Monday, April 09, 2007
allergies...and then some
Ah, Spring...the grass is greener, flowers are blooming, birds are singing, the sun is warm...it's rebirth and transformation. Yes! It's Spring...my nose is ready to get rubbed off, my eyes are itchy and baggy, there's wonderful pollen to inhale, teenagers are rampant and hormonal...it's the best, freakin' season of the year (yay...woo-hoo...). I knew this season was coming with students prepping for sacraments, retreats, and all of the other regular spring events at the church. I mean, I definitely knew this was coming, it does every year! Long hours at work, working on the weekends...I shouldn't be surprised. I had fun events planned for the teens, I facilitated sacrament retreats, I had lock-in planning meetings every week....anyway - kids everywhere! Don't get me wrong, I love kids, I love my teens, I love my job. And! - I know that I am not the only one who is tired, burnt out and busy. Is it pointless to ask people, "Have you ever felt so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted...that you felt like you've been in FAST FORWARD and REPEAT for a period of time...that you break down because you have no energy left to care or be your normal self...you feel like a robot or a walking zombie...take everything out on those closest to you...or feel like a failure..." because they know exactly what that question means already? We had our spring lock-in the last weekend of March. This was the most prepared we had ever been and I was so grateful to and proud of those who helped put this big weekend together. But, why was that weekend so different from all the other times? I seriously walked away from that lock-in feeling that I failed...I was miserable, disappointed, and upset. What happened...well, it started off great - losta fun. I never use the word mandatory because it scares teens and parents away. Anyway, I made it clear to everyone prior to the lock-in: "PLEASE commit to staying the entire weekend. This helps our participants as well as our facilitators. Thank you!" Well, it worked for the most part, but I did have a handful out of 38 who came at different times of the day. Once "free time" came in the afternoon, things started to change. My youth leaders started to get frustrated because no one was listening to them, not unless it was me; some girls were acting sassy and had major attitudes with me (oh, HELL no); a group of guys, whose reasons for being there were not the right reasons, didn't listen, participate, etc. (oh-my-dream-come-true). One of my teens has some major anger issues (background: he had to leave the last lock-in) and he wanted to last throughout the weekend this time...but he couldn't; he followed me around and I tried, I really did, to help him figure things out even though I didn't have the time. My facilitators were frustrated and emotional with everyone and I knew they were doing their best. I decided not to sleep because, even though there's curfew, some teens couldn't sleep and were breaking rules left and right - what's so f*ing hard about girls in one room and guys in the other...if you're a girl you shouldn't be telling me that you "just wanna talk with my friends" in the same room where the guys are SLEEPING at 5:00 in the freakin' morning! Get over yourself! I love you, girl, but it's not fair if you get to be the only girl who gets to talk to the guys in a room where they are supposed to be sleeping...I was so done at 5:30 AM - I walked out of the building. It was cold and dark, but I was alone...I let it out REAL GOOD. I told God I was sorry for not doing my best that weekend, for sucking at my work, that I couldn't do this...I called my best friend in socal and sobbed for a good half hour telling her I don't like teenagers and I didn't want to do this anymore and that I failed everyone on this retreat and that there's someone who's way better at this and that I was weak and I had nothing left to give, but I WILL finish the rest of the weekend ...really, it was pathetic. I had been burnt out from the whole month and I didn't want to do anything anymore...I know - you're probably reading this and thinking that I'm a dumbass...I know that already. And, yup! I am not even a parent yet, so why should I be complaining - this is what also makes me feel bad. After that, I collected myself, got ready for the day and finished the rest of the lock-in through until we cleaned up and I got in my car and went home. During the short drive home, I had this overwhelming feeling all over my body. I parked on the driveway, got in my boyfriend's car to go to lunch and once I closed the door and clicked the seat belt, I fell completely apart. It wasn't the quiet crying, it was the wailing type...it felt good to let go. And even though he had no idea what the weekend was like, even though I looked tore up with raccoon eyes and that I hadn't showered since the day before...he hugged me and said, "I am so proud of you and everything you do..." After the whole weekend, I finally exhaled.I am over it now...now, I look back and laugh at myself. That was the lock-in/retreat from hell, but I'm so thankful I went through it. That was just one month. As for the rest of the season, imma just suck it up. If life wasn't so hard, how else would I learn and become a better person for others..
tiyan at 12:20 PM
2 Comments
- at 4:19 PM Voodoo Child said...
Wah! I need to give you a hug!
I"ll be there in a few days ;-) We'll catch up.- at 2:27 PM tiyan said...
hehe...thanks, that really means a lot to me :) see you soon!