as far as feeling a need to meet new people to widen social circles, I have always somewhat compartmentalized my groups of friends. I'd have my college friends as a group, my high school friends as another group, etc. So if I ever got tired of one, I'd just hang out with another group more, and just kinda cycle through them.

As for results from meeting new people. I've had pretty mixed reviews. Most people think it's freaky for some dude to come up to them and talk to them unless it's at some blatant social event like a party or club. But I have had a few people who were more receptive to meeting people without thinking I was a freak. =) So no real motivation needed and that's that.

Pork Honey the Sweet Meet.

Single Schmingle

Efforts to meet other folks is somewhat akin to climbing up a big mountain with only your wits and a toothpick. It's an indomitable task, and always something that makes you want to walk away, if only to just avoid it and wait another day. Okay, we've all been single for some time now, and I don't know about you, but I'm startin' to feel like I gotta do something to get out there and meet people. But getting that motivation up and running is a (*&%^#. Mind you, it's not because I want to hook it up in a romantic sense, but because I'm starting to feel like I'm not meeting any new people.

No offense to you new people I've just met.

But my question is for you guys and girls: What do you do to get yourself motivated to meet new people, and if you've been out and about, what's the results?

Peeking through the curtains,
Voodoo

Monday, February 04, 2002

ENTER THE ENFORCER

whoa, another blog for me to update! thanks voodoo, for the invite! ;) now i REALLY wont get any work done. =P hehehehe. hello there! ... lemme just put in my $.05 on the "friends w/ benefits" before the topic changes right quick:

FTF, FWB, the "um.. friend" (have you heard that? it's the "oh yeah, this is jeremy, my, um... friend"). what is it really, and who the heck made up this gray fuzzy relationship? had to be a guy....

pros:
1) you dont have the "commitment"
2) you get some play w/out any kind of obligation
3) comes (no pun inteneded, hehehe) when you need it, no questions asked
4) no emotional ties

cons:
1) no commitment
2) empty "play" (hey, no snuggle after nooky? =P)
3) you cant ask the question "where is this going....?"
4) emotional ties

ugh, i guess i'm being a girl on this one. i'll admit it, been there done that. and it's not like we planned it that way, either. i guess it just sort of "happened". but it's such the limbo way to go in a relationship. are we together? are we not together? are we just friends? you want to date other ppl but seem to feel "tied" to this one "friend". it was a while ago, but i can still feel that back and forth yo-yo/rollercoaster that i felt back then. maybe it's cool to do once, and learn from it, like i did. and maybe i was in a little "gray area" in my life then. but honestly, i wouldnt reccommend it. the cool thing tho, we're still friends.

so maybe if you get horny, you should go do some sort of strenuous activity to take your mind off wanting sex. like, say maybe, hockey. ;)

okee, that's all. next topic.
the enforcer

Smooth's OUT. The Enforcer is IN

Okay, due to inactivity and nonproductivity, I have removed/fired/kicked out/Enron'd Smooth. Taking his place is The Enforcer, a wonderful mind who doesn't mind flexing her power every now and then. Look for the bio to be posted soon.

Thanks,
Voodoo
Big Aiyah Ringleader

The Big Aiyah