I walked into my office today and said Good Morning to my student assistant. His eyes were a little tired and he mumbled a What's Up. I went to my office and opened the door, put my things down and turned on my computer. Last night I remember telling myself to not worry about checking my email, but for some reason I had to. I don't know. At any rate, I sat up in my chair to wait for the news. I also hit my vmail button and went to check my messages. There were a flurry of messages. Wow. Email too. Wow.
64 Oz. comes into my office, and squats to the floor. I look at him puzzled, and he said to me, "I don't know about this email, but I don't think anyone would joke about it." He asked if I would look at it. It was 10:30, I just got in, what did I miss? He showed me an email that said one of my students passed away. Monday. They were trying to get a hold of me via phone yesterday, those were the messages. The emails, I just glanced at them. She passed away when?
I read and reread the email to make sure it was real. I felt like a part of me got slammed. Deep sighs all day. I just saw her two weeks ago at a meeting. I sat in my chair, shocked and replayed all the events in my head. I watched scenes from when she absolutely bugged me until when she made me crack up. And I watched the scene where I had to let her go from her job here at the office because she wasn't doing well in school, and I felt she needed to work on her academics rather than mess around here all day. Then I felt some numbness come over me, and it was the coldest feeling in the world.
She was only 21.
What's sad is that I've seen death so many times, the loss of someone doesn't quite seem to phase me the way it used to. What's happy is that my philosophical beliefs have led me to the place where I feel that death is only a beginning, a cycle we all go through, or someone just loved her enough that it was time for her to return. But my emotions aren't telling me anything of that right now. I'm sad. My students who have worked with her in the past are sad as well. They are away on break now, and it's as if I'm happy they're not here to deal with her loss. It would be too much. But that's just me being selfish. I want to be alone in my grieving. As a counselor, who counsels us through our grief? I have very little support, but the support I do have is great, but there are times when I'm busy ministering to everyone else that no one stops to ask me how I'm doing, and I know I'm falling apart.
I originally wanted to write something about loss and change for a friend, but I realize now that loss and change apply just as much to my situation. Here goes. There are cycles of grief, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, that people go through after a death. Not that we all MUST go through it, but we all experience grief in similar ways:
denial of death people are unable to admit to themselves that the someone might die and/or they will suffer the loss death represents;
anger by which the pain of loss is projected onto others;
bargaining which represents a last effort at overcoming death by "earning" longer life;
depression when the full impact of imminent death strikes them; and
acceptance when the grieving come to grips with the fact of the person's death and makes preparation for it.
At the early onset of someone's death, the stages start at denial and go through acceptance. You'll notice that not everyone accepts right away, not everyone moves through in a timely manner. Sometimes these things happen over time, be it a month or years. It's the same thing with relationships. After breaking up, people are usually in some form of denial, then move through the stages. Now, I'm not going to lay each stage down for you, you're all smart Voodoo Babies. I trust you'll be able to figure it out for yourself.
But what I will do is say this: the point is that people MOVE when they are ready to move. They assume the next stage when completion of another one ends. They progress if and only if they choose so, and again, this is highly dependent on the person, the ability to internalize and maximize change, and the amount of support that one receives from his/her community and family. Makes sense, doesn't it? Not always, and that's okay. It's hard to negotiate death and dying as well as breaking up, not that I can equate the two, because I know better. However, change as a important component of understanding and naming the experience that death and breaking up brings to us is crucial.
When my students come back, I will no doubt have to be conscious of the pain that will come from their loss yet be able to manage my own. It's not going to be easy for many of them were very close to her.Yet with all things, this too shall pass. Relationships are the same way, loss shall heal with time. It isn't always easy to let go, I know that for a fact, but sometimes the act of letting go is the most freeing thing that you can do, both for your significant other and for yourself.
She was young, always happy, sometimes so goofy it was hard to tell if she was playin'. She did a lot of the things that we did when we were her age: relationship drama, party, hang out late, stress over homework, show up for work late, have fun, make other people laugh, and give us every reason to miss her now that she's gone. And I for one will miss her, as will countless others on my campus, in my office, and in her community.
Voodoo
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