The Big Aiyah

::I wasn’t always like this
not in the beginning. I used to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally; oblivious to my (current) girlfriend’s faults (flaw? What flaw?). Grateful to God, fate, circumstance, and to her for being in my life and allowing me to show her my affection and gratitude. Days were filled with excitement and adventure as we dared our own tolerances for danger and thrill. Moments lasted as we indulged in each other’s aspirations, hopes, trepidation, needs, and pleasure with what we have in front of us.
I used to think of being in a relationship as an idyllic sanctuary of deep understanding, dreams, and dare I say it; love. Our refuge from the realities and cruelties of the world was the comfort and security from each other’s voice, embrace, soft steady gaze, and unconscious belief that we’ll never be alone.
It used to be so easy to articulate and describe the wonder that was her and the bliss that was us.
In short I was in love, and believed in love.
After being cheated on and dismissed by my first two loves; love became commercial and superficial. Commercial in that greed presided; to make sure I got what I wanted before I can remotely get hurt. Superficial in that the guise of a potential romance, let alone a relationship was only a gambit to fight a nasty spell of loneliness.
I’d like to think and do believe that I was never malicious in any tryst and/or romance that I engaged into. I know I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend. But, I know I’ve never been able to commit wholeheartedly to anyone since.
By putting it in black and white, I’m asking myself, “what are you looking forward to when you begin to get involved in a relationship with someone?”

….to be continued

posted by evil rat @ 6:22 PM