Sunday, October 28, 2007
Here I go...
I haven't done this blogging thing in a while, and never thought I would be doing it again. So here I go...I finally feel accomplished. This weekend has sealed the deal for graduation. There was a big gray cloud over me for the past two months, and I guess you could say it was obvious. I didn't know how obvious it was until my instructor told me that I seemed like a totally different person. You get three chances to take the exam. I had already failed the first time. Before the first exam, I felt ready and was pretty confident. I thought I had prepared enough and was going to pass with flying colors. After submitting the last question, I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes to see my score. I literally barely failed. It was that bad. I was devastated. I didn't know what I was going to do and thought it was all over. I called my boyfriend, he said that he was still proud of me. He knew how hard I had worked, and even when I didn't pass, he was supportive. I called my mom and gave her the bad news too. She was also supportive. I guess I expected them to be a little disappointed because I'm supposed to be the "smart" one in the family and it should've been expected that I pass. Though, my mom didn't really know the struggles that I went through in nursing school. Whenever we talked about school, I always told her that everything was ok and that I was doing well even though there were some semesters where I wondered why I even chose nursing in the first place. And even through these struggles, I always seemed to pull through. So when I cried to my boyfriend again a week later because I continued to feel frustrated, lost, and helpless, he gave me the strength and the push I needed. "Two more months," he said. That's all I had left of school. "You can pull through it, you've done it before. Just focus." I kept this in the back of my head, and each day I focused, I kept up with school work and clinical hours, and I studied. My life was pretty much at a standstill so that I could take care of what I needed to do. My days were routine. Depending on the day of the week, I got what I needed to get done in the morning, and spent the rest of the day doing case studies and practicing questions.
A few days before the exam, I became a little anxious. My score on the first exam was so low that I didn't know how I was going to pull it off this time. My instructor (who is the best ever!) told me to improve my score even if I don't pass. But in my head I thought, I am going to improve my score so that I pass. As supportive as she is, I wanted to take it to the next level and challenge myself. I knew it would be tough. I kept telling myself, "You are going to pass." I said this over and over again until my nerves where calm.
At the exam, I took my time. As instructed by my instructor, on the top of my scratch paper, I wrote, "Do not change your answer!" and "Think like a nurse!" I didn't need to look at this everytime I answered a question, but after writing it down I kept it in the back of my head. When I got to the last question I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and was ready to look at my score. I passed! What a relief! A weight lifted off of my shoulders! Graduation! Accomplishment! My boyfriend was proud of me. He said that he knew I could do it and believed in me. My mom couldn't have been happier. She even advised me before this exam not to study so hard the second time around because she knew I studied too hard for the first one. She said that she prayed and prayed for me and my friends to pass. She knew I could do it too. My instructor was in shock just because I had such a low score for the first exam. She said that she has never seen anyone jump back in the second test, and that they'd usually have to take it a third time. She was so proud of my improvement.
This exam is literally make it or break it in nursing school. But as my boyfriend said, "They wouldn't give you 3 chances if they didn't want you to pass." We are given more than one chance. And if we can't prove ourselves the first time, then we can do it the second time, or even the third time if we have to. Take advantage of the chances you are given. You get lots of chances in life, and can improve yourself each time. But it's all up to you to do better the next time. Focus and surround yourself with people who support you. Without the support that I had, I would've crashed. I wouldn't have had the determination and drive that I needed. This was different from anything else that I had to overcome. I have crossed one BIG thing off of my to-do list. Now, I can move on and focus on the other things on my list. So here I go...
I actually signed up to receive daily affirmations through e-mail to help me get through this time, and this was one quote that helped me focus.
Set your sights high, the higher the better. Expect the most wonderful things to happen, not in the future but right now. Realize that nothing is too good. Allow absolutely nothing to hamper you or hold you up in any way.
-Eileen Caddy
mowatch at 11:50 PM