Date Processed

I promise this is the last time I will talk about Alex and the date. I've been thinking about it, and wondering what is up with me. While on the one hand I like the idea of meeting people and considering possibilities etc, I have been getting the heebie jeebies after a while and feel really scared about going beyond a casual friendship. Am almost wondering if I have caught the cold sweats otherwise known as commitment phobia. It isn't though that I'm afraid to be with someone for a long time. It is however, this immense fear of being hurt and rejected.
Did I ever mention I've been proposed to three times before I hit 25? I said no to all those proposals of course. I just couldn't imagine being married that young. The last 3 years I've dated about 4 other guys, had one serious relationship with one, felt very rejected by 2 of them, another two just fell off the radar... just cos neither of us wanted to pursue it. And in the last three years, what I've missed most is the comfort and security of the knowledge that someone out there loves me and loves me enough to spend awkward silences with, fight about the inane things with, grapple with the issues of "growing up" with, do the mundane day to day with. But at the same time, I'd much rather be alone than enter into a risky relationship. I've rolled the dice and I've gambled and it's just so much easier to sit alone in my kitchen and sip coffee to Lucinda Williams.