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Saturday, April 24, 2004
TREKKIN' posted on 4/24/2004 05:14:45 PM by agentCB
DONE AND DONE posted on 4/20/2004 07:41:30 AM by agentCB
STIFLING CHUCKLES posted on 4/16/2004 01:14:19 PM by agentCB
GOING TO HELL… posted on 4/15/2004 08:42:17 PM by agentCB
I WISH THERE WAS PICTURES... posted on 4/14/2004 10:09:24 AM by agentCB
IT WAS A GOOD DAY posted on 4/11/2004 09:10:48 PM by agentCB
THE PHONE CALL posted on 4/08/2004 11:31:12 AM by agentCB
MOMENT OF CLARITY posted on 4/07/2004 01:49:44 PM by agentCB
LUCKY posted on 4/05/2004 12:00:20 AM by agentCB
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND posted on 4/03/2004 09:52:29 AM by agentCB
BLACK BUTTERFLY posted on 4/01/2004 12:58:41 PM by agentCB
a month ago or so, i picked up this old trek bike from a garage sale in vallejo. bought it for 20 bucks.
it originally sold for about $400. it's a vintage 1980-ish 15 speed aluminum frame bike. i took it to the bike shop today and got new tires, a new seat, a tune-up and lube job. i'm lookin forward to riding it soon. i haven't ridden a ten speed since i was in high school. had this old ass orange jc penny that was originally my dad's bike. took it 2 davis for my undergrad and gave it a thin skin with a can of black spray paint. the spray paint started chipping off and evoked images of reverse jack-o-lanterns. i think it got stolen.
12 years later it's full circle like hiero's latest album.
just my luck to run into this bike for 20 bucks. i guess i'm kinda lucky like that with bikes. i found my last bike by a dumpster behind the vallejo target. a motiv bike with a fucked up front tire.
that bike got stolen too.
yeh, so i learned my lesson with picking up bikes from the street. i prefer to buy them nowadays anyway. like the dyno road bike i copped for $40 at a thrift store. i wasn't even lookin for that one, it happened to be in front of a file cabinet that i was scopin out. i pick it up to move it aside and realized that it was hella light. the bike wasn't at the store for more than 4 hours and i went home with that mug. that's my current ride.
the trek will be like a lightweight cadillac. if it looks pretty enough, i'll post some pics.
and now to look for a beach cruiser and trick it out like they did in baby boy.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
last night i had my comprehensive oral examination for my master's program. we had to present a client that we worked with, how we applied our own theory of counseling, things learned etc.
then we got grilled by a committee of professors who want to make sure they're not releasing a bunch of yahoos into the wild when they graduate us.
after hours of rehearsing this mug, i was able to nail my presentation and FINALLY FRICKIN GRADUATE FROM MY MASTERS PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!
it's been definitely a life changing 3 years. took longer than expected but, but that's what happens when you do this shit part time.
thanks 2 all that supported me through these years, through the music, school, community work.
hopefully i can blend it all into one job so i don't go crazy multitasking.
peace and love on this grand day...
Friday, April 16, 2004
live and direct im blogging from a training session for domestic violence. don’t worry, I’m paying attention, they’re going over elements that I’m already trained in as a counselor.
anyway…
during registration this morning, a guy in line in front of me was registering. he turned around after putting on his nametag.
his name was “atary” pronounced “Atari” as in Atari 2600.
being the right brained person that I am, immediately I heard the Atari 2600 song by little brother playing in my head…
“atarrrrriiiiiiiii, twenty-six hundred… is for the childrennnnnn”
if you haven’t heard this song, u need 2 get little brother’s demo tape and hear the track where they were baggin on the RZA, making fun of how he talks about nonsense during songs… classic.
anyway, I see homeboy’s nametag, hear the song and subsequently had to lower my head to cover the grin that slowly started taking over my face.
yeh, im going to hell but so what.
that little chuckle brought me back to the days when I would go to church with my brother and my cousin boo. we would try to crack each other up and then watch as the other person struggled to keep silent during mass.
those laughs are always the best. because you’re trying to keep it in.
fuck I’m smiling just thinking about it right now. haha I think the worse one was when we were at a wake for one of my mom’s friend’s mother’s or something like that. it’s so bad it deserves it’s own blog entry…
Thursday, April 15, 2004
boo & I were probably in 8th or 9th grade, kaygee was in 3rd grade. we had just spent a day in the city hanging out with the family and having a good time. we were cruising around in our van conversion (complete with unused ice chest and stained glass window) and the three of us had a fat case of the giggles for some reason.
my dad thought it would be better for us to wait in the van as we approached the funeral home. we never met this person that died, nor did we know my mother’s friend. but it was a close friend of my mom’s from her childhood days.
so we stayed in the van and pretty much laughed our asses off on whatever it was we were laughing at, trying to get it out of our respective systems.
about 15 minutes later we were done laughing,
or so we thought…
now the thing about laughing is 1) it’s contagious and 2) little things can easily re-trigger another episode. unfortunately, this experience was how I learned about the contagious effect of laughter.
the three of us got out of the van and walked towards the funeral home. Immediately as we walked in, I looked at the layout of the place and said
“this place looks like sizzlers”
my cousin boo laughed first (we love sizzlers), the kind of laugh where u can keep quiet, but you have to cover your face, keep your head down and stop what you’re doing.
seeing him succumb like that triggered the same reaction in me and my brother.
the three of us walked right back outside.
a few minutes later, we tried to go back in and were able to behave ourselves sitting next to my parents in one of the back pews in the chapel.
things were going smooth, my brother and I wanted 2 be there for my mom and we were under control.
it was our unfortunate luck however, that there was a singer after the wake.
and yes, it was luck again that made the singer look like a mario lopez (of saved by the bell fame) with the bulk of an aaron neville.
on top of that, he sang like shit
at this point, I think even if I wasn’t already suffering from a laughing spell, I would still crack up to hear this boy try to mouth the words to “what a wonderful world”
unfair I tell you.
ok, so you can imagine what the situation was like. of course boo breaks down first, uttering a quick guffaw that was audible to the rest of the people in the chapel that were nearby.
fuck.
my brother folds next and immediately gets pinched by my mother. (and why is it that moms always know what pinch makes the most pain in the quickest amount of time?)
you would think that seeing my brother squirm in pain would be enough to shut me up. alas, the fear of a pinay mother’s wrath, manifested into a force wielded by her index finger and thumb, was not enough to stifle me this day.
besides, seeing my brother get in trouble is fuckin funny when you’re 13.
at this point, I’m just shaking uncontrollably as I bury my face in my folded arms. I feel a foreign hand rubbing my back as if to console me. I look up and it was another friend of my mother’s.
she thought I was crying.
it was almost too much to bear. needless to say, my mom told us to basically get the fuck out and go back 2 the van. we were in deep shit and justifiably so.
my uncle’s funeral last year was in the same place. I saw some of my little cousins laughing during the services.
I wonder what they were thinking about…
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
the passion of the easter bunny.
dear god in heaven, what were they thinking...
Sunday, April 11, 2004
today i hit up the grill for the family's easter dinner. havent' bbq'ed in a while and it was fun to get out there and be manly around the grill. i dont know what it is about watching raw meat cook over a fire, but it does something to us guys.
makes us feel manly and in touch with our masculine side.
on a side note, i also went to church. i've become one of those christmas and easter people. well actually i go for mother's day as well. (take a wild guess why haha).
i was also watching the history channel and all the specials they had on the passion and pontius pilate etc... it was interesting to see a historical take on everything. it gave me more perspective and depth for my "jesus was an activist" argument.
more on that some other day, it's late and i have 2 do school work.
easter also proved good for my favorite basketball teams. the kings drained the lakers holding kobe and shaq to 18 points COMBINED. wtf. and to make it a perfect evening. the warriors beat the mavs by one, grinding it out for a comeback win. the warriors haven't beat the mavs since 98-99.
Thursday, April 08, 2004
even after three years
a tear still appeared
reality of love
inevitable
prelude to the fall
my soul indelible
yet a recluse in it's chamber
your love raw and undisputible
yet foreign to my nature
interjecting memories of the past
within my new location
i attempt to maintain
and stablize my foundation
quick to protect
and shield the weakest part of me
i place my hands over my chest
to cover its ears
so it won't hear
the hurt
the pain
the tears in your voice
when you plead with me
honestly and innocently
but not knowing the effect on me
steadfast and strong i held on
choking back emotions
connections
and reflections
knowing this is what i must do
hoping that u
will benefit from the true
lessons u will learn
from this latest clue
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
usually, moments of clarity are good things. points in life where u stop and reflect and everything comes in focus.
this time my moment of clarity had the bitter taste of reality attached to it.
i was in SF on monday visiting non-profits, scoping out the job market, seeing how things get down done in bay area nonprofits. nothing new, things are pretty much the same, except for the fact that the API based nonprofits in the bay are more organized and bigger than the ones up here in sac. it makes sense, since there are more API people in the bay.
in my program, you can choose from three different categories, MFT track (most money), school track (good money), and community track(least money out of the three). i chose to go to the community track because it was where my heart is. a lot of my colleagues in the community track either added MFT or school.
i didn't.
i didn't want to work at the middle or high school level. you don't counsel more so do you play academic scheduler. and i don't want to have to deal with the bullshit MFT's go through. too clinical for me. even though i'm more than capable of dealing with it. i know i will get burned out at the clinical level.
so i figure that i can make the rest up with music. i dont know if i meant to do that, but i've set myself up so that i have 2 make something happen if i do want to survive in the bay.
i spent the past 2 days grumbling about how america is back-ass-wards when it comes to social services, education and counseling. but hell there's only so much i can do right now.
i just need 2 graduate first.
i feel like i'm in a marathon. i'm near the end and i have a few more miles to go. i can see the finish line, but man i'm getting tired.
Monday, April 05, 2004
on my way back from a friend's bday party in oakland, i passed through the part of highway 80 where i got into an accident a few weeks back. i must say i am one lucky mofo.
had it been a few feet earlier, i would have driven right off of the freeway into the descending freeway exit.
had it been a few feet later, i would have run into a concrete barricade and god knows what coulda happened. i can only think of all those CHiPs episodes where the car hits a barricade and flips over.
lucky.
i feel like someone's keepin and eye on me. as soon as i graduate, it's time to make shit happen.
Saturday, April 03, 2004
if u ever tried to forget about someone you loved, for one reason or another, you’ll understand the feelings the character joel barrish (jim carrey) is having in this movie.
the movie is very visual and like nothing I’ve ever seen before. the closest thing is “being john malkovich”, which was also written by charlie kaufman, who wrote “eternal sunshine. “ I don’t want to give away anything else but if u want to watch a creative movie, go watch "eternal sunshine".
for some odd reason, this odd (yet amazingly creative) movie touched me, probably because this movie made me realize that innundating my mind with new memories can be a process similar to forgetting about someone.
I watched this movie with a friend who I imagine is of the more “guarded” variety when it comes to relationships. then again, perhaps it is I who is guarded and projecting… who the hell knows nowadays. I tried 2 poke into her heart and she did not want 2 go there. besides who the hell am I to do so anyway? perhaps it was not my place to intrude into her past. so I offered my own experiences to try to explain the effect of the movie on me.
so i got to thinking, maybe I have been trying to erase memories of past loves in the hopes of “moving on.” whereas in my process, I try to create millions of new ones to stifle the memories of the past.
like with everything else in life, there are healthy limits to everything. the point where any object or notion (such as alcohol, love, tv, music, drugs) become unhealthy and addicting in some respects.
I think this movie helped me see that I am nearing my own ceiling. haha. not that I’m out there unstable and trying to forget my past, but acknowledging the process of letting go, which is rarely easy.
perhaps I will change my direction a bit, to fit more into reality. I do not wish to be responsible for more drama because I am processing my own. apologies if i hurt anyone along the way.
i'm pretty impressed with how i analyzed myself here without speaking once about what i was feeling. i'll offer one word to acknowledge the importance of properly modeling feelings for my blogger viewing audience (ha)...
my heart felt heavy.
the rest will be felt on the journey home. if all else fails, I'm in the studio, no doubt.
Thursday, April 01, 2004
i went jogging on the river for the first time in 6 months or so. usually i just hit up the boring old treadmill, but since it was a nice day and that i misplaced my 24hr workout pass, i decided to run outside.
it felt so good to be outside and run and actually see shit instead of staring ahead at the treadmill controls. to look to the side and see the american river, trees and your occasional piece of dog poo is more inviting than looking to the side to see old ladies walking fast while reading their romance novels.
not that there's anything wrong with that.
so i'm running to my latest collection of jungle and drum and bass (it's good for keeping a tempo above 6-7mph) right... i do my usual jaunt through the california wilderness. on the way home i noticed a black butterfly fluttering by.
monarch butterfly. there are lots of those by my house.
i watch this buttefly for a second before it flies away into the trees. i couldn't help feeling as free as this lil butterfly.
so much better than running indoors.
i just wish my knees would agree with that last statement. welcome to the dirrrty 30.
