The Big Aiyah

I wrote this two days ago...

Manila, Philippines: circa 1983. He often stumbled home at ungodly hours from the nightclub
smelling of alcohol and what my mother claimed were other women's perfume. Marraige nor fatherhood hadn't changed my father's lifestyle, he loved to be out night after night with his friends. He was probably more at home inside the smoky V.I.P. section of a nightclub than our own living room. Truth be told, there were times when I thought my mother had given up on him, but bless her heart, she did not. Poppa was a rolling stone and I don’t think he ever really changed. I believe he was a great father but I don't think he was the greatest husband. He had a loving wife and two children who adored him but it wasn’t enough. He was a man who had a void in him that could only be filled by the company of friends who shared his vices. It seems that he was incapable of attaining peace, his wanderlust that should have burned out as a young man had not subsided. He was there but he wasn’t there… he was charming and endearing yet he was detached. No doubt, he had made choices that contributed to his restlessness. When I became of age, I almost felt sorry for the man if I wasn’t so busy idolizing him.

I’m currently neck deep in that same wanderlust that my father experienced and I’m becoming very conscious of the fact that I’m more like him than what appears in the mirror. As of right now, I feel lost and even though I’m in the company of those whom I share affection, I sometimes feel detached and in search of something deeper to anchor me. Most times I simply float away. Somewhere along the line, I might be married with kids and in love but the possibility remains that I might walk inside the same maze from which my father had never escaped. It’s a daunting possibility that I might never escape either, but I can only find out one day at a time. Also, wherever he is, I like to think that he knows exactly what I’m going through and he would love nothing more than to see his boy succeed where he had not. He would have been 61 today.

posted by Boy Wonder @ 11:40 PM