Monday, July 16, 2007
to be honest with you...
I just shot off an email to one of my long-time best friends. I wish I could kiss it and wish it luck before she opens it...I just wanted to tell her that I missed her. She could be sitting right next to me and I'll miss her. Why? Because something is missing. I could very well be off my rocker and at this moment she's reading and thinking I'm a huge-ass fool. I wrote that I don't mind being wrong, so long as I let her know that I love her and that if I didn't know who she is as an individual and as my best friend, then I'd be rather disappointed with myself.She's been acting weird sometimes. We could be hanging out with our friends and she'll have this "whatever" kind of look and attitude. Yea, those of us who know her are used to her nonchalant - oh well - what can you do - get over it persona. That's what we love about G. It's just different as of late. There are highs and there are lows...I can't tell where she's at anymore...I always feel the need to figure out how I'm gonna be around her based on her current mood. Really though, my question is - if you and your best friend/s are as in tune as you believe you are, do you feel absolute freedom to be completely honest with that BFF of yours and still have him/her love you and understand where you are coming from? I would love to be able to say a confident YES! I know I can be completely honest, because I expect that of my close friends and family. BUT, it's HARD! It's that thing where I need to tell you something, but you're gonna be pissed off at me for it. Or, I'm telling you this to be honest with you, but you'll think that I'm just attacking you. So in my email, I told her what had been weighing in on my heart and mind - Are you happy? Will you let me in? Can I be there for you? If you're cool, let me know and I'll back off...I'd rather check-in with you than not at all.
Honesty is interesting..."truth hurts". I understand there are some "truths" out there that, depending on the people involved and the situation, are beneficial and some not. Yea, I got into a huge argument with my boyfriend last year because I was super honest with him about him - ooooh, child. He hated me for that! After screaming at each other and almost getting into a car accident (yup), he said, "I'm sorry, I know I do that and I need to work on it...can you help me?" If I hadn't said anything, how would he have known? At first I thought I was crazy...I was nervous and anxious. It felt like I could be jeopardizing my relationship with this person I love if I said what I wanted to tell him. I took a breath and talked to him. WOW - if ever there was a blow-up between us, THIS takes the cookie. I had never been in that situation before...it was indescribably BAD. Even so, I'm glad I was honest with him. Because of what went down between he and I, our communication improved THAT MUCH more. Guess it had to get REALLY BAD before it got REALLY GOOD.
A few years ago, I shared something extremely personal with my best friend, K, who lives in SoCal. My decision regarding the situation broke her heart...I knew she would be disappointed, but I told her anyway. She did what I believed in my heart she would do...she told me she loved me no matter what. A few days later, she emailed me a long piece telling me what was in her heart...her honest opinons and feelings. Really, I had no idea it would hurt like hell to read that. I felt I had let her down, but I had so much faith in our friendship that whatever was to happen between us thereafter, we were in God's hands. I did what I could - I let go and let God. Thing is, we both knew that from this painful hurdle in my life and in our friendship, we discovered how intricately our lives were intertwined. The fact that we could be so vulnerable and truthful with one another brought me to my knees. She loved me despite my broken-ness. I loved her knowing that she'd be disappointed and sad...yet, she didn't judge me, shun me, abandon me, leave me. She forgave me because I still hadn't forgiven myself. Now that's my BFF...
When I talk to God during the day, I try to remember all the people in my life I am thankful for...those that I am blest to have met and crossed paths with...basically everyone who's been in and out of my life. A great friend of mine from college taught me so much just by being around him. I valued his presence in my life as a fellow student and friend. He became our "big brother" at school. I had the utmost respect for him because of his appreciation for learning from others, especially those who were ignorant and mindless. Our last year of school, he became the first black student president of the student body. He was the one who taught me that I need to "check" myself before I can check anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I don't look to "fix" people...of course not, who am I to say anything. But, I want to learn more from others and help those I care about. What my friend taught me to do is to be self-aware and to help others do the same. What irritates me most about some people is what irritates me about myself - I don't like being a hypocrite. How can I tell someone to be more like this or more like that if I don't work on my own shortcomings? I defintely am not perfect (hell-nah). But, I am attempting to work with my imperfections and help pass along what I've learned from great people in my life.
Just another entry of ramblings from the "chun"...
tiyan at 4:34 PM
1 Comments
- at 8:50 PM Voodoo Child said...
lovely lovely post. thanks for sharing :-)