When was the last time I was happy?
I was reading an article in Sports Illustrated that posed the question "When was the last time you were happy?" to some of sport's most famous athletes. When I was finished reading, I sat back and thought about the last time I was happy.
And I sat for quite a while.
It wasn't my graduation. It wasn't my birthday. It wasn't when I finished my paintings. It wasn't when I slept in last. It wasn't when I was out with a boy at the beach. It wasn't when he used to call me on his way to work because he was thinking of me. It wasn't when I was with my entire family having dinner. I was hard pressed to find something that felt happy. It wasn't New Year, Christmas, Valentine's Day, or any of those holidays.
Had I been deluding myself and looking for happiness where I knew it wasn't going to be? Maybe I had bigger expectations of what happy, pure and simple, was to look like and be. I felt sad, and honestly that's been sitting in the pit of my stomach all day. Am I missing something entirely? Am I thinking too much into it? Am I in the wrong life at the wrong time? Yah, that's pretty damn deep.
At any rate, maybe I'll get over it for I don't believe that this is a real problem. Real in a sense that this is a bad space for me to be in. Real as in I'm not making this up. At all. We'll see. I'll keep you posted.
Voodoo
[update: I was happy when I heard the screaming bird outside my window for the first time since last year. I was even happier when I whistled at it, and it whistled back to me in the exact same tone. Yah, that's pretty sad too. So now I'm back to where I started. Great.]
Tuesday, March 05, 2002
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. ~Fred Allen
Voodoo is del.icio.us
If I haven't already said it, thanks for stopping by.
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