This Little Game We Play...
I'm not a player and I refused to believe that dating is a game. My friends keep telling me that dating is indeed a game and that I might as well accept this fact even though I did not like playing games. I argued that dating CAN be a game but insisted that it doesn't always have to be. I said that if I decided to not play games, if I was upfront and honest -- the girl I'm dating will appreciate it, reciprocate my refreshing approach, and in turn, will not play games with me. Boy was I wrong.
Dating IS a game and its the only game that has rules with an infinite amount of exceptions for every rule (No kissing on the first date except in situation 1, 2 ,3...and so forth). Was I the only one who didn't know that you CANNOT simply say "I'm not playing this game" and expect the established order of dating to just go away? Apparently so, but up until a few months ago, I thought that my "no games" approach would work. I'm unhappy to report that after careful analysis, I conclude that its impossible to NOT play the game. In fact, even though I thought that I was not playing a game, my "not playing a game" is just another approach to the game and it was still part of the dating game. I am very much an active player no matter what I choose to believe. The story below is how I came to my conclusion.
A couple of months ago, I brought my "no playing games" approach to this girl that I met through a mutual friend. My idea of the not playing games was to be upfront and honest about my interest in getting to know her. I called regularly just to say hello, I initiated activities during dates and I made sure that I was myself and not try to impress her by portraying a character. I made an effort to get to know her and tried my best to make her feel comfortable.
My goal was to find a deeper connection than the surface attraction and I even made sure she got the feeling of "pursuit" that women want, I drove the courtship. The conversation flowed well and we had a great time when we went out. I felt we were clicking.
My "no playing games" method was working so well, I thought! Well, in the immortal words of THE WOLF from Pulp Fiction "Let's not start giving each other bj's just yet." It seems she really didn't give a shit about my method at all. Three weeks and three dates later, I began to notice something that started to bother me a little bit. I noticed that she didn't call me unless I called her. She didn't email me unless I emailed her, she didn't IM me unless I IM'd her first... I thought, maybe she's busy, maybe she doesn't want to seem forward by calling but the thought kept gnawing in my head that this isn't normal. My fertile ego would not allow me to believe that I was getting kicked to the curb, that is, I didn't see anything I did wrong to mitigate rejection. No B.O., no bad breath, no insensitive comments about her appearance. So I figured she must still be interested but by all observable accounts, her behavior did not indicate this.
It was slowly becoming clearer to me that even though I wasn't playing games with her, she was playing games with ME and I just had to deal with it. She was playing a textbook classic called "Hard to Get" (btw, don't you still love HI-FIVE? Man they were so good!). This is the one where she acts as if the man she is interested in is just one of many guys trying to date her and that she lives an exciting, fullfilling, busy life which supposedly makes her more attractive. I'm quite sure that what's closer to reality is that she reads celebrity magazines after work and spends her nights watching sitcoms.
She acts like this because she wants to be a challenge and I don't fault her for it...she wants me to work harder to get her so I will value her more. It makes sense and its all well and good -- but hopefully she is prepared for rejection by a good guy if the guy (in this example:ME and a good guy? Of course I am!) decides she isn't worth the trouble (I'm still trying to decide...) and moves on. Try as I might to be upfront, honest and use all that non-player stuff, it did not make dating any less of a game, especially to her. I fully accept it now and I know that this can be a fun game if things go my way. In any case, I know that its not working right now but I'm still gonna stick to my non-game plan, I think it deserves another chance even though it's quite unlikely that it will succeed. I've always rooted for the underdog anyway, as all hopeless romantics are prone to do.
I'm not a player and I refused to believe that dating is a game. My friends keep telling me that dating is indeed a game and that I might as well accept this fact even though I did not like playing games. I argued that dating CAN be a game but insisted that it doesn't always have to be. I said that if I decided to not play games, if I was upfront and honest -- the girl I'm dating will appreciate it, reciprocate my refreshing approach, and in turn, will not play games with me. Boy was I wrong.
Dating IS a game and its the only game that has rules with an infinite amount of exceptions for every rule (No kissing on the first date except in situation 1, 2 ,3...and so forth). Was I the only one who didn't know that you CANNOT simply say "I'm not playing this game" and expect the established order of dating to just go away? Apparently so, but up until a few months ago, I thought that my "no games" approach would work. I'm unhappy to report that after careful analysis, I conclude that its impossible to NOT play the game. In fact, even though I thought that I was not playing a game, my "not playing a game" is just another approach to the game and it was still part of the dating game. I am very much an active player no matter what I choose to believe. The story below is how I came to my conclusion.
A couple of months ago, I brought my "no playing games" approach to this girl that I met through a mutual friend. My idea of the not playing games was to be upfront and honest about my interest in getting to know her. I called regularly just to say hello, I initiated activities during dates and I made sure that I was myself and not try to impress her by portraying a character. I made an effort to get to know her and tried my best to make her feel comfortable.
My goal was to find a deeper connection than the surface attraction and I even made sure she got the feeling of "pursuit" that women want, I drove the courtship. The conversation flowed well and we had a great time when we went out. I felt we were clicking.
My "no playing games" method was working so well, I thought! Well, in the immortal words of THE WOLF from Pulp Fiction "Let's not start giving each other bj's just yet." It seems she really didn't give a shit about my method at all. Three weeks and three dates later, I began to notice something that started to bother me a little bit. I noticed that she didn't call me unless I called her. She didn't email me unless I emailed her, she didn't IM me unless I IM'd her first... I thought, maybe she's busy, maybe she doesn't want to seem forward by calling but the thought kept gnawing in my head that this isn't normal. My fertile ego would not allow me to believe that I was getting kicked to the curb, that is, I didn't see anything I did wrong to mitigate rejection. No B.O., no bad breath, no insensitive comments about her appearance. So I figured she must still be interested but by all observable accounts, her behavior did not indicate this.
It was slowly becoming clearer to me that even though I wasn't playing games with her, she was playing games with ME and I just had to deal with it. She was playing a textbook classic called "Hard to Get" (btw, don't you still love HI-FIVE? Man they were so good!). This is the one where she acts as if the man she is interested in is just one of many guys trying to date her and that she lives an exciting, fullfilling, busy life which supposedly makes her more attractive. I'm quite sure that what's closer to reality is that she reads celebrity magazines after work and spends her nights watching sitcoms.
She acts like this because she wants to be a challenge and I don't fault her for it...she wants me to work harder to get her so I will value her more. It makes sense and its all well and good -- but hopefully she is prepared for rejection by a good guy if the guy (in this example:ME and a good guy? Of course I am!) decides she isn't worth the trouble (I'm still trying to decide...) and moves on. Try as I might to be upfront, honest and use all that non-player stuff, it did not make dating any less of a game, especially to her. I fully accept it now and I know that this can be a fun game if things go my way. In any case, I know that its not working right now but I'm still gonna stick to my non-game plan, I think it deserves another chance even though it's quite unlikely that it will succeed. I've always rooted for the underdog anyway, as all hopeless romantics are prone to do.
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