In living without him thus far, I've discovered something about myself.

I am less independent than I think I am. In no moment, have I not wished to be unsingle. Double negative... go figure. Actually triple negative. Perhaps this is part of adult development, part of being 26, part of living without family close by. Or a simple manifestation of my yearning and longing to be close to him.

My friend K says that I need someone always there for me, but will not tie me down necessarily, or get tied down by me. Having been an observer of all the Mooncake drama for the last 14 years, she's no doubt reached expert status and is 75% right. The 25% error comes from our difference in opinion of who fits this bill.

My point here is that I need him more than I thought I did. My dependence on him for emotional support, love, care, entertainment, conversation, baseball and soccer commentary, his physical presence etc etc was greatly underestimated. I think it was a conscious effort to underestimate that dependence so I could feel as if I didn't need him. Didn't need to love him.

Perhaps this my blessing, perhaps this my curse.

I wish he could be here for the pie I just baked.