Sunday, June 03, 2001

Fightin' the Funk

Early this morning, I woke up and put some clothes on to work on the lawn. It's turning brown, due to the lack of time that both me and Mista J been able to put into it. Shit, neither one of us ever had lawns when we were growing up, the fact that it's still in the front of the house and somewhat green is a testament to the fact that we can kinda keep it alive. At any rate, I fertilized it a little and then watered the mug. I went back into the Mansion, and then proceeded to go through my studio, my room and other spots and purge my life of the things that I haven't been using or have outgrown over the last few months.

It's amazing how much you amass in your life as you move on, you buy things that you forget about, and then you lose things that you find you can live without anyway. It's a little sad, to be quite honest, this moving on and letting go of things that have been cluttering up my life. I'm a well known Pat Rack, as Buff Bagwell would call me, but that's life, and I have to unpack my shit before I weigh down this house with too much kalat. I'm about done, but I dont' want to touch my treasure trove of articles for my dissertation. I'll have to wait until I'm mentally ready to do that.

I spent yesterday with Palma Sutra, classmate of mine in USF. She and I, along with other colleagues went to speak to a class of incoming doctoral students. We told them the ins and outs, they asked us questions, and then we told them how it really is...to an extent. The rest I figure they can learn as they go. We were introduced as Dr. Voodoo, etc. It was fun. We giggled as if it really didn't hit us yet, and for some of us, it really hasn't.

All of that is well and such, but there is a part of me that hasn't been quite right. It's almost as if I've reached some major point of depression. I know this is getting rather personal, when for the most part I'm quite content to talk about deordorant as your friend, or how to be a good topless sunbather (wear sunblock on your Twins, my friend). But the honest truth is, Voodoo Babies, that I'm just as human as the next person, but I'll find a way to get over that...somehow. At any rate, life has kind of slowed down, and I'd much rather stay in bed than leave and face the world. What is that about, you might ask? A lot of things, namely the big one is finishing with my doctorate and not knowing just what to make of life...

What? You're saying with a look of shock on your face! You're done, there's time to do things now!

True, but along with the completion of that grand act came the large void that it filled. The truth is, it's a little hard to sit with that. The one thing that I've literally been working on since I knew it was possible, as a child, is now a done deal, and there is no long term goal I have facing me. I know that this opens up the world, but at the same time, it also leaves me looking at a great big canyon of whoa, I can do this and this and this and that...It's intimidating at best, and should be a point at which I can see the world opening up for me, but at this point, it's a little terrifying and best met with a little bit of hesitation.

Palma Sutra and I were talking about this, as she was feeling the same way too. It's not easy to go through it alone, but hearing her talk about it also helped a lot. It's almost like shared misery. I feel tons better, but I am ever cognizant of the challenge that life now brings me. At this moment, what I have chosen to do is accept the way I feel as being true to my humanity, as it is at a crossroads where I stand. But in accepting it, I also let go of it and understand that's what being human is about: accepting the truth of the moment, being fully present in that moment, and then moving past it. That explains the cleaning up of my life, literally and figuratively. It also means taking the opportunity to see the great things that I've done with my life and prepare myself to move onto more things.

What those things are, I don't know. And that's okay.

Vudu

posted by Voodoo Child @ 11:04:00 AM