The Big Aiyah

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Friday, August 19, 2005

Sad men frighten birds away.
Down to their pensive foreheads descend
the clouds
and dissolve into an opaque drizzle.
Flowers languish
in the gardens of the sad men.
Their precipices tempt death.
Whereas
the women that are within a woman
are all born at the same time
in front of the sad eyes of the sad men.
The woman vessel again opens her belly
and offers the sad man her redeeming milk.
The woman child kisses with fervor
his paternal, desolate widower’s hands.
And she who walks silently in the house
shines his black hours and patches up
all the holes in his breast.
There is another that lends to the sad man
her two hands as if they were wings.
But sad men are deaf to their music.
There is no lonelier woman then,
more sadly lonely,
than she who wants to love a sad man.

-Piedad Bonnet

Monday, January 31, 2005

::I feel so lucky

We went out to eat and no sparks ignited. Whew, that would have been soooo bad. Thank God, I didn’t develop feelings towards my friend’s ex. I didn’t want to be Chandler secretly in love with Joey’s girlfriend or Joey obviously in love with Rachel. I’m glad that I wouldn’t be tormented if I saw any of the ubiquitous Friends DVDs.

The girl and I are still friends and still have a good time whenever we see each other. We don’t see each other regularly, which is good for me; otherwise I don’t know if I would feel differently. It’s just that there was a week in which I didn’t, couldn’t trust myself. It wasn’t all sexual, she is a very attractive woman, but I was more “curious” because of her personality and traits. It was because **drum roll** she could always make me laugh. Not just a regular “haha”, then go to the next joke, but frequently get me (and each other) a full belly laugh that would fuel hours worth of laughs. We also share a lot of interest that can quickly delve us into conversations that span politics, current affairs, adult swim lineup, etc.

I’m just feeling relieved that I didn’t have to start berating myself for getting really interested in a friend’s recent ex. That would have been my bad. It’s not like there aren’t a lot of beautiful, intelligent, witty, down-to-earth women available, it’s just that it’s hard to date people you have a good connection to. Those usually turn out to be your friends and I love all of them. That’s why I feel so lucky that I didn’t have to cross any boundaries this past week.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

"Most of the people I know are either really into a relationship or really really single."

Is this a late 20s phenomenon? Is this isolated to single Asians? Or is this statement from a localized point of view?

As the months turn to years, the polarization of my friend’s relationship status has become more acute. I can only name a couple of friends who are still seeking/working to be in a relationship. They are the statistical anomalies. Right now, in the middle of the holiday season (and upcoming Valentine’s day), when in years past most of my single friends would lament that they want to be with somebody, most singles are actually happy being single. By rote, we explain that we’re not against being in a relationship if the right person comes along, but until then, we’re actually relishing the single life. Can it get lonely? Of course, if you don’t have real friends; especially “special” friends.

At the other extreme are my relationship friends, though still funny and cool, they have lost something. Seems like the work that they have put into making the relationship work and last has taken the very spontaneity and creativeness that got them in the relationship. I’m not talking about my married/family friends; they have a huge responsibility that necessitates following a scripted plan. Just like Bill Walsh back in the day, my family friends need to follow the first 15 plays to ensure that the team wins in the end. I’m talking about my relationship friends who are actually worse than my family friends. It seems that they are more sardonic and have not had a good belly laugh the past 2 years.

Hey, I know I’m being very subjective here. I’m sure most of my friends, in a relationship or not, are happy in some way or another. But, I guess the gist or my rant is directed to all the people, my relatives especially, that I don’t NEED to be in a relationship, let alone be married. Just because I’m getting older and beginning to establish myself that the next step is to get married. It would be a logical next step if I needed to sire children to help till my 40 acres and plant rice.

Off the soap box I go.

Friday, August 20, 2004

So, I'm giving her another chance.
I really don't know if it's because I subconsciously/deeply like this girl or just because nothing better has come. I used to think it was the latter, but it has been quite a few months already and she's still here and standing. I promised myself that for ONCE in my life, I'm not going to apply (and bring) up most of the criterias that I have used in the past; to whether or not to go for a woman.
Man, it used to be alot easier than this. It used to be:
"Hey, she smiled at me. I like her!"
"She got some titties!"
"She's cute and her pump is pretty high."
"She's hella fine!"
"She's hella fine with some titties and bootie!"
"She got BACK!"
Then it turned to:
"She's cute and gives it up"
Fast-forward a bit and it evolved to:
"She's f*** fine and smart. Damn, I want her!"
"She's pretty, smart, and atheletic. Nice!"
"She's pretty, smart, atheletic, and hella funny. She's the girl for me!"
(This by the way in my opinion was the pinnacle. I should have stayed with the best one at this time and married her. NO JOKE).
Now, it's:
"She's cool"
"She's alright, but has a good job"
"She's cool, with a good job, and only one kid."
"She's cool, with a job, and baby daddy is out of the picture"
"She's cool."
So, this is what experience and maturing gives us? Being a consumate critic. Are all of the good girls really married? I know there's still really fantastic women out there, but how do you meet these mystical beings?
Oh wait.....I'm supposed to give her another chance.
--Holla back ladies with how your criterias have evolved as well

Friday, August 13, 2004

::legacy and love

I just finished dumping some depressing shit on my personal blog; about how none of us can really leave a lasting legacy. So of course this got me thinking about whether loving someone for an extended period of time can be considered a legacy.

I hear about these couples who have been together for 20+ number of years and they state that they are still in love. 20+ years! How come the longest I've ever been in that state is one and a half years max? Is it biological? I know it's not a male-thing because I know folks who are still in that love mode for over 5 years.

We have gyms and fads that help us get in better physical shape and hopefully lead us to a lifestyle of healthy living that we can enjoy. Where are the love gyms? I haven't seen a yoga mat of love at Walgreens. What about cardio-intimacy?

What I really want to know is after the intimacy, passion, and ecstacy of "being in love" subsides (or does it), is the love transformed into "best friend love". Or if one gets married does it become "family love"; where it goes unsaid but is tacit.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

::skeet! skeet! skeet!
I just thought this was the funniest thing.
Skeet

::M.I.L.F
Is Cuba Goodings right, when he stated in ‘Jerry McGuire’ that, “it’s wrong to get the nani from a single mother; that’s a sacred thing?”

My boy Adam said it shouldn’t matter, but it’s hard when you make the mistake of getting to know the person first. What was I thinking?! She’s really cute, Lucy Liu spunky cute and a sweet, wonderful person. She keeps saying she wants to start dating; and my spidey senses are telling me that’s a hint and a half for us to kick it on a new level. But, what level is that? Is it let me warm her up and get her used to the dating scene again? Is it: she’s an adult, and adults have very adult needs, and this is what this adult wants do? Or, is it let’s get warm together and try to build something?

I’m really kicking myself for being considerate and having a conscious here, but I’m not 19 anymore, and I know her now. Most will ask, why I just don’t go for it and see where it goes. The thing is I’ve already tried that and concluded that the best we were going to be was friends. It’s the privileges part that I’m debating with myself.

Friday, April 09, 2004

I know we really never did anything malicious to each other. I don't even think, we ever had an argument. I know you patiently waited for me to open myself up and trust you emotionally. But, I felt the same way, that you are only showing me your emotions that ride on the surface.

We had good times, without the humor.
You have my friendship, without the bond.
You are my lover, without the love.

You tried so hard to win my affection. In trying, you forgot to show me who I was to allow to win me over. All I ever saw was the effort. You did not consider that I am perceptive enough, to learn and understand your qualities, if they are not forced. I know we never did anything malicious to each other, so letting you go should not hurt.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

...I wasn't always like this continued
As I've grown; I've learned, made mistakes, re-applied lessons, and re-introduce myself to me. Throughout the melange of transformations and personal mantras, specific songs have defined my personal anthem or battlecry. So, let me bite off of Dave Chappelle's skit, "Dave on Dave" and see (for myself) how I've changed through the years.
At 14: Relationships - When asked what's going on with the girl I've been talking too, I'd reply, "ohhh man...we just messin' (even though I'm head over heels trippin over her)."
Theme songs - "If It Isn't Love" by New Edition, "I'll Give Al My Love" by Keith Sweat, "Here and Now" by Luther Vandross

At 18: Relationships - When asked what's going on with the ladies, I'd reply, "don't matter...all these females are b**ches and sl**ts anyway."
Theme songs - "O.P.P." by Naugty by Nature, "If You Want It" by 2nd II None

At 22: Relationship - When asked what's going on with the ladies, I'd reply, "s*****! YOU tell me?!"
Theme songs - "Pony" by Ginuwine, "Don't wanna be a Player" by Joe, "Sumthin Sumthin" by Maxwell

25+: Relationship - When asked what's going on with the ladies, I'd reply, "I was on the road to marriage, but boy I must have been driving drunk."
Theme songs - "Let's Get Married" Jagged Edge, "The Light" by Common, "Where I wanna Be" by Donnell Jones

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

::seeing the world through roughed-up Raybans

Excluding couples who are married, engaged, or are just in their "honeymoon phase," are there really guys who are happy in their current relationship?

As Chris Rock said, "a man is only as loyal as his options." Someone, please tell me, I'm way offbase in how I feel about relationships, and C.R. and myself are in the minority as far as guy's group think.

Monday, February 23, 2004

::I wasn’t always like this
not in the beginning. I used to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally; oblivious to my (current) girlfriend’s faults (flaw? What flaw?). Grateful to God, fate, circumstance, and to her for being in my life and allowing me to show her my affection and gratitude. Days were filled with excitement and adventure as we dared our own tolerances for danger and thrill. Moments lasted as we indulged in each other’s aspirations, hopes, trepidation, needs, and pleasure with what we have in front of us.
I used to think of being in a relationship as an idyllic sanctuary of deep understanding, dreams, and dare I say it; love. Our refuge from the realities and cruelties of the world was the comfort and security from each other’s voice, embrace, soft steady gaze, and unconscious belief that we’ll never be alone.
It used to be so easy to articulate and describe the wonder that was her and the bliss that was us.
In short I was in love, and believed in love.
After being cheated on and dismissed by my first two loves; love became commercial and superficial. Commercial in that greed presided; to make sure I got what I wanted before I can remotely get hurt. Superficial in that the guise of a potential romance, let alone a relationship was only a gambit to fight a nasty spell of loneliness.
I’d like to think and do believe that I was never malicious in any tryst and/or romance that I engaged into. I know I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend. But, I know I’ve never been able to commit wholeheartedly to anyone since.
By putting it in black and white, I’m asking myself, “what are you looking forward to when you begin to get involved in a relationship with someone?”

….to be continued

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

::riddle me this

I have a friend; alright a "special friend". She's not just a bootie-call, cuz we sometimes hangout during the weekends. I DON'T consider her my girlfriend, cuz we usually go bar-hopping/clubbing separately.

She's not just a bootie-call, cuz she's met my parents and I've met hers. She's not my girlfriend, cuz I've never invited her to any personal social circle functions/gatherings.

She's not just a bootie-call, cuz I sometimes tell the shit I have to put up with. She's not my girlfriend, cuz even though she holds me, I don't feel a sanctuary in her embrace.

The riddle is, is a non bootie-call, non girlfriend my valentine?

Sunday, February 01, 2004

::she inspires
The cold wet winds of 2004 blew in an enigma from the past. She landed with usual aplomb; flip comments, intrusive questioning, and engaging conversation; as if the gap between the last interaction have only been a couple days, not a couple of years.

I’d have to say she was the one girl who won me over. Not by her physical attractiveness, nor the credentials on her resume that makes parents say, “see THAT'S a good girl.” She had that intangible that made you want to listen to any subject that caught her fancy, and speak your dreams that you've never uttered to another soul. If someone was to ask me to list all the traits that I want for a soul mate/life partner; her qualities make her the closest any woman I've ever met.

For heaven's sake, I can say she is my muse, the one person who constantly brings me the spark of creativity and courage to strive for those dreams I've hidden even from myself.

::sweet november
So, if this girl is sooo great and on paper she's Aced the test, then why don't I feel the attraction and urge to be with her? Why do I feel that I'm not the only guy she's put this spell on? And why does that bother me?

Okay, I admit to have watched the movie, "Sweet November" with Charlize Theron and I feel like I'm Mr. January. She cares for me (I know that much) and so do I, but it doesn't go beyond that. We are physically attracted to each other, but.....?

It's like I'm Jerry Seinfeld, she's Ellain Benis! Now, if only a Terry Hatcher would pop into my social life (like that one Seinfeld episode), I swear, I wouldn't doubt nor question whether they were real or fake.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

~~Flip da Script~~

See how they lag...anyways I'm switching up Aiyah and making it a solo venture. Enjoy.

If any of you other aiyah heads want to write, go ahead. Impress me.

Voodoo

Thursday, August 21, 2003

what to do, what to do....

It seems like I get myself into situations where there's always a twist ... man o man

So, I kicked it w/ someone the other day ... albeit, I know her ex. Her ex and I aren't the best of friends, but we are cool. Am I wrong for pursuing anything with this female since I know her man?

And now I hear she that may still have feelings for him. But wouldn't any guy or girl still have some feelings for his or her ex. I tell myself to take things day by day and enjoy our time together, but sometimes my thoughts make it hard to enjoy her company.

Should I just not think with my head and just follow my heart? ... but there goes the risk of me getting hurt =(

*** sigh ***