Voodoo's Top Ten Give ME the Mackage When the Ball Hits 12- If I didn't give it up to my pops, he'd kick my Voodoo Ass.
- Patrick Stewart, don't listen to what those naughty Voodoo Babies say about you, you are a GOD.
- Viggo Mortensen, you can speak Elfish to me any damn day of the year. Nice sword.
- Brad Pitt, we must throw down sometime. Thanks.
- Sting, I've worshipped you since I was 14, let's stop the madness.
- Vincent Perez, yah, no one knows who you are, but I do, so let's do the rumpy pumpy. Loved you in Indochine.
- All my Club Universe boyfriends, you are too divine, kiss me now!
- The Two Steve Youngs!
- John Coltrane, thanks for all the times you put me to bed, the times you kept me up, and the times you made me cry.
- The poor chap standing next to me at midnight. God help us all.
Be safe, and have a good kiss for New Years, shall we?
Voodoo
Ms StraitsJackit's Top Ten Men to Kiss this New Year's Eve:1) My Father, for bringing my existence into this world, and for providing me with the genes for hairless legs. Yes, I don't actually have to shave my legs at all.
2) Derek Jeter, you will always, always be MVP in my heart.
3) Orlando Bloom, aka Legolas in Lord of the Rings... may I grow elfish ears so that I may live in immortality with you, the most handsome, gorgeous and beautiful in the elf world.
4) George Steinbrenner, yes you are an old fart, but you make all the payments for the greatest baseball team in the world.
5) Tony Blair, for that accent, that brain, and certainly at least attempting to make leaders of the free world look somewhat intelligent... unlike some other across the Atlantic
6) Rudy Giuliani, for being man of the year, and for the leader that you have proven yourself to be. Please run for Presidency in 2004.
7) Chet Baker, for seducing me every time I play your albums. You make me wanna....
8) Tony Leung, for being the sexiest Asian man alive.
9) Sam Waterson, for never leaving Law and Order, and definitely the best D.A. on prime time TV.
10) My sufficiently rich, sufficiently good looking, sufficiently decent date for New Year's Eve party... I'm trying finally to be sufficiently realistic here.
the FWA singsasongokay, i’m back… i know, i know… it seems that I’ve been dropping bloggs with the timing of
osama bin laden’s video tapes.. wonder when that fool is gonna release the wrong one.. .like a self made porno tape starring his skinny lanky ass and his merry taliban…
now on with the real stuff… while I was missing in action,
doctor voodoo released three subjects to write about… lets start with the “easy” one…
what song just overwhelms me??two weeks ago, i couldn’t really tell you… for me, there are just so many great songs that just gets to me…some i listen to ritually, some i listen every so often, and some i hear once in a blue moon… but they all have the same mesmerizing effect… here is a short list of songs that just hits me and stops me dead in my tracks… and get a tissue…
selena: dreaming, I could fall in love
kci jojo: how long must I cry, tell me its real
dru hill: these are the times
guns and roses: november rain
van halen: dreams
beegees: how deep is your love
earth wind and fire: reasons
stevie wonder: lately
these songs can either break my heart into millions of pieces or hold my heart together … these songs can’t help but trigger me into reminiscing of the situations, states of mind or beautiful girl(s) who and are part of me forever…
yet, the number one song that i haven’t heard in a looong time but has never dulled in its meaning, deepness, and pure emotion for me is undoubtedly
prince’s Purple Rain… i don’t know why but even after four years, I still get chills listening to this… this was the song that helped me when i was going through the
maria b.stage--my first real love… and she never ever knew that loved her… and thru my own undoing, we are no longer friends… and the line “
it’s a shame our friendship had to end”… prince’s primal screams are my screams of frustration, anxiousness, self doubt and loss… and prince’s screaching guitar licks are my tears asking how does it feel like when doves cry...
dammit, this is way deep for me… I need to gather myself up… I’ll be back… after listening to purple rain about ten times…
We'd be at a huge party and there'd be a sea of people all around. Knowing me, I'd probably be standing next to her pretending that I'm enjoying her casual company. I'd be pretending that I'm eyeing some other girl from afar, and when she dares me to approach her, I say that I will. I'd be laughing it up extra hard with my friends so she doesn't notice the glances I steal when she isn't looking. I'd be hard at work convincing myself that she isn't THAT pretty, she isn't THAT special and that it's just a silly crush. I'd be busy praising myself for how clever I've been because she has not a clue that she has occupied my thoughts so much that I almost failed to realized a whole year has passed since I met her. I'd be pretending that I'm totally fine with the fact that she just wants to be friends and that I haven't been talking to myself in the bathroom mirror sorting out a thousand ways to tell her how I truly feel.
I'd be standing next to her pretending that I haven't been looking for someone exactly like her for as long as I care to remember. Thirty-five seconds before the apple drops, I'd fight through a dizzy spell, swallow deeply, turn towards her and catch her eye. I'd be screaming at the top of my voice just to be heard through the clamor. 30 seconds. She'd be looking at me wondering what the hell has gotten into me. 25 seconds left, I'd tell her that I'm done pretending. She listens to my frantic statements and awkward pronouncements and stares into my eyes blankly. I'd be clutching my hair in my hands, I'd be losing confidence but its much too late to take anything back, I can't think of anything else except that I may have majorly fucked up and gush with apologies. 10 seconds. She'd look up and tell me that its okay, because she's done pretending too. 5 seconds. Silence. 1 second. The air crackles and splits with anticipation of the new year. 0 seconds. The air explodes with a roar. We kiss. We don't hear a thing.
She'd be the one at the stroke, most definitely.
The BW
HypositsI think if I could kiss anyone on New Year's Eve (not that I'm easy or anything) ;-) ... I would kiss the future Mrs. Pork Honey. I think that would be the romantic thing to do. Start a new year with a new relationship. Now how cool would that be? Since these are hypotheticals anyhow, I think that's who I would want to kiss at the stroke of midnight. Though, this might cause a sticky situation concerning our anniversary meeting... would it be 2001 or 2002? Then I'd get into all sorts of trouble. So all you Mrs. Pork Honeys out there, pucker up! Cuz midnight is coming and you've to leave a glass shoe for me. =)
Mista Pork Honey
Hypothetical Situation #1I think I'm going to introduce a new thingy to TBA. It's called Hypothetical Situations. It goes like this: Pose a hypothetical situation. Answer back. Voila! Now, anyone at any time can pose a Hypothetical Situation, and maybe you should tell us why you posted it. It might even be nice if you wait until everyone has a field day with this topic, and then pose the next Hypothetical Situation. Sound good? Excellent. I'm going first:
New Year's Eve is comin' at you like a homeless man eyeballin' your piece of chicken. If you could kiss anyone at the stroke of midnight, and I mean ANYONE, who would you kiss?Assume that they would kiss you back, because you are absolutely sexy (that goes without saying, but I'm throwing it in there).
Not that I'm stressin' over who to get my mack on with during New Years. But hell, it would be nice. Enjoy...
Voodoo
Oh wait, my answer....Hrm.
I think I would like to lock lips with someone I've known for a very long time but never dropped a dime on the fact that I totally and completely adored them. Now, I know there is a handfull of fellas who would fit that description, but hell, I can't pick just one. The awful truth is that I'm more likely to have a very very intense crush on someone and never tell them or anyone for that matter about it. And of course, it always has to come out during a shot of the liquid courage, my friend and yours, alcohol. So pass me a drink, and get a little closer. You just might find out who I'm talking about.
I'd have to say that I am indeed a very romantic person, giving that i am with someone who i'm into. i like to brighten up my partner with roses, gifts, dinners, movies, you name it, i'll do it. because, why not. i don't seek to impress by any means. i'm just thoughtful like that. (thanks mom). and i've always been the type to attempt because you just never know until you do it. oh, and in bed....whew. damn....being "in love" is such a powerful feeling....and getting dumped is twice as bad. but that's no excuse to not believe in love, after love.
my new year's rosolutions? to think more consciously about my actions. and as with every new year, try to cut down on the cancer sticks. happy holidays everyone!
I hate the word Romantic. I really do.
I suppose I'm reeling from past relationships where my search for the romantic has led me to crap. Women are so easily fooled.
Enrique Iglesias sings, "I can be your hero, I can kiss away the pain and I will stand by you forever; You can take my breath away".
That's romantic I suppose... throw in a sunset and some flowers as well.. that would be super duper romantic.
I'm sitting here trying to figure out how not to sound like a cynic and a bitch about the deal life has dealt me. There's a song that comes to mind:
"Hey, you know what paradise is? It's a lie. A fantasy we create about
people and places as we'd like them to be. But you know what truth is?
It's that little baby you're holding, and it's that man you fought with
this morning, the same one you're going to make love with tonight."
We always mistake romance for love. Yes, nice guys finish last because we look at love with romance tinted glasses. We filter out the nice guys only to be left with the smooth talkin jerk.
I want love... I want it to be romantic because I love him and he loves me, because there can be nothing more romantic than being with the one you love always.
Yes I want the whole deal and not just the half of it. I'm not settling for less next time around.
New Year ResolutionMs StraitsJackit resolves to never listening to Enrique Iglesias during PMS...
or any Chicago or Air Supply song for that matter.
Part I : Preponderance of Ideas Linked to Possibilities Nurtured by Cinderella StoriesMany years ago, when Barnes and Nobles first ventured into Northern California, yours truly, Ms Voodoo Child came upon a series of books called 1001 Ways to Be Romantic. It was a hefty tome, and I picked it up to read a random suggestion.
326: Call her just to say you love her.Okay. I thumbed through another section.
987: Find out what her favorite food is, and bring it to her for lunch.That's acceptable. Further...
12: Write a short letter detailing your feelings and random thought about him and mail it to him.Well, isn't that special.
The thing that scares me even more is that people need books like this to survive in their relationship.I put the book down after perusing through more of the suggestions (
354: wear seductive lingerie, 761: sing his favorite song) and thought about what it meant to be romantic. Is it action? Is it noun? Is it a state of mind? Is it just doing all the things that you should do? Is it making someone happy?
Like Pork Honey, who I am convinced is the Alpha Male, "romantic" is not token gifts or attempts at soliticing nooky. Romantic is that small gap wherein lay the soul in its purest and most simplest form. It is the unspoken and the understood. Romance propels you both to heights unknown, and however scary that newness can be, and it is slightly overwhelming, the things that bind you together protect you for the duration. Romantic compels us to do the little things, not because we need to, but because we want to, and that alone gives satisfaction.
Break down the acts that we consider romantic, and you will find the purest and most simplest sharing of emotion. Such simplicity, I think is lost on so many, but hopefully it still is out there...somewhere.
Part II: Resolution TherapyI don't abide much by resolutions, but I always hope to do one thing: be a better Voodoo. As dorky as that sounds, I choose to aspire to higher heights and challenge myself to get there. That's 2002 in a nutshell...Going where no Voodoo has gone before. And hell, take the rest of ya'll wit me!
Be safe out there in the new year, my children. Who loves ya?
Voodoo Do!
Romance and Resolutions are like Peas and Corn, they just go well together...What is romantic? (Like those old "What is Sexy" commercials, that flash images that leads your mind to its definition). Here's my version of what is romantic.
The jungle when it's wet with rain.
Ruffling through a gentle mane.
The beach with rippled sands.
A massage by a pair of soft hands.
A light breath behind your neck.
An innocent moment that lasts for only a sec.
The stroke of a feather down your chest.
Snuggling together for a little rest.
A mountain covered in purple haze.
Realizing those feelings are not just a phase.
The slight brush of a hand across your cheek.
Missing that person after only a week.
Virgin snowfall right after a storm.
Hot cocoa when it makes you feel warm.
Stealing a glance from across a room.
Watching a flower come to full bloom.
A whisper of sweetness in your ear.
Or even a little squeeze on your rear.
All these things are romantic. Yet many more things are romantic as well. The definition of Romantic is like a woodland creature. Stomp through the forest and you'll never see it. Have not a care in the world and travel through with a singing heart while making like Snow White, and all the Romantic things will come out and flock to you. Romance is a mindset. If you're in the right frame of mind, every little thing will seem romantic. If you're not in the right frame of mind, you won't know what it is. The holidays are here! Go be off and be stoned on love my friends. See plenty of romance in your trippy state before the year ends. =) Happy Holidays all! ...and to all, a goodnight!
Pork Honey sets his new year's resolution at 800x600.
Now and ForeverThe song that always gets to me is Carole King's Now and Forever-- you remember it, from that movie, A League of Their Own...
Now and forever
You are a part of me
And the memory cuts like a knifeI first heard that song at my school's final dance for its graduating class, and it really hit home because I realized at that moment, when I was leaving that I had spent ten years of my life there, within the confines of those walls and that old building. The year that I left, my school was 93 years old, I was 16 years old, and I had spent more than half my life there. My thoughts on that final day was my first memory of school, my day one. I was six then, and I remembered looking up to all the 16 year olds who were so big and tall wondering when I would ever get to be there... and there I was, in an almost unnatural warp of time... sixteen already. There were friendships made and broken, teachers loved and hated. I couldn't believe it was over.
I'll remember all the promises still unbroken
And think about all the words between us
That never needed to be spoken
We had a moment. Just one moment
That will last beyond a dreamWalter Benjamin writes, "The true method of making things present is to represent them into our space. We don't displace our being into theirs; they step into our life". How true. I remember going back to school one year, after graduating from college, just to look at it. In my space, that building was a maker and believer of dreams. I felt connected to it because I had become part of its history and it had become a part of mine. Ever since the first day of school, I made a promise to that old school building, that I would maker her proud because she had allowed me to become a part of her. She promised to help me build my dreams, and I promised to make her proud. Even today, I feel like a representation of her because she molded me into the woman that I am today.
I miss the day we met and all that followed after
Sometimes I wish I could always be with you
The way we used to doOne always yearns for the past. I do. I watched the 2nd graders play during recess and I wanted so badly to be a part of it, to be the little girl in pigtails again trying to make the jumps on hopscotch. That was an exercise in futility of course, but the more futile it was, the more impossible it was, the more I yearned. And still I couldn't reach back to be there again. The time was gone, and I have to live my part now as an adult and a woman, but no longer a girl.
The past is an image, an image of those mossy green walls, the red bricked roof and the wooden desks, the lore of the ghost in the first floor bathroom, the girly talks and squabbles, the intensive 24 hour cramming before exams, the relief and joy of passing those same exams and the fear of not passing as well. It is an image etched into my memory, my being and myself.
Now and forever I will always think of you
Now and forever I will always be with you
beatsrhymesnmusicthatmakesyouwannasayuggggggghWhen the words cease to describe my feelings I turn to music. Especially when it comes to love; in the deepest, sweetest parts of the soul, words cease to exist. The pure raw emotion called love unsettles people from time to time, that the profoundest of the profound are unexplicable, even to those that you care about the most.
The song Ribbon in the Sky
The artist Stevie Wonder
The ex in question Still Sprung after 7 Years
The reaction to hearing it now Damn, that song is all messed up
The story When SSa7Y and I hooked up, it was after a long getting to know each other period. About 10 months. We got together around the time that I bought the Musiquarium CD (an essential favorite, by the way), and this song seemed a natural fit because like two puzzle pieces we fit in almost every way. I would come home and find a note on my stereo saying "Hit the play button, (insert mushy crap here), and I"ll see you when I get back tonight." And bam this song would come on.
Oh so long, for this night I've prayed
That a star, would guide you my way
To share with, me this special day
Well a ribbon's in the sky for our loveIt was fitting, honestly, if you've ever listened to the words. We dated for about 3 years, on and off, and at the tail end of those three years, I found out some drama that prompted me to pack up my things and walk away from the relationship. I never looked back. So Stevie then said:
This is not a coincidence, and far more than a lucky chance
But what is that was always meant
Is a ribbon in the sky for our love, loveEvery now and then I hear from him, an email or from his sister or mother (whom I'm still close to). Things I look at briefly then discard. He once sent me a picture of his son. Talked about his impending marriage. I looked at the place where the engagement ring I had sat on my finger and smirked.
We can't lose, with God on our side
We'll find strength, in each tear we cry
From now on, it will be you and I So when I hear it now, I can look past the drama and appreciate such a wonderful song. It's amazing tho, a song that was a part of what wound up being a crappy relationship can still evoke the happier times we shared. At any rate, I'm looking for the person who'll make me wanna sing this song
He Loves Me by Jill Scott...Send
me your app if you think you fit the bill.
Kickin' it like kung fu,
Voodoo
PS:don't know if the link works, but I hope it does. Enjoy...
All in the FamilyComing from an Asian family (specifically Chinese in my case), once you are born, your parents probably have an idea about who their child should marry. Be it, the rich family down the street, the family with the smart kid two blocks away, or maybe even the homely kid the next town over but it's OK because they're a close family friend. Hence all the arranged marriages back in old school China. But the point I'm making here is that you should note what I wrote. What's the common thread what I've said? It's "family". As an asian person with traditional asian parental figures, you don't marry an individual significant other...you marry their family. This being said, of course your parents have rules and regulations on who they want you to date. Dating does not exist for the traditional asian parent. You go out with someone for any extended length of time, your boyfriend/girlfriend will be looked upon as your prospective spouse (so long as your parents like and approve of this person). You are unionizing the two families. Kind of like establishing peace treaties between two warring clans.
Some of the things I've come across in my travels about what specifically chinese parents look for in their children's prospective spouses... Silly as it may seem, one is surname. If your surname has more representation than the person you're dating, then screw it, this person is no longer seen as an asset. So if say for example a Chan dates a Mok, Mok here has a smaller clan and carries less clout than say if Chan dates a Lee. Yeah, I know...kinda silly ain't it? Another piece of criteria is ambition. Is your dating partner an ambitious person and going to make tons of money to be able to support you, themself AND a family? Well as materialistic as it may seem, everyone knows gold digging ain't something new. And here's yet another criteria, your dating partner has to like kids. Parents want their kids to have kids. They want to see even more families spawn from their singular family, creating an alliance with another family, to create yet another familial unit and so on and so on. This is just innate biological gene stuff here. The only reason we have sex is to procreate and extend our geneological lines right? Hahaha! Well maybe not, but we're taught by our parents and high school biology teachers that it's supposed to work that way. =) So the asian parent has a lot riding on their little investment they call their child. So of course they want to set up rules and regulations find the perfect mate for their bluechip. This often times gets in the way of true love resulting in the multitudes of stereotypically labelled socially retarded asian males and the mousey good girl repressed asian female. Out the door with bad parental advice and interfering meddling! I say go out macking geeky asian dudes! Go out clubbing nerdy academia girl! Go have yourself some fun. Your parents made mistakes, go out and make a few of your own too.
As for my own personal situation, I think I have a pretty good relationship with my mom. We talk about who I'm dating and stuff like that. Though talking about sex is taboo and off limits (I love my mom, no need to send her to an early grave by recanting tales of the nookie I had last week -- hahaha!). So not much details about particular individuals I'd have to admit, it's moreso hypotheticals...
"Mom, if I dated a black woman..." (not that there's anything wrong with that but my mom would just freak out). I just tell her enough for mom to know that I'm seeing somebody and that I'll be spending a lot of time with that person so she knows I'm not dead on a street corner somewhere when it's the wee hours of the night and I don't pick up my phone. I think I have only brought back one of my girlfriends to meet my mom (my girlfriend had insisted on it -- despite me thinking otherwise). My mom didn't like her. I have also dated another girl for 5 months and she had never met my mom within the time we were together. So parental influences and sagely advice are undoubtedly presented to me, but since I never bring any of these girls home to meet mom, I have the ability to filter out only the stuff my mom wants to hear. I'm sure one of these days if/when I meet the right person, I will have no reservations about her meeting my mom, but until then, mom needs only know what I tell her.
The rules laid out before me and my siblings were: Date within the race (
keep it real and it's a bonus that we can communicate with them too). Find a nice guy/girl (
nice guys/girls may finish last, but hey at least they won't step all over you and control you). And have lots and lots of babies! (
oh no!). But after seeing three of my siblings get married off, then my 4th sibling married off but with rules that were more lax. I've pretty much been given free reign to do as I please. I've dated chinese, korean, japanese/italian, cambodian, thai... and what does my mom tell me?
"Just make sure she's a good person and will treat you well." It's nice to have 4 older siblings who pave the road for you and provide your mom with 9 grandchildren to the extent she just doesn't care anymore huh? Hahaha!
Well that's all from me, I started my blog thinking I'll have nothing to say cuz my mom is really chill about my relationships, but I guess I must've rambled a bit. =P Oh well, let's see some comments to my blog.
Fortune Cookie of the Week: "That wasn't
PORK, HONEY!"
Mom, Dad, I Actually Like SexI know, I know, you're going to give me hell about this title, but the truth is this: the parental units don't need to know about your love life, and sure as hell, they don't want to hear about it. I'm going to step aside from the sexual connotations for a brief moment, and discuss some of the finer points of this argument. My parents have always idealized me dating someone who was Filipino. I suppose this is "keeping it in the family" so to speak. The ranking order of it all goes something like this: I would have to date 1) a Filipino; or 2) a half-Filipino Guy; or 3)a White Guy; or 4) an Asian Guy. They were somewhat particular about this, and wouldn't be overtly racist about it, but every now and then, a chirp from the kitchen would go something like this: "There are lots of nice Filipino boys out there."
Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Jamal.
Now, there actually was a Jamal in my life at one point, god bless him, but it wasn't what they initially expected. A 6ft tall black guy dating a short Filipina chick. Oh the visuals! This of course turned into a subtle attack on everything they ever wished or wanted for me. Mom would disinvite him from family parties, Dad did his best, but in the end, it wasn't part of the plan, and that of course messed things up for me. They wanted me to be happy, but why couldn't it be with Floriano Magpansal (stereotypical messed up multisyllabic Filipino last name that every teacher messed up during the 1st day of class)? However, in order to be happy, this meant that I needed to be 1) abstinent; 2) asexual; and 3) locked up in a green cargo container like that White Taliban boy in Afghanistan.
And you know, my pretties, that it ain't going down like that.
Balancing what they wanted for me and what I wanted for myself was a study in how to remain sane in the face of intense pressure to be something I didn't want to be, and something I felt like I couldn't be - uncompromising in my beliefs and values.
Now you know what they feel, you have to understand the slight amount of pressure that I was under to assail and nail the Filipino Man of their Dreams (tall, not so dark, an engineer or doctor, good family, good earning potential). All I wanted was the Man of My Dreams (tall, a darker shade of mestizo, employed, understands what a good family is, but not necessarily in one, got a job that doesn't involve fast food, taking off clothes or a vocabulary that involves only one-syllabled words.). Oh yah, and he has to make me happy, and for all intents and purposes, what made me happy was the fact that he loved me, and that they did, one after another. And the fact that he loved me had nothing to do with color or race or ethnicity, the fact was that he was there when I needed him the most. Breaking the race barrier of my dating career was making me akin to the Jackie Robinson. When I started dating Filipino guys (finally!), they were welcome to sleep over (not in my room, mind you), I could go away with them on vacations, I could do no wrong. So that's what it's like, hm? When your parents accept who you're dating, my brother said, it's all good.
Funny, they don't sweat him dating outside the Family.
And that's another thing...I'll save it for later.
Wrote a song about it, here it goes...
Voodoo
The Constitutional Right to Know and Not KnowThe short answer to the question is: don't tell them. What they don't know won't hurt them... or me for that matter!
The long answer is this:
I remember when I was younger, and I watched Beverly Hills 90210 (I'm dating myself now... ), I used to be so envious of Brenda an Brendon (Lord help me, I actually remember their names), who could tell their perfect parents everything and not get into trouble. Mom and Dad would sit down to discuss with them what life was REALLY like, and encourage them to share their feelings, even if they did something as stupid as almost getting pregnant (remember Brenda and Dillon??). It's OK honey, we want to know, we really want to be involved, and help you through your life...
Any one vaguely Asian will know that those lines, don't exactly exist in the Asian Family context. If you were Brenda, your will be exorcised out of the family, with broomstick and dustpan to make sure that it happened ya know what I mean?
I think being Asian is a double edged sword.
My mother wants to know everything about my life except who I'm dating. My father on the other hand wants me to know about everything, but doesn't want to hear what I know. As far as relationships are concerned: I started going out with boys when I was 16... my mother pretended it never happened. It's a very Cartesian philosophy, and Chinese too... If I don't think about it, say anything about it, it never happened. My father on the other hand gave me all this advice, but never wanted to hear why I liked this particular boy.
But they both set standards... oh most definitely. But fortunately for me, my parents are such polar opposites of each other, I stood to gain. My father's philosophy is that one must ALWAYS play the field before you get committed... can't marry the first boy you date sweetheart--> daddy's advice to his little girl : now how cool is that? My mother on the other hand says, find a good man and never let him go. Of course she and I have very different ideas of what makes a man "good". So when I broke up with my long time boyfriend from college, whom my mother has defined as a quintessential "good" man, she was devastated. Her first question to me was: what did you do to him? My father on the other hand said: good job with number 2! Don't stop there now!
I'm dead serious.
And then I also know there are lines NOT to be crossed. 3 rules:
#1: don't ever, even ever think to talk about sex or my sex life.
#2: See #1
#3: See #2
It's almost like the Cold War, you know when US and Russia were in that nuclear race: everyone knew what everyone was doing, but nobody could talk about it, and if you did, the whole world would most certainly come to an end? That's what I mean.
I'm lucky: I moved out. I can selectively share my life with my parents. And strangely that has improved our relationship than when I was living at home and both of them were breathing down my neck. And that's what I mean when I say that being Asian is a double edged sword in this case: I hate it when my parents want to poke into every aspect about my life, but I love that they really don't want to know about some things. We simply ignore the nebulous.
Did I ever get involved in a relationship that I felt just wasn't right, but I did it anyway?
of course yeah! it's called a libido. i've learned in the past that "baby, where have you been all my life" actually translates into "i just want to bone down". so i learned quickly to differentiate between love and sex. sad thing is that i perpetuated this victimization only in cases when after realizing that i wasn't attracted any longer to the person i was intimate with.
once i dated this guy who adored me immensely. i mean, whatever i wanted he gave. (side note: NEVER DATE A DRUG DEALER). i loved it. and he loved me. but from the start i knew i couldn't like him like that, let alone LOVE him despite all the things he would do for me. i admit, he was far from cute. but he was genuine with his feelings for me and he showed it thru his actions.
it was obviously shortlived cause i couldn't go on fabricating feelings for him. i can't recall what bullshit i said to him when i broke it off. it was drama because i managed to squeeze a couple of tear drops from my eyes when i told him 'peace-out'. i was an awful person. so that was the last time i played someone like that. trust, i know: it's called KARMA.
whose brain would i pick? and what would someone find in my brain? (i'm obviously trying to play catch up with all the questions at hand.) anyhow, i would have to pick at my own brain because i need to make sure it's functioning properly. i think i'm crazy at times. i'd like to get a cat scan or a brain cell count out of curiosity just to see how much damage i've done to myself. see, i need to work on my own head before i can begin to pick at someone else's. who'd want to date someone with a fucked up head? i think i really need to see a therapist or even a psychiatrist. but i don't need any more drugs. i really don't, i think.
i guess that's what you'll find in my head: someone who is very familiar with escapism and who is trying to escape that very idea. i hope i don't come across as someone with some serious issues here; but we all got issues and we deal with them in whatever manner we see fit, good or bad. so when shit happens, it happens. but what in the fuck are you going to do about it? and how? i feel as if i don't know if i'm coming or going, or if i've already been there, you know? jeezus, i don't even know if i'm making any sense at all. i admit, i've reacted on fear in the past; and fear instantly hovered around me as soon as i was about to graduate from school. it's nearly 2 years after and the attempts i make these days stem from having a conscious reality about my life. it hasn't been easy to get to this point. and i don't admit to being perfect. and folks, i'm only 24.
Stuck in a MomentEvery time I hear that U2 song play, I am reminded about past relationships that have gone wrong, not for any reason other than the fact that I knew they were wrong for me in the first place.
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
and you can't get out of itI've done it twice and both times I knowingly did it even though I knew it was wrong. I got stuck in a moment. I needed the companionship, the feel of someone loving me, and the feeling that I wasn't abandoned. Rebounds... that's what they were. I'm addicted to feeling loved. But who isn't'? And that's what I mean by being stuck in a moment. I couldn't rid myself of the addiction, and so I jumped into another relationship when I shouldn't have... knowing full well that it wasn't right, the guy wasn't right, and the timing wasn't right. But still I could not get out of it.
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and
you can't get out of itAnd that's so true... it didn't get better. The feeling that it was wrong grew and grew. If you've watched U2's video, it's the best visual metaphor for it. The football player who has to make the field goal and doesn't, and his team loses as a result. He replays that sensation of failure and loss over and over in his head. I used to play tennis a lot a long time ago. And I got to the point where I knew, with every swing that I took where the ball would land, right from the very beginning. I can feel the trajectory of that ball right from the moment I hit it. And if it was a bad shot, there was nothing I could do about it, but I kept ruminating over that shot. I think the same works with relationships. I knew right from the start. It didn't get better later, no matter how I tried to revive it with someone else.
The water is warm till you discover how deep...
I wasn't jumping... for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at allAnd so here's the lesson that I learned: That it's always easier to get into a relationship than to get out of one. That if you begin, just for the comfort of warm waters, you really are falling into nothing at all. One of my rebounds proposed to me after 3 months, and I had no idea until then that I was in so deep... He had fallen in love; I'd only fallen into nothingness. I think it would suffice to say, at this point, that I ran from it all. Ran from the allure of warm waters, warm bodies, and wanted nothing to do with anyone.
And you are such a fool to worry like you do
I know it's tough, and you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now...And so for anyone who worries about never finding "the one" or ever being loved, I'll say to you, don't be a fool, don't be drawn into the allure of love just to be with someone, or just to forget about being alone. When the time is right, you'll know. And it'll happen.
PICKIN MY BRAIN? the voodoo child has posed this question for me and her new comrades in bloggerdom... If you could pick the brains of anyone, what would you want to know? And if someone were to pick your brains, what would they find?
i don't know about pickin someone else's brain so much as i've got things i think about that already keeps my ass busy... If you can see what's in my brain for only one minute, you'll find me thinking about what i need to do with my next paycheck. You'll see the bullshit interest i got to pay. You'll see the route i drive every morning. You'll see me wishing to be with my dream girl. You'll see me, a man with many wishes. You'll see me angry. You'll see the choices i make.
You'll see me praying to God thanking him and asking forgiveness. You'll see me in a store thinking about what i could steal. You'll see me asking why i just took that. You'll see me listening to the isley brothers. You'll see me teaching at a university. You'll see me traveling the world. You'll see me watching star wars, star trek and the godfather 1 & 2 movies. You'll see me looking for love.
You'll see me enjoying teaching my first graders. You'll see me trying to figure out how to prepare for the peace-maker. You'll see me thinking about ways how to kill and get rid of the peace-breakers. You'll see me hating. You'll see me listening to ice cube and public enemy. You'll see me break-dancing at fisherman's wharf. You'll see crying alone about sickly kids. You'll see me taking down the illuminati and fuckin up their new world order. You'll see that i don't bling-bling.
You'll see me loathing suckers. You'll see me dwelling on my regrets. You'll see me worrying about my future family. You'll hear me sing earth wind and fire songs. You'll see me missing the good old simple days. You'll see me making power moves. You'll see me being indiana jones. You'll see me flying and kissing the sky.
You'll see me reading books i want to read. You'll see me reading only marvel comics. You'll see all the mistakes i've done. You'll see me singing with al green. You'll see me be like marvin gaye asking what's going on. You'll see me shooting devils. You'll see me playing my trumpet like miles. You'll see me as superman. You'll see me as wolverine. You'll see contradictions.
You'll see me cursing my chronic asthma. You'll see me stuggling to walk up a flight of stairs being out of breathe. You'll see me getting a triple-double on the basketball court. You'll see me at an old Strictly Business party getting fake props from fools and so-called love from the hoochie groupies. You'll see me calling the next girl. You'll see me having mad fun. You'll see my raiders or the 49ers win the superbowl. You'll see many faults.
You'll see me getting crazy drunk with johnny walker and jack daniels trying to take back my regrets. You'll see me praying to the porcelin god after a nite with st. ides. You'll see me lying in bed alone wanting my future wife to be with me already. You'll see me philosophizing with socrates, plato, descartes and nietzche. You'll see me jamming with van halen and guns and roses. You'll see me driving my ferrari 360 modena--convertible of course. You'll see me sporting my fresh jordans. You'll see me coaching my third, fourth and fifth graders. You'll see me eating dinner with malcolm, martin, jesus, gandhi, muhammad, moses and buddha. You'll see me laughing with robin williams, steve martin, billy crystal, eddie murphy and bearnie mac. You'll see me dancing with m.c. hammer and 357. You'll see me and my dad coming to an understanding. You'll see me lusting. You'll see me sinning. You'll see me happy.
You'll see me buying my mom everything. You'll see me paying for my sister's ph.d. studies. You'll see me hookin up my brother with anything. You'll see me crying about sentimental things. You'll see me in love with my dream girl. You'll see me winning the lottery. You'll see me introducing my children to my parents. You'll see me meeting my grandchildren
You'll see me teaching my sons how to live compassionately. You'll see me teaching my daughters to know their place--that its in the front. You'll see me reminiscing like pete rock and c.l. smooth hanging out with my boys. You'll see me playing baseball with my furies. You'll see me playing basketball at lowell. You'll see me playing mario kart with the 1766ers.
shoot man, you'll see a damn lot and its only the first minute.
True Confessions and Exhibitionism ReduxI'm not going to lie. There have been relationships that have totally been wrong since the moment of "Hmmm, you're kinda cute" that I've gotten involved in, and I have to say those were not exactly the easiest thing to get in or out of because every now and then the seeping second thoughts linger around and some how made me change my mind in either direction. Walking away from or being walked away from is not the best feeling in the world, but sometimes you gotta do the things you hate to do in order to move on with your life.
The situation goes like this. I met, shall we say, Diahhrea through a mutual friend. We talked for a long time before really going on a formal date. We didn't see each other a lot during the talking period, but it was cool. It was cool primarily because I didn't really like being around him all that much. You might be thinking to yourself, why freakin' bother. The truth is, and I'm being selfish, is that I was needing some company at the time, and I figured anyone who paid attention to me can't be half bad. So I went ahead, against my better judgment, and I found myself hating damn near most of the relationship. I also found myself rationalizing over every little thing I found to be worthless and staying behind. Even through what I found out later to be lies, even blatant ones, I stuck it out.
Why?
Cause I'm selfish.
I've since learned to not accept that as an excuse to keep someone dangling like the Klingon of Love. It's dumb to be selfish and hurt someone else who geniunely was so down for me. But I did walk away from that relationship with a clearer sense of self and an idea of what it means to be in a serious relationship. I got to understand myself in a deeper way, and it's unfortunate that I came to that conclusion and hurt someone at the same time.
At any rate, I've dated a married man before (with kids), go ahead, tsk tsk me, but you know, I was young, and I know better now. I've gone on the under and dated someone who had someone else. Younger men, older men, stupid men, men men men, at any rate what comes around goes around, and trust me, cheating bastards get what's coming to them. That does include yours truly, a reformed cheating bastard myself. Karma is a bitch. (No disrespect to anyone named Karma)
We all have choices in life, regardless if we think we don't. But then again, the world is constructed such that it's not that black and white. The shades of gray are where many of us struggle with decisions, however mundane. In the area of relationships, we find our lives with a large gray area. The contructs of which, by the way, are self imposed.
The struggle for clarity is no joke, but what takes a lifetime to understand is well worth the journey. I'm still on that road, and whoever wants to walk next to me is welcome to hitch on.
Peas, Love and
Voodoo Child
I'd say most of my relationships "wasn't right". Hey, you win some and you lose some! =) I'm not really sure what you're deeming as "wasn't right" but I would have to say yes, I have been in a few of them.
Who am I to deny the universe of its plentitude of many infinite possibilities? (and yes love is many a splendored thing but also a blind ugly bat at times too) Sometimes you won't know if things will work out unless you try it out on your own right? How many of us as kids were told not to touch the hot pan by our parents yet we did it anyways and got burned from it? Same thing with relationships (well, at least for me). Sometimes you're going to do things against the better judgement of yourself and others and will get burned, but at least you will have left the table with a concrete and conclusive result from it.
So with my situation, one automatically comes to mind:
Recently, I met this woman (we'll call her "still cute"). "still cute" was an older woman who lived a lifestyle very foreign and a polar opposite to mine. I was introduced to her and her friends at a local social function. We had a great conversation over dinner and she had expressed interest in me via a common friend. Though the conversation was good, I felt things would definitely not work out because of our differences and the fact I wasn't attracted to her to begin with caused me some hesitation, but I dated her anyhow. "still cute" and I didn't see things the same way, emotionally, physically, politically, artistically, etc. So obviously things indeed didn't last in the end, but hey, at least I now know it wouldn't have. A classic Burning Pot Theory of Relationships situation. Case closed, life goes on and you go with it leaving no room for regrets or any of the evil "shoulda", "coulda", "woulda" thoughts to creep up on in. So this relationship didn't feel right, didn't become right, and I got out once I was convinced it will never be right (thus avoiding it becoming a situation of me 'playing her out'). =) So did I lead "still cute" on? Maybe. Did I cheat her by not being totally honest about my hesitations early on? Maybe. But I can't fault myself for giving things a shot despite my better judgement. Relationships are like store dressing rooms. You try before you buy, and sometimes you go in with a shirt that doesn't go with anything in your entire wardrobe. We all bring a few of those home sometimes.
But mine was mostly me just feeling the relationship was a dead end, yet still giving it a shot. There are plenty of other cases of more extreme "not right" relationships, i.e., the married person, the butt buddy, and the I'm just using you for the sex types. And with those, it's basically how much you let your conscience get away with, especially with what is considered socially taboo. I don't think I would go out with someone who is married, but I would date someone who has a significant other. I wouldn't want to just involve myself with someone simply for the physical components of a relationship. I feel there's more to relationships than just the sex. Physical sex is great, but knowing that there is another person willing to give themself entirely to you emotionally is way better. Society implements laws to discriminate from what is right and what is wrong, but ultimately it all comes down to what we think is right or wrong and how we conduct our lives discerning the two.
My 2-cents and a more serious post to make up for my last one. ^_^
Sweet Swine Glaze...I am Pork Honey.
Goodness, brain picking. I think the first image that came to mind was Hannibal and how he literally picked what's his name's brain.. and fried it and ate it. But I don't think I can bring myself to pick brains. Maybe ears... but not brains.
Ok.. enough of that. Sorry. I'm gross sometimes. Who's brain would I want to pick? Probably Bush's brain... WHAT IN THE WORLD WERE YOU THINKING? Actually, I'd really like to just feel relieved that he has some thought going on there... you know, some neurons actually connecting out there. Makes me feel a little better that he might actually be able to process.
What will people find when they pick my brain? Sorry honey, the brain ain't for picking... but you can do the ears.. here's the Q-tip :)
So Much for CollaborativeThanks Pork Honey and Fredator, I think, for your 2 cents.
So your next assignment will be: Did you ever get involved in a relationship that you felt just wasn't right, but you did it anyways? Change the names of the innocent, or at least give them the nickname they deserve. ha!
Voodoo
I think if I were to pick the brain of someone, I'd want to be like Mel Gibson in "What Women Want". I think it'd be interesting to "hear" what people of the opposite gender are thinking about. Kind of gives you some insight into different ways of thinking from a male/female perspective.
As far as what they find in my head, it's just some brain boogies, some puppy chow, a potato (for days when I'm either fried, mashed or half baked) and a shiny button (ooh shiny!). And if you take some time to sift through all that clutter, you might just find something edgy, a slight gleam, a thing of red, a little push and maybe even some tidbits of simplicity.
Excuse me, I'll have the Pork Honey...
"i came, i saw, i conquered.... don't worry, i'll come again" with the
"look at the big brain on fred" topic...
Brain PickulationYou know, if I had to ask someone something, I guess it'd have to be "What is the one thing that you know you can do but you choose not to because you're scared?" I know that for the most part, people are always going to say stupid things like bust a fart in front of someone, or mack on someone they've always wanted to mack on. But on the chance that someone might actually give me a serious answer, I think it's an interesting conversation waiting to be had. People are totally talented in many areas, and they're the most reserved for whatever reason they choose to be, most often because people will think they're freaks or that they just don't like the pressure of having people know they got skills. I suspect if someone asked me that question, I'd have to say I wouldn't want to actually ask someone out, even though I really liked them out of fear that they wouldn't think that it was a date date. You know what I mean. So I'm a freakin' chickenshit, go ahead, I'll be the first to admit it.
If someone were to pick my brains, they'd find a whole lot of things left over from the past, shit I held onto for too long, memories of little moments that may be seemingly insignificant, and a whole lot of soft spots. I'm the kind of girl that has lots of things on her mind, and if you ever catch me staring off into space, you'll find that I'm sifting through all the things I've stored away and trying to make sense of what's going on right now.
By the way, I'm a counselor for the most part by trade, and I always always get shit from friends about if I'm going to pick them apart and find out what make them tick. I have to admit that I have a tendency to do this, but not as often as one would think. It's always interesting to get to know people, but being a counselor in my book is work, and if I'm not getting paid to do it, then I probably am not going to waste my time trying to figure out if you were raised by wolves and used raw wool to wipe your netherparts.
My two cents...
Voodoo
*****
Okay, the blog basics...see the bar where "Post to The Big Aiyah" is? On the right hand side of it, you'll see some buttons. The "B" one is what I use to start off the blog. That sets up your font to be BOLD. And the "I" is for italic. Go figure. Anyways, I skip the spell check even though I shouldn't, and the two buttons, post and post & publish are the most important. Type away, do your thing, etc...then when you're done, hit post & publish. Voila, you're on the web. If you type and then you're not t100% sure if you're done, then just hit "post". Come back another time to finish.
Your text will look kinda weird, don't expect to see it appear bold in this window. When it's published, it will appear on the bottom pane below complete with formatting.
Then sign off here...
Voodoo Child.
*****
Easy, isn't it? Cool. Now your assignment...
If you could pick the brains of anyone, what would you want to know? And if someone were to pick your brains, what would they find?Have fun and look forward to reading your schtuff...
Voodoo!
The Big AiyahWelcome to The Big Aiyah, the designated Single Asian Person Zone. The invited persons are of Asian descent, and they're also of all orientations, locations, and age-ations, and we've got some things to talk about.
Mostly it's about Single Life. But along with that goes the Asian Life. And maybe we might get down to the Dating Game, of which we're all familiar with.
In a meanwhile, feel free to submit ideas to
The Voodoo Child if you're down.
Check out
beatsrhymesnlife for some meditative relaxation...and gimme a sec to set it all up...See you in a bit.
Peace....
Voodoo
