Etch-A-Sketch

right now
i'm feeling a bit apathetic
towards the visual arts

since i can remember
i have been creating visual art
drawing spaceships at 4 years old with my dad
drawing portraits of darth vadar and superheroes during grade school
painting in high school

i majored in painting and drawing in college
i was building myself to become a professional artist

then
after graduation
i stopped
i became easily swayed by different social diversions

but after a spiritual breakdown in a movie theater parking lot
where i sobbed like a baby who's lost his mother
i aimlessly wandered back into the artworld

years later
i am once again defined
as an artist

i have shows
i sell paintings
i have publications

i am
in most people's eyes
an artist

but i am feeling it again

this apathy

i guess, after all that i learned
as i clawed back into the artworld
i have grown disenchanted

"is this all there is?" i say to myself
"why am i not emotionally moved?"

you see, part of my journey
towards becoming a practicing artist
was to immerse myself in art

i had to look at other people's art
i had to see who was most heralded
what type of art was currently being appreciated
literally and financially

truly this would be the work that would inspire me to create
right?

as this year comes to an end
i evaluate my life and myself
which includes my art
and my relationship with my art

and i find myself uninspired by the visual arts
nothing out there moves me to tears
and makes me want to create paintings
and makes me proud to be an artist

i listen to music
and music moves me to tears
i watch films
and films move me to tears

i see the visual arts
and
nothing

nothing, man

is it possible that i'm really not in-love with the visual arts?
that i have been trying to strengthen a relationship
that i'm really not spiritually bonded to anymore?

should i have been a musician?
or a film maker?

was the visual arts something that accompanied me
through my younger years
but is now something
that i no longer have feelings for?