Monday, April 16, 2007
entries
Sometimes I flip through some of my journals and read past entries about where my mind was, what my life was like during those times...it's funny, because I get so caught up in the words and the emotions emitting from the page. There were a few entries I made during 2004 and 2005 that I love going back to now and then. They blow my mind because they were about a love I thought could never be again...because then it would just be too good to be true. During those years, entry after entry, I attempted to put down in words what I was feeling at those moments. I wrote about this one guy who took my breath away by just being himself. In one entry, I wrote a list of words that described him...there wasn't enough room on the page. In another entry, I wrote that if I were ever to look back on this, I would think that I was hella stupid for thinking, feeling, even writing all of this. One entry talked about laying with him and seeing his hand intertwined with mine...even though I knew it wouldn't last forever, I was grateful for that moment. He adored and treasured his family...they were #1 in his life...I wrote how I loved and respected that. He had a great love for meeting people and brightening up their days with a simple "hello, how are you", even if he didn't know them. I wrote how I loved his ambition for life and his passion for just wanting to do well so that he could give back to people. I wrote that everytime I looked into his eyes I saw who I really was...it was scary because I knew then what I had known all along. In another entry, I wrote how I could just spend forever looking at him and thanking God for this person; for everything he has taught me. Even if things didn't work out...I would still want for his happiness, that he achieves his dreams and reaches his goals; simply because he deserved to. Yup, I was sprung off of this guy...but he inspired me to be a better person. My respect for him grew with every moment I spent with him. He was such a great example of being a "man for others"...how could I not fall for that? Not to mention that my attraction to him was so incredibly strong...his face, his touch, his sincerity, his genuinity. I also wrote of how valuable his friendship was to me. He lifted me up when I was down and carried me when I couldn't walk it alone. He was the first person I wanted to share with at the end of the day and the first person I thought of the next morning. From reading those memories, I remember laughing for what seemed like forever...he did anything and everything to make me smile. At the end of a journal entry I wrote, "Thank you, Lord, for this person in my life". Because we had a past, all of these entries felt like a dream. I would think to myself...this dream isn't gonna last long...just be grateful for this time...I was living in those moments, yet preparing myself for the worst.People may think that I was sprung, that I was a typical girl who over-analyzed everything that happened...well frankly, I don't give a fuck. I was aware of what I was experiencing with this person...human emotion...appreciating every single part of this person...falling in love. For me, it was realizing each moment spent and basking in its wonder...God had given me a miracle. The miracle of bringing this person from long time ago, back into my life. From pre-teen to adult...I still look at him and think...you're my miracle...the one who gave me goosebumps...the one who kissed my tears away...the one who brought the very best out of me...
So this guy, that I wrote about in my journals...not only is he my boyfriend, he is my best friend and I want to thank him for being who he is. It's interesting for me to think about, but last week I told him that as difficult as it may be, I can live without him......I just don't want to.
Thank you, Lord, for this person in my life.
tiyan at 9:17 PM
2 Comments
- at 12:12 PM Voodoo Child said...
*giggling* wah! how cute are you!
- at 10:58 AM cary said...
I read this at work and it made me cry. Seriously. I cried at work. I made an excuse that the engineers didnt replace the AC filters and the dust came into my cubicle. By the way - you're next.