Dearest Tim,
I just found out this morning dear friend. I just found out. Will you forgive me? For not knowing? Terry called this morning and told me. I just couldn’t believe it.

I was so angry at you, walking to work. And then I was angry at myself for not being a better friend, for being angry at you. I couldn’t fathom why, or how you could. You had so many plans for yourself. I was going to join you for the GMAT. Did I tell you that I might apply to Rand for 2005? We could have studied together. I was sick to my stomach. I was mad at you because my first thoughts were that you went off your meds or you deliberately went to Shanghai to do this.

I was in a frantic state before I called Debbie. She told me the news. She told me how you tried to contact your doctor three days before it happened. How you could not sleep in the midst of all this craziness. How you tried to contact your prof at Qinghua and he didn’t quite understand, or how the Chinese hospital simply sent you home with a glass of water when you tried to tell them about your manic state. I know you tried sweetie, and will you forgive me for not being there at all? For being too tired to send you off at the airport?

You nursed me the last time I saw you. When I threw up all over Haight Street remember? And you took me home and put me to bed. Thank you. I should have been taking care of you, not the other way around. Everyone asked that night, if we had something going, if we were a couple, because I held on to you so tightly, and you wouldn’t leave my side while I was trash talking and in my drunken stupor.

I remember that whole conversation we had in that Chinese restaurant near my house- when you asked if I’d ever thought about kissing you, about us becoming a couple. I couldn’t risk it, I told you. And I don’t know if you understood it then. I couldn’t risk us not being as close as we are. Sex warps everything- especially friendships. I wanted to say, I couldn’t risk us being angry at each other, risk our beautiful friendship, risk our loving relationship.

I forgot to tell you I love you. We were wonderful together- we understood each other. We comprehended each other’s pain, each other’s joy. I could tell you everything I couldn’t tell others. I always had so much to tell you and you always listened. You were always there.

My heart aches. I wish I’d been there. I wish I could reverse it all. I wish all this didn’t happen. I wish I didn’t forget to tell you that I love you, and how much of an honor it’s been to have been your friend, to be considered good enough for your love.

Love and kisses,
Teresa