Relief x 2

So I did it. Drastic change number one. I cut my hair. It's short now. A little below the ears. It's a cute bob. I can't decide if I like it or not but I like the change that's for sure. I've been told I look like a little girl, and that I look more professional... opposite views.

And for the second time this year, I had that clear rational thought when I woke up this morning. The first time was in deciding to leave and not go back to my ex. It was a morning in february and it was just so so clear already that we were fighting so bitterly that it just seem clearly irrational to continue with it. I chose to let it go. Today, I woke up and decided I didn't want to be angry anymore. It's too hard. It hurt. And I still have that fantasy when eddie sees me next, he's going to regret it... you know that sorta fantasy.

There's this great line in a song by Vienna Teng, and it says "wrap life in the brilliance of death to humble us all". I've been thinking of Tim. And how he passed away. I don't want to die angry like that- not over this. If I died tomorrow, this isn't where I want to be. So it seemed the only rational decision was to let it all go. I even contemplated writing a letter to eddie to bridge a friendship. I don't know about that yet. I don't see a reason to work so hard at cutting him off. It just seems easier to explain why I was upset and then to just let it all go.

I still have some hesitation about the letter writing bit. I'll give it a shot. But the decision to let it all go was a relief, as it was in february.