blogger my sorrows away

ahh.. nothing like blogging to vent one's frustrations away and to reflect on the meaning of life at that.

The first thing I did yesterday was to stick the damn birthday gift for e up and send it away. not off but away and away from me. I decided to give it to him because there wasn't anything i could do with it and i didn't want any reminder of it. it was a book entitled spaghetti eddie. I used call him that as a pet name. And I had written in it so I couldn't send it back to amazon. Anyway, put the damn thing in a work envelope with the official work letterhead and all and sent it. Refuse to use anything personal.

He sent me an email today saying he got the book. I trashed the email. Refuse to reply to it. Says he's off to work as usual in Milpitas. Blah work. After what he said on saturday about using work to distance our relationship and after all the god damn compromises I made so we could work around his schedule, I just don't believe it anymore. I hate deceit and I hate people not being up front. And I hate the fact that he was so obsessed on his quest for marriage that all he looked at me was whether or not i could fit the marriage mould in his mind.

He's back on match dot com. Went into match today to request that they NOT send me anymore emails and out of sheer stupidity went to look and see if e was on it. Of course he was. I don't know if I'm being immature in all of this ranting and raving because I'm so mad at him. I understand the need to be coupled and I understand the depth of loneliness and the sense that you are lacking your other half when one is single. I get all that. But I don't get this mission to be married. I really really don't. I want to be married, but I could never see myself on that mission.

And to treat the feelings of others so lightly when on that mission. It was Wednesday when we had our last date which betrayed nothing. And which is probably making me feel this mad about the whole situation. Picked him up at the dentist, had dinner, dessert, rented a movie, went home, had sex, watched the movie, went to bed. He had 6 hours from the time I picked him up til the time we went to bed to discuss all that with me. But no, he didn't. And what about the sex? Gee I wonder what he was thinking. Just one last fuck. How about that! God I feel cheap. Just where did I fit into this relationship? Apparently nowhere.

Of course the right conclusion now is that I'm better off without him. I know I am. But I still feel like crap. Because I was treated like crap. He makes my blood boil and my stomach curdle. The worst thing is that I didn't realize how much I made my schedule/ life revolve around him and his supposed work schedule that now I'm at a complete loss. I'd plan for a tuesday or wednesday night at his place and then friday or saturday and like made sure I did everything so that I could afford to spend tall that time there. And then I spent like the time in between looking forward to the date. And that I did all this so that we could possibly make this relationship work. I sank some big ass commitment to making it work and it feels like a pie thrown back into my face. Fuck that.